| June 30 06 I'm not sure I understand...A 'former' career criminal/meth cook/armed robber"you 'don't know' the things I've done' (yes I do-I smell it on you) finds jesus and achieves a management position in a facility which utilizes a hell of a lot of amonia(meth component). I do think he's doing better than say six months ago. Only 3 women claim he stalks them, sitting outside their parents home. But he's stopped pursuing me, even stopped making strange conversation. good move. thumbs up. way to go. whew thanks! I like him when he's not relapsing into that mind frame-only thing is, is it a farse? I see genuine change--but I really had to push for it. Now I get the face he shows his bosses. but does the other still exist? I just hope he doesn't crack/relapse. Interesting: after his behavior 're-programming' that he talks fondly about, or rather utilizing a sense of this taken from this conversation I've been able to save myself some trauma initiated by him, by just referring him back to his own set of ethics. ie : 'that's not very christian of you' and instead of trying to overlay his image of women onto me in a serious way that has me on my heels he's actually squinted his eyes open to 'take a peek'. hiiiiiii. waves. not quite a quaker here. other person: I'm sure I understand.... why a particular person (not even going into this one) would be employed by a pshychiatrist and working on a program to access paitent (er...manage) files. but I don't think he'll be there long. they'll figure him out. such a good fighter too. I wonder...if he's ever fought....Men....or if he just hides behind the skirts of the women... I've noticed a pattern of him reciditivly being discovered and 'quietly' sent away to avoid embarrassment. but he can sham enough people enough of the time. the lenght of time for this discovery is 2 years per employer. oh shit yesterday was weird. I was standing on the other side of the bulkhead and I hear....tugboat....but I think....'feels like coast guard..." and then I think...that those two terms together dont make sense because the coastguard doesnt float a tug near here... but that didn't (sorry, the need to slip into runglish 'past-tense as present'***) jive because our red and whites mosly only run their army of quick small craft; and then it passes..... and was a giant RED andWHITE TUG. ok... but then even weirder... a couple minutes later... I hear.. Tugboat. the sounds pretty unmistakeable. but weird...I was thinking... 'police' And that totally doesnt make sense because I know damn well...there is NO such thing as a police tugboat. and I was confused because my ears told me a tug was in the water about to pass, but my thoughts...were saying/feeling 'police'..so I thought maybe a tug was passing but the police were in the water that day. and then it passes. RED and WHITE... tug. NAMED "CHIEF" And Why do these 'senses...feelings' that take random and unpertentinant-to-whatever-I'm-doing-at-the-time context-es and places them in my 'musing' and then reveals them in the physical, happen to me? not that it matters in the solid-musing is very different than ownership. but why. is it genetical or environmental. or both. Is it solely genetical because my birth mother was gifted-or solely enviornmental because my adoptive father was/is (again-past tense as present=present past tense)-or because the sheer isolation I witnessed during formative years resulted in so much thought with so little social strings/behavior mores that natural biological brain functions were not 'stifled'. I have my own theory--probably not mine because it is probably in text "somewhere"-but it involves a purely biological process on the phsyics level up to and incorporating universal conciousness and... vision.In other words. I wouldn't have a sense of the facts of any of these 'musings' unless they were perrcieved by another set of eyes...and I'm including all bio-forms (if that is the right word) who have eyes that process to some type of brain/processer, in this hypothesis. Can such a thing be tested? No. Not really. The good news is that I don't have to believe or take ownership. I can just pretend that I wasn't thinking 'police' when CHIEF sailed behind and then past us. When other people are tripping on me because I am continutng a conversation with them that involves items they have only 'thought' and not spoken-I can rationalize it to them as 'logical deduction based on conversation context'--which it is-mostly. ,(I missed that show too-fuck! I wanted to watch that-raised detective/branded psychic themed) because to put any effort into 'factualizing' the mysteriously 'conveyed' is redundant (I would tell another and believe myself-mostly). It was NOT coastguard--it