| warning: Asperger's Diary: This is a diary. IF you do not want to read a diary, never fear! You are in charge of your own destiny and can such return to your own miserable pathethic, or conversely strangely cool and peaceful lives. Thank You, enjoy your stay... ACCESS FORBIDDEN!!! YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO VIEW THIS PAGE. ERROR 404. "The -30 something-most likely to walk off the pier while gazing at scenery. --while also being most likely to NOT fall off deck in a squall and first to jump over at first legitimate opportunity. shucks. -16-most likely to..hmm, dunno yet. Morgans" *All names modifyed for privacy. Not really. No maybe... Not appropriate for children under 62. Personal Blabber (literally-streaming conscious/unconsiousness): Feb 2 07. uk red! ohhh better. I HAD A DREAM. I've been dealing with a/couple of autie parents. coping. there was a television probram, then a wave of neuro 'normal' (hah!) immigrants. who think (a couple do) that the difference is a disease and a cure is AS SIMPLE as ..I noticed more parents WHO DO AND CAN get inside the workings of thier children. ik. independence. dophin. seahawks v....I forget...oh right ny, dolphin. regal. the fair. and a garage sale. was going to take pr time but..it was pointed out that this would not be in my be st interests fso off to class for the best one yet-everyone was real nice, some blood on everywhere, a couple broken feet. well.... not really really. but cool to step to a sembeance of home for a second. home itself is looking nice. I made frineds this week. gone again for awhile as is what I know. what was I thinking. I cant do that jj stuff for shit. Im not reall good at any of it . Im closer to trying. 9/24/06-grr@fair teens (male). ended on the duck pond-I had been running darts with one eye and the other ripe to be blinded. tnx boss lady. standing near the water totally clamed the stimuli. calmed. my driver is unique. brillant. I just tried to keep up. 2 weeks no day off. Seahawks kicked Giant ass (I sortqa was rootin for giants) before the game even stated(r). I understand this article on the acedemic level-I think it is written for grade 11 but ..(take in to account the NY time s is written to the 6 grade level), but, it's macro apprears to say-autisn inteligence caused by high gluta....levels. cure gluta...levels--cure autism--be more stupid--but more healthy! It says sutism is caused basically by brain inflamation caused by, ect ect. and that this is also what causes the intelligence associated to autism abd how to fix it-basically. It also says that females are different than males because we have a additional pathway for the transmittion of (say Z). So dont treat me like a male autistic-I could have told you THAT. The behaviors a male would exibit I actually exibit too but unlike the male I interalize the symptoms to my organs and body system whereas the male would just freak out and say.....lash out. I lash out on the inside-back the fuck up. I speak down syndrome and quadlipeg neckbiter I knew when I was just a kid listening to them form coherent sentences of garbled syllabuls--its an emotion track.--witch I've always thought...interesting. And no one seems to regonixe it but them. everyone passes them by but no one seems to stop and say "hey". probably how I feel about normal chairbounds...feel like their thinking that Im thinking...awkward. and all I want to do is say "hey"--but they are not retarded enough. god bless the home cqare worker--I couldnt be that close that long; I'll take the job of just cheering them when encountered. work--worked with a stupid cluck today-wanted to break his nose if he spoke at me one more time. wanted to crumble him up in a little ball and kick him to the wilderness--'he was 'touching' people...inappropriately' we want the quest to not feel molested at pat down sick cluck--stop drifting while your strokeing my men folk bitch!!'wondered why the sup didnt notice. ed noticed. I needed a second op[inion. Is that a cluck or is that a cluck. 9/22/06 Piggy piggy piggy-get your piggy HERE-two to play-one walks away...with the pig. cutest piggy you ever did see-piggy piggy piggy-oh my g*d; that was fun. my boss comes by and says...would you be intimidated by the mic? no. I've been listening to them all day--gimmie that thing. piggy piggy piggy--lol. .. errrr... today tomorrow skip sun for other job-- mechanic says...get a honda or toyota. dad says fix the van or buy used. landlord says fix the van or buy used. vote-buy used honda or toyota. (and fix the van) :-). 600 to fix the van 1000 to buy used...then theirll both break. I still like my 'take over repo payments and fix the van isea.....' and Im always right anyways. 