Well hey there, folks. Roger �R.A.� West here You know, I typically think these �voices of the neighborhood� thing are pretty pointless, full of nothing but whiny help-me-outs and nattering nabobs of never-satisfied-ism. That changes today. There�s an issue threatening the very heart of this town, this neighborhood, this community of fellow Pine Oaks-ians of ours. I speak, of course, of the insidious local zoning ordinance 118 � 42.3(b)(3).
What is local zoning ordinance 118 � 42.3(b)(3)? Perhaps mankind�s greatest enemy after al Qaeda, civilian militias and the Vietcong. Suppose you�re a local small business owner such as myself. Next, let�s suppose you own a local barbecue eating establishment, again such as myself. Finally, let�s suppose you are interested in constructing a picnic bench-type seating arrangement known as a �picnic bench� for placement on the external side of that establishment, so that patrons may enjoy their barbecue-and-side-item eating in the out-of-doors. Well, thanks to local zoning ordinance 118 � 42.3(b)(3), that proposal remains just a sweet, sweet dream.
You see, local zoning ordinance 118 � 42.3(b)(3) precludes any land-based table or container from blocking local sidewalks, and I quote, �unless said table or container is for the purpose of aiding those with disabilities and/or the prevention of loitering, and/or does not exceed two feet by two feet by one foot in surface area.� Now you and I both know that this is an injustice of the highest order. I find it impossible to believe that the local eggheads and bur-no-crats have never known the joys of eating barbecue outside. In fact, I�d go so far as to say that barbecue is best, and hopefully only enjoyed outside (unless you�re enjoying it inside of Roger �R.A.� West�s R.A.W. Barbecue Establishment. Eat it R.A.W.)
I have suffered in silence for too long. The tyranny of local zoning ordinance 118 � 42.3(b)(3) must end, and end today. It is my intention to add not one, but two �picnic benches,� as they are somewhat informally known, to the sidewalk in front of the Roger �R.A.� West�s R.A.W. Barbecue Establishment, but I need your help to do it. Please sign a petition to Barbara Del Roca and the rest of the Pine Oaks Neighborhood Board asking them to repeal, or at the very least alter, local zoning ordinance 118 � 42.3(b)(3).
Unfortunately, I have not yet created such a petition, so I�ll leave it up to individual residents to create their own. And besides, 18 or more petitions have more power than one petition signed by 18 or more people? Am I right?
Roger �R.A.� West
Owner and proprietor, Roger �R.A.� West�s R.A.W. Barbecue Establishment
Julia Schaun, Pine Oaks Book Club Co-Chair
Greetings, Pine Oaks readers! Or perhaps I should say, G-read-ings Pine Oaks reeters.
On second thought, the first way is probably fine.
It�s time again for the Pine Oaks Book Club discussion! Hopefully this month�s discussion will be better than last month�s book, The Mysterious Colonnade. Someone, I won�t say who (Benjamin), told me it was a �taut, politico-historical thrill-ride of a page-turner� (although he may not have used the word �taut�), and instead what we read was a kind of cheap Hardy Boys knockoff aimed at late elementary school/early middle school/extremely slow high school students. This is, quite frankly, unacceptable. If I want to read about ghost mummies or buried pirate treasure coves, I just won�t, because who on earth over the age of 10 wants to read about that nonsense?
However, I do have some exciting news about next month�s discussion. Our book for March is the historical biography compilation, Profiles of Daring. Not only that, but my Book Club co-chair and illustrious Neighborhood Board President Barbara Del Roca has managed to get the book�s author, James Watters, to join us for a lively discussion. Now in order to accommodate Mr. Watters� schedule, we�ve moved the Book Club date to the third Wednesday of this month, the 21st. And I am confident that Book Club members will remember that, and not bother Barbara at her home on the wrong date.
Yours in reading,
Barbara Del Roca, Pine Oaks Book Club Co-Chair
Fighting Spirit...p. 3
Neighborhood Watch...p. 3
Message from the President...FRONT
Pine Oaks Book Club...p. 2
Welcome Wagon...FRONT
This Month in Pine Oaks...FRONT
Young Person's Perspective...p. 4