legacy_july_24_1995 Legacy: July 24, 1995 Ripples forever ripples underneath the stilled surface of the river in which I call time where the past lies hidden inside dark caverns and deep crevices waiting for the light of day or an instant of lightning like memories freeing long lost thoughts oh well the past knows me that little kid who walked unaware of just who he is only knowing that somehow he didn't fit in only craving acceptance for the differences he carried in his soul why these thoughts darkening the joy a chance meeting a fore-ordained happening whatever caused it I know some one else an old girl that I once had a crush on in the sixth grade some twenty-two years ago God! an ocean of time unnoticed untouched until recently when she recognized me a few minutes just a blink in the eye of eternity we talked I haven't changed she told me still just that teenager although she looked twice before disbelieving eyes told her my identity I guess it's true I'm still searching for my way my place in the world still seeking answers to questions unasked trying to find my pathway ironic most people wore crown of thorns hidden deep inside their beings mostly unstirred each thorn are memories we want to forget until something triggers them and the pain we associate with them only Jesus wore His thorns openly for all to see only His tears were for others their pain their sin He willingly took on He bleed literally for the whole of creation freely giving his life for all who believe offering comfort for the thorns of memories but not all thorns are painful they too can be blessings in disguise these thorns protects the rose in all its glory and a rose is one of the most beautiful flowers besides thorns also call attention to special memories blessed events that we pass through that we know will lighten a day which otherwise is dull and dingy take the thorn which led me to the most prized rose of all who I hold with wonder lit eyes and a contented smile my rose my Donna whose smile can turn aside pain whose very presence lightens my spirit when I think of her I know peace I know love whose very being lights my world when I am lost in my darkest moment of loneliness and pain crown of thorns hidden storms we all face choices which way do we turn what fork do we take left fork instant happiness right fork terrible trials and delays but with the promise of fulfillment which light which way all choices are not easy some are between two evils some are between two goods sometimes the bad takes the most when we don't take it simply because of the darkness we carry our own darkness inside those memories we don't recognize as our very own the thorns we allow to grow into mountains from mole holes or those secrets no one else knows other darkness are these made from our beings harder to face thorns made into crowns barriers holding us back barriers I wonder what it might be like to be free to do for once without thinking about consequences that our actions might have but no we only tell ourselves that we are free in reality we are bound together in this world we must work together or loose all of time or perhaps our very souls the center of our beings that I for one protect with barriers of my own self made thorns designed to keep most people out only a few are allowed to glimpse into that private universe some even see without my expressed permission a friend Shawna who carries in her a savage zest for life looking it seems for her place carrying knowledge and wisdom based in part by her own suffering can see through my self-made illusions to the core of my being letting me know that I am not alone that some one cares for this lonesome warrior other ripples other reflections of a special friend Misty this one younger but perhaps no less special in my life not quite as much as Donna but one with promise that I can see just budding this rose someone I love deeply this love that I feel for Misty is totally secret from her because I haven't told her no matter how much I may want to only telling her that I love her in a playful way masking the truth behind the thorns choices are delayed and secrets are kept even though I fear that she can see through my barriers into the love I hold for her perhaps more love than what others deem "proper" but I never cared about what other people thought about me or the way I lead my life my path leads into other places I'll still search for others like me for my place in this world but no longer all that lonely friends join in when they want to knowing they're free to come and go when they wish their purpose controls their destinies their future like my purpose controls my life what ever it might be I'm still searching and probably will continue this journey until Jesus calls me home I use to think I controlled myself but now I wonder if my life is in others' hands do we really know anything about this reality except maybe each person's life is acted out together with everybody�s life we are indeed linked together in one incredible human chain bound together by common needs common wants common emotions chief of these is the desire to fit in somewhere perhaps I'll find my place freedom slavery barriers passageways darkness light opposite sides of the same coins as always this river of which I call time shows all and I can only hope that things will work that I'll find my way through change these ripples of pain into ripples of love Donna lights my world and so does Misty to a lesser extent both lights shining becoming for a while (or perhaps longer) a part of me and a part of my legacy while I rest watching the ripples in the river I call time Paul Vernon Deffendall July 24, 1995 PRIOR LEGACY NEXT LECACY RETURN TO LEGACY INDEX