legacy_march_5_1996Legacy: March 5, 1996
Time flows on as
I ready myself
to continue on my path
to finally cross a
barrier that once
seemed so formidable
going to college
getting my degree
gods that's been
my goal now
for seventeen years
always hoping
that I could succeed
where once I failed
that now when
the big day
is only months away
I find myself
unaware of the end
I've been too busy
pushing for success
always half afraid
that I'll somehow
mess up again
that it's sneaked
up on me
without too much time
to consider the future
and the next step
in my journey
in my life
and as I close out
this facet of my life
I know that I'll
never be the same again
funny the more I change
the more I remain
the same
only a little older
and perhaps a lot wiser
I find myself
reflective again
as the circle draws
to the top again
it seems that
the last few years
has been repeating themselves
as I work on righting
the pathway of the river
that I'm floating on
and yet another unexpected
meeting with someone
I haven't seen in years
since my failure
in that other college
oh yes
this time I wasn't
really surprised
when Dori stopped me
I always felt
that we would run
into each other again
I just casually
started talking to her
as if the ten years
between our last meeting
never existed
noting that she is still
the person I once loved
in my way not really
changing at all
much like me
she told me
that I was the same
but this time
it didn't bother me
perhaps because
she was the first
person I felt
comfortable with
after I came to terms
with my differences
which she somehow sensed
and still she cared for me
earlier that day
I ran across her picture
as I straightened out
my photographs
reliving some of the events
in my life my history
that I lived through
and thinking of the choices
the carried me to this day
the different passageways
I choose between
and what I left behind
but we all make choices
we all make sacrifices
for the greatest good
or so we tell ourselves
to ease the pain
the grief we feel
as the choices
carry us into another life
a little different from
the one we once lived
hoping to make
that better day
we all hope for
for ourselves and
for the ones we love
life is useless
if it doesn't have
love in it
I can still remember
the first girl I loved
not her name of course
but I remember feeling so
afraid about what
she'll do if she found out
until I met Donna
when I was seventeen
I never knew love
could be returned in kind
and I ended up treating
her so badly out of
my own ignorance
when I ran after Melody
who I lost years later
due to my own stupidity
and carelessness
and the black hole whispered
see you deserved this
for past sins for the way
you treated Donna
whose love you can never recapture
I had one shot back then
that last year at Camp Koch
when we did capture one fleeting
glimpse of the way it could be
but I held back
not willing to forgive myself
for the way I treated her
dumping her without
one single thought
of how much it would hurt her
she watched me after
that one night
I could see in her eyes
that she wanted to renew
the love we once held
but I didn't know the words
then I met Dori
who taught me love
but her own life
interfered in our
planned happiness
as a ghost from her past
haunted her days
and nights
ah it wasn't meant to be
mon cherie
but the lessons learned
that she taught me
of what not forgiving yourself
can do to you I never forgot
until happen chance
placed into my hands
a way of finding Donna
and regaining that love
that I came to realize
meant so very much to me
I don't know what
the future holds
it's in God's hands
that's all I need to know
it'll be slightly different
as I continue my education
both formal and informal
in graduate school my next goal
and in the life I lead as I
float on the river I call time
Paul Vernon Deffendall
March 5, 1996
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