Where to Eat

It is easy to stumble across mediocre restaurants and cafes in London, as it is in any other city. I'll show you a really choice selection. I have only included gay venues if they really offer good food, but all the places here offer something really special - in one way or another. One or two are unbelievable - and if you don't believe me, just read on ......

     Balans
     Balans West
     Bar Italia
     Belgo Centraal
     Benjy's Earls Court
     Chuen Cheng Ku
     Cafe in the Crypt
     First Out Cafe-Bar
     ICA
     Maison Bertaux
     Photographers Gallery
     Rupert St Bar
     School Dinners
     Stockpot
     Troubadour

Key:

"... the British cook is a foolish woman, who should be turned, for her iniquities, into a pillar of that salt which she never knows how to use."
    - Oscar Wilde

Bar Italia     NG
0700 to 0430 am Sun-Thurs, 24 hours at weekends. Soho map
22 Frith St, W1.  (0)20 7437 4520
Bar Italia is about fifty yards up Frith Street, from Old Compton St. and has several attractions to make the hike worth the effort. Firstly, is an authentic Italian cafe in Soho and possibly sells the best espressos anywhere (not to mention hot garlic bread, ciabattas filled with salami and cakes). In season, you could go on Sunday to watch the cute Italian boys who congregate to watch the satellite broadcasts of Italian football on the big screen at the end. Alternatively, if it is four in the morning and you are gagging for a coffee - this place almost never shuts. History? - television was first demonstrated here in 1926 in an upstairs room (!). Fan of the boxer, Rocky Marciano? The place is festooned with signed posters and other memorabilia. But most of all look out for the sign warning "Customers using the toilet do so at their own risk". . . and if you are wondering what that refers to, you will just have to go to find out for yourself. . .  Top

Belgo Centraal       Alc, NG
1200 through to late evening.
50 Earlham St, Covent Garden, WC2. (0)20 7813 2233 Covent Garden tube
Don't go to this big frenetic restaurant for a quiet meal. Instead go for the hundred or so Belgium beers - each served in its own special glass (try the cherry flavoured Kriek - it won't make you sick, honest!). Also, all the waiters are dressed as Trapist monks to get you in the mood for a quick prayer - or whatever monks get up to...

By now you have probably guessed that Belgo is a Belgium restaurant - so what the hell do Belgians eat? Well think of lots of spit roasted chicken, steaks, wild boar sausages, pots of steaming mussels, and heaps of fries, and you will get the idea. The service is fast and efficient, but it gets packed in the evening - so phone to book if you want to skip the queues which form. Normal prices are not that cheap (£8 - £10 for a plateful), but there are two great deals: you can get a lunch (1200-1700) and a  beer or soft drink  for £5 all in. Alternatively go between 5pm and 6.30 pm and 'beat the clock' - paying £5 for a plateful-plus-drink if you place your order at 5pm, £5.30 at 5.30pm and so on. The food and beer choices are limited in both deals, but at around half price, they are great value. Great fun - just like being in Belgium, but without all those foreigners. Top

Benjy's Earls Court         £!, Alc, NG
From 0700 until around 2115 Earls Court map
157 Earls Court Rd, SW5. Tel. (0)20 7373 0245 Earls Court tube (take the Earls Court Rd exit)
"This is not the Ritz!"- or so it says on the menu. However it is still a great place to eat in Earls Court if you want to fill yourself up with good but cheap food. Try the English Breakfasts which you can get all day (from £3.20, including all the tea or coffee you can drink). Or try the steak special on the blackboard - £4.20 for steak, fries, beans, peas and egg, and again, unlimited tea/coffee. Watch cable TV while you wait - or better still, visit the toilets where you can still catch a glimpse of the fabled purple glitter wall covering which used to cover the entire restaurant (!). Is that camp-as-tits or what? I almost always eat here when I am in the locality visiting the Colehern bar - you can't get a better recommendation than that. No credit cards. Top