9/21/06-worked games at the carnival-didn't like it. though...worked on darts. used to play darts while waitressing-got very good at the one game we played--something called 15. fingers are tore up from wrapping balloons. hangnail-owie. screaming. er. sounds smells and bodys-er. I realized its (the work problems) that I dont like private profit work. This was somewherre dilutted from that because of the funds that go back into the community. This- but my sup was cool-clear direct and not emotionally driven. And there were cops and security everywhere which lowered my anxiety in general and gave a positive factor to a losing situation.. like seeing a puppy dog. is there something to that...fuzz.. heh.. whatever. why did the wig party disband in early american history? here not people-their animals. Aspergers places greater emphasis on animals and objects over people. I know I do/did--but, not so much as before.. "hypothetically" scenario (a car races down the road-in the path of the car is a german shepard and a person you do not know (or even someone you do know)-you are compelled to action for the preservation of life-both are at immediate danger for serious bodily damage if not imminent loss of life-youve got the speed youve got the prowess-youve got the time to tackle ONE out of the way" NT-doesn't think twice. That's probably normal-for a kid to choose the dog over the people. bumped into a friend who used to live 3 doors down. recognized NO ONE else. no one-thats great. not sure though if I should finish through sunday for the teardown hours I am sure will come-or follow through with another promise. other promise. This segment of times brain trauma-has to do with a package. vancouver. a couple cars. some mean looking rag heads I hadnt met /seen before. a serious downpour. a party with white table and white packages. a couple cars-I already said that...I'm not supposed to be able to work this out for myself...trails off goes to work-you son of a bitch. nods. yeah-muslims gifting a synagouge didnt make /seem right to me either, but for some reason they didnt ...they thought it would be cute if the little white girl. maybe it was only a package. Only for a second did I see news and it almost dawned on me with horror...before again wisked off away to some other trauma. ever seen the inside of a sikhs sense of humour? http://conflict-religion.boker.tv/news/conflicts/other_religions/canada_indian_born_sikhs_cleared_in_plane_bombsThis Not , welll its like police-their code of ethics is immaculate-until groups of them fail and become other than. I like the sikh ethic from an observer standpoint-until they fail and become other. Indira got the sense of humor when her guards turned on her. The 20th centerurys greqates loss. This time segments questions: Why am I the only one 'from then' who cares to be traumatized by 'then'. I was not the only one present. fuck this shit-Im late for 'carni days' did I? was that what I fucking did? weeks reading: 9/06-does anybody ever REALLY do the poolboy, or is that just some joke made up to make young boys take the job. sigh. data entry in the evenings. security on the weekends. crowd customer service on my days off. firewatch on my days on. personal development inbetween. this IS VACATION :-). need a maid. Here's to the old timer bold enough to approah, yank and compliment a girls pigtail id and badge in view--thank you silly :-). no fucking kidding. 9/something/saturday..ersunday. again. secure eveent. pat downs. minimally invasive. the sup was fantastic. boss found us extra posts to make a full day. 9/something/saturday/06--following a lead from ed and expecting downtime at the one place-well, we both ended up strolling security at this place. We ended up teamed. And the clients were very receptive. Alot of walking and asking people to 'please put out your cigarettes' ect. The coolest part about the whole day there was this guy who toured us the facility. Creepy he resembled somebody awful--but not at all in attitude. Too bad the rest of the team were not little replicas. The overview training style was fucking immaculate. Highlights-helping a deaf woman and watching this amazing couple of toddlers watching me. I listened to the radio and a different demension revealed itself-behind the crowd..oh...ok, so thats what its like. Though-I would prefer not work with one--having NO CLUE what to do with it. I have a feeling I'll learn pat down tomorrow-though, I enjoyed working the crowd and customer servicing smiling people-helping people to the smoking section ect. . (I have a tolerance) it goes from hi to goodbye in approximately 2 years. Then 10 down doing ANYTHING not involving ..... faces, voices, extra.. ---- had the longest conversation with Fred I've ever had. I think once he understood that I'm trying to communicate without communication skills he cut me some slack--I didn't have to be drunk for him to understand me or anything! Look. Im an idiot. oh ohkay.... your not doing that on purpuse...no hun... AOH! my other job I got some experience working the man lift--but mostly I got some expereince being strusted as large ship lookout. This was actually a development-though AI cant put my finger on it. if a boat comes by it could push this ship into the manlift ect. so its a high tide stop and go affair. neat project-very different than what I am used too. My farsightednbess...great here. ah. new managers for the rotc. new board thing too. day one was and emotional spegetti as there were 'issues' in the room and too many gimmie gimmie what are you gonna do for me types. helllllo? volunteers here.. And aI watched the focuse slip from the children......and a ray of hope that it will not be so. learned alot. politics. reality. human spirit. Who's ed. Ed's one of my few supporters sharing the actual same 'job description category'. HIs girl is a eurpean. his mom just passed away and he settled the affairs/estate. We've worked at the same local for a year maybe less through different companies. Basically, he's the guy whose not stabbing me in the back. But more basically, he's the guy who I watch to learn how to eat right--hilarious as that sounds. He knows I eat like a shit hound. his consistent dining on tomatoes and whole grains...well, at his age he's in tremendous shape-I look for that when learning from others (covertly) how to be healthy. I mean.....I want that life in my skin at 60 too. I guess he takes something called xango-red fruit/asian. HE HELD ME UP TODAY-or maybe....he kept me from 'moving too fast'--like I always do. though, I'd like to be paired with a veteran to learn the ropes more efficiantly-I do not appreciapte the hard way. I end up losing my job that way becasue of my tendancy to get pissed and disgusted with disorganized chaos. 9/7/06 Made a friend-she's a samoan. she's an asperger. she's a hyper athletic. you HAVE NOT encountered nice, until you have met "Asperger Girl"--It's autism. Tommorrow-bbq. essed this time of year. but no. saw some old coworkers at a old job site. on of them reminds me of KUNGFU-he's a trip!!! found it!!!>> http://www.kirotv.com/investigations/2644422/detail.html does the happy yah muther fucker dance. as little as it is spoken of, it's good, just good, to see it in text. everyones always trying to ...brain wash that it doesn't exist, or something, pc and all that I suppose. ------------------------------------------ 2 dreams. dream one, professor, "did your dad comitte suicide" dream two, two people, "you know your in a grave yard. you know your in a grave yard" and I woke up thinking--you know-shut the fuck up (to know one but a dream, and a dream is in factg by definition the mids way of processing and giving feedback concerning concious though. . I m senistive to the hill side. the house we lived on a few blocks over and up had a 12 by 10 anomoli in the basement, which was always really weird. it was an open basement, but it was like when they built it or something they couldnt get something out and just built around it. not even to the ceiling. 10 by 12 by 3.5. walk up to a chest leve wall covered in dirt. pipes didnt seem to factor in and I made a mental note against the builder-that's just tarded.-and I rather think this hill would make a grand burial site, however-it sits above a textured bay dotted with islands, the sunset*, and the mountain range.. tribal lands and all that. you know. I am in the orchard. you know...head stones are cheap and inexpensive. why dont more people carve them. Interesting dream through. If one person is buryed in the orchard-and I am in the orchard-am I in a graveyard? true. Is one person buryed in the orchard? I have no cause to know. I naturally 'think' that the 50 or so long owner/caretaker would choose to be buried here, but that is just logic. The whole world is a graveyard. Think about it. how many years of humans being buryed. Once your dead long enough though it becomes ok for someone to come alonge and dig you up-poke and prod. disrespect. these are the bigger questions I like to think about when I'm not bombarded with experience related to my 'not family'. For instance: public planning. how does that all work when it is discovered or known that burial sites exist? I dont really need to know, but it's like a kid who ponders the question, 'why is the sky blue?' I know it is one I dont get to know the answer of-because I know we