by Jon Lewallen
What is the Power of Numbers?
For ages, philosophers and hippies have pondered life�s great questions. Why am I here? Not just a motivational seminar, not just a two-act operetta, the Power of Numbers answers those questions and provides a pathway to daily enlightenment and general knowledgeness. The Power of Numbers instructional tape, DVD, collector�s mugs and bocce set will help you get your life back on track � to success.
All your questions will be answered in a pseudo-timely manner. All your fears will be allayed, though somewhat unreliably. Questions like: How can I lose weight? How can I convince my wife to have a threesome? Is it possible for me to live forever?
Yes, the Power of Numbers will cover all these questions and more. How, you ask? Through its unique, patented formula of numbers, that�s how. Yes, it is patented. I�m looking at the patent right now. It�s framed, above my desk. No, I can�t tell you what the patent number is, I can�t really see it from here. But back to the matter, at hand, the Power of Numbers.
How many miles does she have? Is that tarragon? Wasn�t Jeremy supposed to pick us up?
You say you are troubled. You say you are curious. But most of all, you say your are pliable. What the Power of Numbers does is take all of your questions and answer them using, you guessed it, the power of numbers. For years, top scientists have been so convinced of the power of numbers that they�ve used them almost exclusively to solve things. What things? Important things. And now, after many years of searching and re-searching, the Power of Numbers Corporation, in partnership with Amalgamated Processes, Ltd., is offering to you, at no cost other than what you pay, the official Power of Numbers book, seminar, fireplace, and monorail.
Do you want to go ahead, or should I? Was it me, or did the sangiovese taste like scrapple? May I be excused to use the restroom?
Still unconvinced about the Power of Numbers? Perhaps you�d like a demonstration? No? I�m pretty sure you would. I�m afraid I�m not really allowed, however. Perhaps if I speak to the assistant manager. Ah yes, here he comes now. Well, it appears that I�ve been given the go-ahead. Are you still with me? Good, you won�t be disappointed. Your free sneak preview of the Power of Numbers is: 9.
There, wasn�t that amazing? So act now to subscribe to the Power of Numbers bimonthly scholarly publication and watering can and get jumpstarted on the success onramp to happiness.
Should I trade Allen Iverson for Dwight Howard in my fantasy basketball league? What�s the square root of 47? Why am I so indecisive? All of these questions and so many others can be answered with�the Power of Numbers.
Fighting Spirit...p. 3
Neighborhood Watch...p. 3
Message from the President...FRONT
Pine Oaks Book Club...p. 2
Welcome Wagon...FRONT
This Month in Pine Oaks...FRONT
Young Person's Perspective...p. 4