This is probably to indulge some of my friends here in the office. After that Valentines date with her, they have been insistently asking if we’re back together. Though I do admit that we’ve been seeing a lot of each other lately. That means I’m usually in Makati, somewhere near her office in Buendia. We’d go out for a quick dinner then a slight chat. There’s no jolt of electricity, though. So I had to dispute their assumptions. The answer is no.

To put it more accurately, I think we’ve become each other’s habit.

That’s about it. No dramatic resolution, only a pathetic attempt to make my life seem more interesting. She’s still hooked to her “artist” boyfriend, the one who’s been having another affair. Every time we meet, she can’t help but look around and check if there’s anyone familiar, someone who can spill the beans. Then I look at her, unmindful of her unease, always checking if she’s ok. Three hours constrict into 30 minutes of actual conversation. A conversation spent on petty details.

She says I have an empty smile. So I smirk and ask her why.

Your eyes don’t change their expression, it’s only your mouth, she retorted.

Why, is it required?

Not really, it’s just that you weren’t like that before.

I’m a lot of things I’m not before. Perhaps it’s the loss of sleep, perhaps it’s defeat. My mother has also been calling a lot. She says she already bought me a ticket back, reminding me of my promise to go back to the States after two years, which I allotted to finish my course. What she doesn’t know is that I would still need another year to finish my thesis. And that I never wanted to go back. That I only made that promise two years ago so she would give me my passport back. That I want them to leave me alone. But I find it hard to resist these days.

I’m scheduled to leave on the last week of March. My editors have been panicking lately, they want me to at least see through the remainder of the term, which is a few more issues. It’s awkward, they say. As it seems, I’m someone with a penchant with the open-ended, always eluding closure, always disappointing everyone at the last moment.

This space could have been used for a lot of more useful things instead of my rantings. Someone else could have used the space for a regular column on pertinent issues. If I’m not caught up in these petty dilemmas, maybe I could’ve written it myself. I’d ask the students to make a stand on the NBN-ZTE scandal. I’d call for class boycott because the university as an institution refuses to make a stand, just because Neri is a member of the Board of Regents. I’d be as radical as you can imagine.

And instead of seeing her in Makati, I could’ve joined the demonstrations instead. So that I could pretend that I’m not afraid. So that I can make believe that I’m sure, once again.# Philippine Collegian

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