build over buryed things. the movie 'poltergeist' touched on this. seems feasable-society plowing along-reorganizing traditions and valuse to meet the build the progress the $$. what would I do? sell the property-park the property-wetland the property. in the case of my hillside. my hillside is so bitchen (granted the 40's) that regardless of the entire witdth of it was graveyard-somebody would build there. --- omg! (preadoptive) but omg! there going to p.....show a show of a guy who was raised in training camps (terrorism). good deal. ---- 1 dream 5:59 am, Big Jimmy (my leadman) "AMMMMMBER!" (in that you've been a 'bad girl' tisk tisk (puppy) tone)---you know though-I think I really needed a break from jeff anyway. All that 'prospect' energy was really bringing me down! Give him his colors already. (asked the cleaning lady why he was being such a bitch-she explain the process, explained pardon I am not a spell check, explained the process of his attempt to join a harley club. My shift started at 6. ------ According to my memory I have a bullet fragment in my liver-gunshot age 5/6 and a ceramic-not forever lasting 'bead' in my back-ice park age 4. my concern is of course re-paralysis in the case of bead, and death in the case of magnetic cat scans. --------------------------------. 2 dreams. one was pre the malena dream and concerned an aquintence stanting "I just realized you have aspoergers". The second was a minute ago and concerned and aquiantence stranger stating "well your done". I also had a dream a couple nights ago concerning the aquiantence stranger handing me a clear and sticky american flag sticker,, peeling it apart at the back and feeling the 'stick' and just feeling so happy that that person ....no translation'give a sticker'. I woke thining about iraqi kids and how much they could like cool clear stickers--not those suck ass white ones. It's like getting a piece of candy from behind (the woman behind) the counter at the soviet 'stores'-you have nothing but the right people always give you something that seems like a million bucks. ---- am something. preday. I had talked to my counselor over my concerns about aspergers and *** . we didnt continue the conversation-there are a lot of conversations we dont continue--I get this alot in the regular world but I havent put her on my no fly list yet, rather thinking her eith unprepared for the subject matter or needing to think about it more or it might simply be more meant for the next step up on the counselor line or that Im not forceful enough in my query as most of our conversatioin is free flow--how is she to know what is most important for me. thats a big breakthough-that people just dont know. wheras on my end its a big duuuuuuuh. --------------------- 1 something am monday august something-woke to a dreaming of malena, our resident little angel-who ironically hasn't appeared to 'grow' at all in the 6 years we've teneted here. she was standing across the courtyard looking at me sadly while squarly applying lipstick in a slightly exageratted, forceful way left to right left to right. She has a wonderful caring, though slightly highstrung family. what's up mally? It's been a generally bad summer all around. would benifit from horse camp. I hope her nightmare/terrors have stopped. I remember her bringing them up in reference to the fall. things are generally darker and creepy and cold-temp changes-I'd be spooked too where her window faces, though another just wouldn't notice the aesetic of the trees, dark mosses, shadow. Most my nightmares took place in the nw woods. so much green and decay--where ARE the birch forests? serioulsy-I'd like to go there.--just searched; oh no kidding.. :-) ! AMy BIG learning this week has been about the reverse diaspora and it's complications in the 70's. oh no kidding.... I'd be really grateful if americans would stop adopting from russia. Let russia manage it's own kids. I believe romania has just placed a ban. Better to be burned out than to fade away. There was this program on nancy grace last night about the us woman who's little russian boy was killed (allegedly by her)-her big problem appeared to be his strength, activity level, and misunderstanding of 'her' ways. she was going on about how he would hit his head alot 'on purpose'-lifting a church pew to repetitively hear it bang. And I was thinking 'duuuuuuuh-he's russian... feats of strength. bitch killed a good little boy who would have damn well been better off with bed sores and his own people. information overload? (someone says)---no shit! april may june july I respect the citizen who gave that heads up-huh. happened to be muslim. actually-my first sentence was I respect the muslim who turned in those " "'s-that was the pc version. jury duty kicked in--such timing! spent the day squiqgeeing the ocean floor at some beach in olympia-man was that strange. coworker said he killed 2 brazilian customs agents back in his balloon trafficking days---I had just finished saying-dont tell me. that bothers me it really does. Aug 8 there I go again-too many pages. EXPOSURE THERAPY??? ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS!! I just read somewhere while cross referencing ptsd with aspergers that exposure therapy or recreating trauma scenarios is HELPFUL to the PTSD sufferer. Now I dont know about anybody else, but I atteneded a rape recreation and I laughed my ass off watching the actors grow as people and attempt to perform their roles with a room of so much trauma and fear and expression. but though I have emotion associated to rape it was not what was on my mind. much to the befuddlement of the participants. what was tramatic was being in a room with people who didn't know what was going on or why these people were doing it to them. and why did I stand outside of that? Aspergers? but if someone were to say, recreate 'actual' events I think I'd swallow my tounge and die on the spot. so I have to think back further to identify my social brain glitch to patty, back before tacoma, back before vegas, back to home. I'm in an interesting place because not only is aspergers a feasable definition to the t of what I expereince but what I have experienced is futher complicated by unconventional factors. such as title 4 adoption v false memory; culture convlict v social deficit within current culture context; brain disorder by growth v brain disorder by oxygen deprivation and coma; foriengn sounding as an indicator of aspergers v foriengn sounding by forign origion; aspergers or ptsd v aspergers AND ptsd; aspergers related ambliopia (eye/vision disorders) v snow blindness or was the ambliopia preexisting and my time on the snow open eyed and unresponsive just secondary and back to fasle memory or title 4 adopton and forienn sounding or forieng or just forine and culturally normal or foriend and aspergers and why would I have all the ailments of a forieng grandmother anyways. Its rather complicated to sort out enough to talk about. becasue of the nature of this disorder self revelation is paramount-by very definition we lack tghe ability to communicate while appearing completely normal to others. no. idont want to reexperience these things. I've come somewhat close actually. I met a man who was almost identical to the real or falsememoried attacker-but it was much like the rape converence-something that should have feared me but instead I percieved from an intellectual/my this is interesting-perpective. in another context maybe...another like the one that was.I have 4 such people. My son looks very much like my brother. My professor looks very much like my father. My other professor looks very much like my second father and that guy who looks just like...). I passed by someone who reminded me of my eldest brother*, but no one, no one looks like mom. the point? none-interesting triggers random. and if. if I was-what is so important about not talking about it. and when. when these things are known to happen, why is an american so quick to know this but still believe it only 'actually' happens in the movies. and shit just keeps piling on-in a way though on a minute fragmented scale. patterns of social communication misunderstandings that are small in comparasion to life altering grievances--the consequences of which are still unresolved but not as immediately hazardous as before-not predictably anyway. . luckily, I've severed ties with the person who relished in the piling on of these things and the hiding of me long enough to start addressing some of it unhindered-realitavely. I've asked the people I am 'assigned' to, you know, my family, but they change the subject or steer away from the topic or ignore it completely as if I have not spoken. this especially stands out to me. and still they are strangers..and that's the strangest thing. Ive never asked or even spoken or even been able to but whne I do they sort of ....trail off to something else--the 2 that are relatively normal. she had always done that-but I had never felt ground enough to ask him an actual question relating to myself--and he couldnt address it and couldnt address that he couldnt address it. he just chose silence. I cant find that helpful when I need words as a response (notices the irony) And from the outside perspective this is all, all my expereicne is more than I'd like to handle-but it's neccessary. Any more and I'm going to deport, seriously--only my lack of