Chuen Cheng Ku         Alc, NG
From around 1200 until late evening. Soho map
17 Wardour St. W1. Tel. (0)20 7437 1398 Piccadilly Circus tube.
This place has won lots of awards and is great fun. Go at lunchtime or early afternoon and ignore the set menus. Instead have the dim-sum  (served between 1100 and 1800) - these are about a hundred different types of tasty little dishes which come round on an endless procession of heated trolleys. You just flag down one of the trolley girls as they pass, and they will then let you peer into the various covered dishes to see what they are offering - all the trolleys have a different theme. It's not expensive (most are about £1.50 or so for a portion) so it doesn't really matter if you order something by mistake. However, with all those trolleys everywhere, airline stewards on holiday may find it a bit overwhelming.  Top

Café in the Crypt          Alc, NG, NS
until 2030 Mon-Sat, until 1530 Sun. Charing Cross map
St Martin in the Fields Church, Duncannon St. WC2. (0)20 7839 4342 Charing Cross tube
Where else can you enter a 18th century crypt, walk over ancient tombstones, and still get a decent plateful of food? When I was last here, the air was filled with the sort of music which they use in old biblical films - so all of the customers were left wondering if it really was piped music, or whether the Arc Angel Gabriel was about to materialise above the muffin counter. Try a hearty casserole (around £6) or salad, or just have tea and cake from the various cafeteria-style counters. To find the crypt, go to the South side of the church and look for some steps down through the railings - it is virtually opposite the gay bar "Halfway to Heaven". Just to confuse tourists, there is usually a big notice board on the pavement outside advertising the "London Brass Rubbing Centre" which is also housed in the crypt (where else!). Top

Institute of Contemporary Art         Alc, NG (but lots of gays go)
ICA is open from 1200-2300 Mon, 1200-0100 Tue-Sat, 1200-2230 Sun.
Cafe is open from 1200-1730 weekdays, 1200-1600 weekends (Brunch).
Bar is open 1730-2230 Mon, 1730-2300 Tue-Sat, 1730-2200 Sun.
Galleries open daily until 1930.
Bottom of the Duke of York Steps, the Mall (100 yards from Admiralty Arch). Tel. (0)20 7930 3647 Charing Cross tube (Trafalgar Square exit) or Piccadilly Circus.
If you are not a member, you have to pay £1.50 for a day pass to get in (£2.50 at weekends during exhibitions). But don't worry, for this you get access to a whole lot in this art complex. Besides a truly excellent cafe, you can enjoy a couple of floors of whacky contemporary art exhibitions (which usually defy all explanation and good taste) and a bar. There are also cinemas, theatre and so on. This is the ultimate arty-farty venue which at its best can be real fun. For example, there are brilliant club nights which mix video, film and live bands, international cinema, yearly awards for subversive films, and so on. So how about the food? Well, expect excellent modern Italian in the cafe - and at around £6-8 a plateful for this quality, it  makes the entry charge insignificant. The bar also serve snacks and bar food. To check out what shows are on: www.ica.org.uk

To get to the ICA from Piccadilly Circus, head South-East down Regent Street until you end up going down some steps onto the Mall. These are the Duke of York Steps - at the bottom of the steps turn immediately left and the entrance is 10 meters on the left. Top

Maison Bertaux          NG
0900-1800 Tues-Sat, 0930-1300 Sun (for takeaways only). Also opens in evenings when its own theatre is performing upstairs. Soho map
28 Greek St. W1. (0)20 7437 6007 Piccadilly Circus tube
Just round the corner from Old Compton Street is this little jewel. Established in 1871 it is an authentic French patisserie where you can  have a slice of delicious (but slightly pricey) quiche, cake, coffee or whatever. Similar, to the popular Patisserie Valerie (which is round the corner in Old Compton Street), but this is much more select - much more 'nous'. If the tiny downstairs room looks full, you can sit outside - where you can close your eyes, inhale the motorcycle fumes, and pretend you are in Paris. Alternatively, head upstairs to the equally tiny upstairs tearoom. Amazingly, the "Maison" converts this upper tearoom into a theatre on some nights - seating about 12 people, and lighting the performance with little more than a desk light. Brilliant parties downstairs for actors and customers after the shows. At its best, this is what Soho is about. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Top

