TEDDY'S TERRIFIC TOP 10
� Things we'll miss by leaving the good ol USA
� Ways to compensate for never going outside
� Things to refrain from doing in the presence
of the Queen
� Signs the USA gov't is anti-cat
� Signs it is a freezing winter in Denmark
EDGAR ALLAN'S LYRICAL YOWLS
� "What It's Like to Have Fur"
� "Don't Let the Cats Out"
� "Missin' 'Mericun Flies"
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Here's the top 10 indicators that the new US government has gone to the dogs:
10. Pentagon Spending: Rumor has it the Pentagon budget includes $532 stainless steel dog food bowls and $129 dog toenail clippers.
9. Military Boosts: More money for the military means an enhanced MWD (Military Working Dog) program. Promoted as genuine four-legged patriots, MWDs once had up to 10,000 hounds during World War II and now there�s a memorial called "War Dogs, America's Forgotten Heroes" at Fort Benning, Ga. Dogs will continue to enjoy top-billing as the true patriots who sacrifice their lives and recreation time for humans, while cans maintain the lowly status as a stupid house pet dependent on people to clean up after them.
8. Anti-gay Policy: It's a known fact that gay men and lesbians prefer graceful cats to fleabag dogs. Oppression for gays means oppression for their favorite side-kicks ... us cats.
7. Funding for Churches to Operate Social Programs: Now, The Church of Satan - known to conduct cat sacrifices - will get government funding to run half-way houses, where we are certain anti-cat doctrine will be as sure a thing as Corn Flakes on Monday morning..
6. Arsenic in Drinking Water: OK, so maybe 10 parts per million won't kill a person or medium-sized dog. But we cats are a lot smaller, so the new policy to let a larger amount of arsenic be in water means we could be getting a deadly dose every time we take a sip.
5. National Monuments: Republican-controlled Congress taking away Clinton's ruling to create more federal monuments and wilderness areas shoots down our chance of getting Catalina Island designated as a national kitty park.
4. Pro-Guns: It's a known fact that cats are favorite hits for idiot humans taking target proactive. With more enthusiasm for guns - now, more than 45 percent of Americans own guns - we cats will certainly lose more of our colleagues.
3. Environmental Trashing: Cats love the natural splendor of the outdoors. We appreciate fresh air, green grass to roll in, clean dirt to dig in, trees to climb and small wildlife species to slaughter. Dogs, on the other hand, are thrilled to walk around a city block and poop on concrete sidewalks. Deterioration and devaluing of the environment means cats will suffer.
2. Campaign Donations: Rumor has it Alpo donated heavily to the Bush presidential campaign all but securing dog-friendly favors in the future.
1. Cold War: If the United States acts on its paranoia of Russia by launching nuclear missiles across the planet, we cats in Denmark are as good as vapor. Already, we are washing iodine pills down with vodka in a show of our confidence in the United States.
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