applied social communication would (does) keep me thinking in circles. Assuming my memories are correct, though young, I can identify asperger related communication deficiancies as far back as before adoption to the age of 4-but they are few--the family small and social norms keeping family and the greater community to the place where these things need to be viewed within their context. I'd love to hear the doctor say, "no, your completely and totally normal" I'd react with 'cool~ then what the fucks wrong with everyone? why cant I hold a conversation past the structure of ask and respond for a purpose.how and why do people just 'carry on' like that. July 25th- exchanged 'e''s with a person who lives in a town my family once visited (partially by rail) on it's way to the water-some water. the second meat chopper is ready for install-we are chain-falling it up in place today. A water pump is mostly installed-we are working on it today. From there the welder needs to build a 'stage'-somewhere for workers to stand-in a couple of the above deck crab holds. gonna try the bus-I hate the bus-I hate the car even more.-it's auto. what else. Welder Danny ran around ship showing everyone his bum (ass) on monday. Apparently this was his 'seat-belt' warning. He took a corner sharply and was 'exited' from his vechicle which continued on until a passanger stopped it. (I thought that was so funny-not his fat bum. but the amount of coverage the bruise took up sq ft...2 sq ft... I thought the behavior dangerous) safety bill revealed he is an ex navy cop....why ol timer cops are so happy and humorous and nice-----dunno. dont care. like it. San Juan now known as "Tio" (uncle). Words this week-- see-air-reh and see-air-ruh saw tool; and zipper. The new cook didn't show for work. They will be looking for a new cook--and it aint gonna be me! (Not that I wouldnt learn to cook to take the position at some time in the future) what else--somebody 'actually' make the comment that my befuddlement over reporting the witnessing of the disposal*(other than first definition in the dictionary) of an unwanted troublemaker some 30 years ago somehow implecattes MY guilt in the matter. Pull your head out of your ass chap! REAL life doesn't work that way-stop living in fantasy land. Though his 'example' of how to organize the words was really helpful. I reported locally, partially, no response, what else is new. Maybe when people don't have a body to go google and pick at they just dont see the relevance otherwise. I found 'the right' reporting number and 'should' be able to wash my hands of it. Not that anyone may give more than a partial shit. They're more concerned with fantasizing fictional stories about why the reporter is reporting-intricate details about the motive behind--skipping completely and totally over the very basic and primal fact that they did in fact, as a unit, a country, an ideal, TEACH, IMPLORE, REQUEST, IMPLY, that this is in fact the behavior they seek. Now. If I'm doing exactly what I was directed to do, why all the ruckus. Not like I haven't done it a dezin times before only to be futher the victim by doing so. And you wonder why little girls wind up in the bushes for reaching out. Im an old bird now. I've had alot of years to learn to no longer give a shit about your opinions. It wasn't like someone "I" consider myself biologically related to committed the stupidity. Or that I have much emotion other than still trying to conclude the programmed function to an incompatible operating system. (tekky's out there?) Must be my aspergers. I'm rather pissed off actually--why tell us. why instead not say-"no one wants to know or goves a shit anyways" That would have made more sense and saved me wasted time getting jumped every time july 24th-been researching my first name and prior residences. interesting shit! alot of it, yes, matches. and hope. other than-and 20+years of ignoration befuddles me...why? I'd love to be not wasting my time. july 22nd. Aspergers...sounds a little like ASS PURGERS don't it? Out Purging Ass or Purgeing the world of ASSSSSSES. ok thats bad/ but the session went good. there was a little I couldnt grasp--but mostly I left feeling hopeful. til I got home...and realized--I'll never see an ocean or touch a flower--not like others do. I'll never know what you meant-not like you intended it. You'll never know me--my body sends off different cues. Just knowing there is a whole social ta do that I'll never 'get' because my brain does not have the apparatus---depressing-and still hard to fathom not knowing it existed in the first place. And of course--you can't access mine. too bad. we could have learned something. July 20...thurs Bad