Photographers Gallery       £!, NG, Disabled facilities
galleries open 1100-1800 Mon-Sat, 1200-1800 Sun
cafe open 1100-1730 Mon-Sat, 1200-1730 Sun.
5 and 8 Great Newport Street, WC2. Tel. (0)20 7831 1772  Leicester Sq tube
The Photographers Gallery is actually housed in two locations a few doors apart, and is a great (and cheap) location for a light snack or coffee and cake. This really is a nice quiet place to get out of the bustle - just wander in (free entry) and enjoy the really interesting exhibitions of top notch photography (showing at both addresses), and browse through the photographic bookshop. The cafe serves excellent light meals - salads from £3,  filled rolls from £1.30, and cakes. Try the delicious salmon mouse roll. As a bonus, you can look at more of the photographic exhibits while you munch, and afterwards, head upstairs to see the print room. Here there are thousands of prints here from well known and not so well known photographers, and everything is for sale - all types, styles and prices - the perfect print for your living room is somewhere here. But if nothing appeals, you can still have fun frightening the sales staff - by constantly appearing to be on the point of touching their precious photos with your naked finger. Facilities for wheelchairs. www.photonet.org.uk Top

To get to the galleries, start at the exit of Leicester Square tube on the East side of Charing Cross Rd (if you surface next to a Chinese restaurant, you are on the wrong side of the road). From here head uphill (North) up Charing Cross Rd for about 50 meters - then turn right into Great Newport Street. The galleries are then about 50 meters or so on the left.

Rupert Street Bar   Alc
This gay bar is an oasis of calm at lunchtime, and serves excellent food, albeit with slowish service. It is just round the corner from Old Compton Street in Soho - check out my review under Gay Bars.

School Dinners           Alc, NG
open until late. Bond St tube or Marble Arch tube.
1 Robert Adam St, W1. (0)20 7486 2724
If you like corporal punishment with your meals, then you will enjoy "School Dinners". This unusually themed restaurant is frequented by ex-public schoolboys, middle aged businessmen and of course, sado-masochists who flock to this book-lined "headmasters study". Choose from "Bunter's menu" featuring the likes of steak and kidney pie and traditional 'Spotted Dick' pudding - or the somewhat more sophisticated "Headmaster's menu". Service is by muscle-bound "schoolboy" waiters, and "schoolgirls" in gymslips. There is a good possibility you will be spanked by one of the "seniors" if you do not finish your meal so choose wisely (I AM NOT JOKING). This is a fairly smart establishment, so probably best not to go wearing your fetish gear - and by the way, its best in the evening when the staff are more "tactile" with the customers...  Top

Stockpot       £! Alc, NG but cruisy
Approx 1130-2330 Mon - Sat, 1200-2300 Sunday. Soho map
6 Basil St, SW1. (0)20 7589 8627 Tottenham Court Rd tube
A sign of a good place to eat, is when you see the locals packing it out. By that criteria, this small straight eaterie in Old Compton Street scores. It is usually brimming with hungry local gays who want a good plateful, but just aren't prepared to pay silly Central London prices. Expect a wide range of fairly standard British and Western dishes from £3 upwards - try the two course set menu (home made soup and filling main course) for £3.65. As a bonus, the cruisy atmosphere is enhanced by the rather cramped conditions which throws everyone together, as it were. Good and cheap and cruisy, but don't expect haute cuisine. No credit cards. Top

Troubadour          Alc, NG
0900- 2400 daily.  Earls Court map
265 Old Brompton Rd SW5. Tel. (0)20 7370 1434 Earls Court Tube
If you like to play or watch chess as you munch your way through an omelet, or sip a coffee, then head for the Troubadour. This little treasure is just a couple of doors along from the Colehern leather and jeans bar, and there are numerous chess sets, boards and clocks  available for the customers to play on - if you go in, you will probably see more than one game in action.  The atmosphere is great, and the food is very good, and comes in a wide range of prices - from £2.50 for a snack to around £10 for something more fancy. Casseroles, omelets and quiches and cakes and coffee, that sort of thing.  And if the chess is not enough, then in the evenings head downstairs where there is a tiny theatre in which they seem to put on all sorts of entertainment - for example, it currently seems to have jazz on Thursdays and blues and folk on Friday (around £4 for entry). Even Elton John is reputed to have performed here!!! But I do not think he is currently playing at the Troubadour - instead I suggest you ring in advance to see what is on. Bizarre and wonderful, and voted cafe of the year in 1999. Top

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