dream-teradactile. slept with the light on. Teradactile hasn't been on my list of "fears" in a very long time! Lets see...there's teradactiles, cement trucks, raccoons, moose. dark spiders. mosquito eaters. tranantulas are 'actually' ok. there more like mammals-really. today though. facts: joined an autism game...uh.....thread. it's cool. watched jeff burn-re welding. backed up chin-who jackie was not watching burn-re welding. watched a boat. chain work moving a new bait maker (wouldn't want to piss off anyone out at sea--holy shit). helped instal bait maker motor. chit chatted with brooke-the daughter of a special ed teacher. shes got the hots for the new carpenter. eh. he's got nice hair--but he himself-a mystery out of place. stayed out of chiefs way--he wears his frustration on his sleeve. eddie flirtatious as usual. san juan an uncle-bear (mother fucker thinks I'm from Germany). Jim the music guy from seattle took the bell kit and will get it to a good place--he's pretty way cool; him and his wife backbone alot of school music and town music stuff. on the way home there were alot of cops-in uniform-2. I like to think about which towers town snipers would be in in times of trouble. I can't help it-my head does its own thing. OH. My not so secret admirer will be on board tomorrow. He loves by critisising and has his very own wall in every bathroom on site. rolls eyes. I spend my days thinking of cute catch phrases to add to the wall and when I need a good laugh I know where to visit to read asian and white complaints alike.Mine would be too easy to spot-ther'd be a big word in there no one really uses in common speech and the concept would be to 12 grade reading level--unfortunately. Perhaps though...I could spell backwords or leave out some key letters like my asian friends. Because I don't grafitti-I've thought actually of tapeing a paper. ah well. I asked for the day off--my boss is going to help me coach through the day. In other words-denied-muhahaha. fuck. not this week. I'm glad for the security meansures. They make me feel like somethings right in the world. They are not unnoticeable if you grew up autistic driving through there. It was my favorite pier-I never dreamed I'd be standing on it-let alone a year strait. And I'm looking out the other side thinking.. oh hum so THAT'S how boating recreation works-no shit; just like cars. But--I havent seen traffic in like, well since boarding. there's a big fuckiing bulkhead in the way. I watched at lunch though. just the water and the wildlife. noting again a flock of geese will always have an even number separated in odd groupings. I heard it somewhere--why I mean. --- 6pm-they sure do visit the scene of his accident alot. They are actually about 25 feet back. I guess people with unfinished business--(or blood on their hands) dont need to do that. I'm not heartless--I've just seen enough. And in thinking back to the funeral and wondering why I am purusing organ donation articles I am not a bit surprised...sister being the regional organ go-getter and all. casket feeling all like who was in it was facing the wrong way to the headstone (funeral)--and afterwords like not there at all. I mean--we dont visit-there's nothing there. there's simply-nothing there. that whole burned beyond recognition speal when the fire truck was on scene---because everyone was chasing him all over the goddamed highway? something to ponder anyway. Sure..its 'possible' I wasnt there anyways. but you know...living donation requires----brain death. And I garuntee you the back of his card was NOT signed donor because it's not what he wanted---against his belief-the one thing he had. And since you disrespected all his others--why not there too. power hungry stomp all over little brother...stomp to death..because you don't know how to love and grow. No. I don't feel for you when I drive by you on the freeway asking forgiveness a little to late. He asked enough while he was living--we all did. You can visit his 'spot'. Your 25 feet off. I don't need to feel the accident-over and over and over. And my drive-stangely curves right around that. Not even in my view. I am so grateful, for once, deeply grateful at this regions highway sceme. july.....18 (?). well. my cable has shut off 2wice now-not for real, just like someone is sitting at the button or they are doing work that involves blackout. . the first time, I noticed it at 12:10am the night of or after or before (I didnt' think about it until later after hearing the news) the old apartments burned down. yeah I lived there before--twice. I think the lady died in the process of cooking something/smoking/electricity and or well anyways-I think the woman died and there was no one living to stop the fire. I dont think anyone killed her. I mean. They haven't said ANYTHING about what they think it is. If I lived alone and say was cooking and then say had a heart attack and the heat from the burner--however long it was on melting the pan or surronding debris or whatnot. seattle came all the way down to dive our channel I heard. and I'm thinking....why? theres nothing there.--cept a state of the art coast guard facility--that I've never seen. but anyways. the cable shut off--chacacteristic of STATIC waking me up...and I thought...oh shit did I pay the bill!!! so I run up (at midnight) and pay the bill on the machine at the local safeway. then this morning--again it shuts off...right when I should be waking up because I sure as shit hit snooze and didn't intend to, and I thought--oh shit! didnt pay power.....and I think....man, wouldnt it be great if....somebody just shut off my cable every time the utilities are due )or needed to wake up?>?). then I wouldnt have to look at a bill that says the 16th and wait for the 16th to pay it and then of course...forget the 16th or what I was supposed to do on the 16th. I hear calanders are good for this.... goal this week. train self to tape calander to desk. train self to look and obey. seriously---rediculous.and since I spend enough time RIGHT HERE it should work.... ooops--violin calls...(noticing a pattern.) tape.....check july/august calander....check... upcoming appts... aspergers2.....uh...renewal...some bills and shit...classes...business meetins...archery...thinking of volunteering maintenence or cleaning (or something) at the autism clinic...classes....school....what do I got to do for school...um..yeah um...yeah. ok overload.... violin. there is no point to this blog. later that day/... I'm so proud of my little guy. My little freak (a complement) just converted the twriple A remorte to a double A remote. by way of wires and duct tape. Now aren't you glad I aced science he says.... I am glad he got my genes. I knew he would. poor littla fella. earlier. I'm having my first temper tantrum in years. (these are not dangerous and ALWAYS private. I've NEVER let anyone SEE/HEAR/SMELL/ OR CATCH ME IN ONE) I'm autistic-NOT STUPID. Some where between being clinically diagnosed as Autism Aspergers YESTERDAY and stumbling as well across the definition of Hyperplexia--I reached that inspiring meltdown moment. I'm not capable of ACTUALLY damaging anything as I am well aware of the breaking point of any given solid substance-refrigerator, door, cabinet, air, ect. But they have been banged alittle and mocked battled assuridly. (power puff roar). :-) Its been so long....... 15 years? And it stems from caring-an emotion I hadn't ENTIRELY turned off.... A 'proper' feel or energy tranferrance to negate the emotion of the horror of the realization that--------> (there is more?)would come from kicking in a door (and then done with!)--however, realizing the affect this would have on others, not to mention I have no spare 'kicking doors' this is infeasable. A cord of wood and an axe would be ideal. Have you bear hugged your aspie today? Probably not-that would be "uncivilized." did you know an overpressured squeeze is CALMING. of course not. sigh. lemmie at em. When I was a kid-I'd simply sit in quiet and bang my head against the wall. How do you abuse someone who cant recite the alphabet but CAN pronouce, spell, and recite a 20 syllibul word. basically... Anyways -I'm mostly happy overall--with my head I mean. What I found out about bikers that I didn't need to know (too much information--wrong planet!) was that the Diablos don't like the Angels. And what was weird was that the guy was telling me a story about a bar friend who was going on and on and on about how the Diablos sucked ass and all that..and then the guy who was listening had just joined the Diablos. He thought it was funny to say... well buddy your not going to believe this but..... "your talking to a diablo..." and then we were working and all and I said, well buddy...your not going to believe this.... and I left it at that. I didn't tell him that some nice old man on a journey insisted on bestowing the title 'honorary...(insert club here) on a lost kid--he wouldnt understand that! (and I might get reassigned) :-) The old man wouldn't let me refuse him and so I accepted, perplexed because I don't accept 'awarenesses" that I don't understand, but feeling a small part special that some traveller gave me that small parting gift. I'm really no biker, but in context of his conversation it was funny to contemplate the reaction of throwing back at him what he threw at that guy. |
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