was only the COLORS of coastguard. It was not police--it was only NAME of police. Is/was there a body off the pier forward of the airforce/navy/ rescue boat at TallShips2005 ?? I dont know. I dont dive-nor trespass. but I thought there was. and I thought it was that women who disappeared from the resturant, the one that looks like carrie wold. but its a logical musing. the pier is nearby the resturant-a couple miles. people put bodies in the water. why that spot right there where the walkways intersect just forward of that bitchen ship--I dont fucking know. but-im not going to be the freak who calls in a 'musing' I mused about a spot, a specific spot, beneath the water. And at the same time I mused about a specific person who likely is deceased, somewhere. But having thoughts doesn't mean you have 'facts'. they are only facts when they relate to my personal safety. BECAUSE THATS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE WHAT-OTHERS-THINK-ABOUT-IT ceases to be a factor. so anyway...slept since shift end yesterday. up early-or late. moved on from a big safety rail moving-patio expansion-to work on a beam that works hydralically in crabbing-to a new hatch that will allow crabbers access to their hold more safely--support function. learned definately the boson knot by way of the rabbit story. finally. and the truckers knot. thanks. jeff joined 'a club' chris broke a rib, but 'my back and neck are greeeat" :-) ron 'disappeared' for awhile chin got in a 'cholo' fight (er...got a 4 inch gash in his hand while opening a bottle....) and was EXTREMELY domesticated for about..... 2 weeks. cholo fight. my senses tell me 'cholo fight'--but thats only because...well he's a cholo and is looking for a fight...and had the top of his hand'knifed'-and in knife class--that is the target.... its a guess based on what I know of chin. Im more content to humor the musing as fact-because it entertains me-considering he's offered to kill, maim, harm, while at the same time being in arguement with me. again-total ignoring has been to my benifit here. toolman dan has stopped being extremely verbally/emotionally irrationally abusive and has been looking at me quietly-pensively. (oh thank god-a rest) chopper stopped being a dick and now is a sweetie. gilbert stopped sending his sicko perv vibes my direction-by being completly and totally IGNORED. eric m is still fabricating facts based upon what-he-would-like-to-be-true. bri got a job- eddy has still got a crush. if only adultry was not a stop function of the soul... caught welding respritory irritation... cyanide. fiberglass. no mask. dooh! fiberglass gets me every time--dam fireblanket debri, the stuffs impossible!! it floats on the air for like 15 minutes even after gently picking the thing up to move it. it sucks!!!! there has got to be a better way. Back to a former train--I've been right before and the ethical issue for me is not money, or recognition, or confirmation. It is this: 'if'. 'then I should' 'so that' 'because' 'for them' when searching for a childhood aquaintence I went to two places. and 'couldn't' enter either. "because""there was""something there" and I was afraid to be alone. "because" "there was" "something there" "related" and I thought. if I go there. I will join the dead girl brigade. and I didn't want to know what that feels like. 'because'"I knew" a frindge, an essence, of what that would feel like. and why would I do that to myself. I mean. whats the point. knowingly joining the dead girl club. there is no point. so in advance lets not go there. and thats where she was. somewhere in there. not the one place-someone else was there, or had been found there. but I went to both. took my little bike and road, because I thought-'where could she be? the parks?' those kind of things frighten me. aside from making me suspect. logically. I mean. 'how did you know that?'.. uh. 'jumped in my thoughts'. a big how-the-fuck-should-I -know shrug. but they make life interesting. I didn't go in the dark part of those parks because I thought my stepdad would jump out and cut me up. he liked to go off and walk/wander those trails and think. we were told to stay back. A silly thing to go 'parking' for the sake of the adult. REALLY weird. because, I mean, what did he have to think about? he did all his thinking at work. you'd think he'd stop thinking and ENJOY a beurtiful area with his wife and kids--but he'd just run (walk/strut slow, hands in pockets) up ahead or tell us to go back and just disapear for a long while. I mean-he'd start the walk with all of us so he could get to a place where he could walk alone. fucking weird. midway back to the gully and off to the right. a small trail. I wont even drive the road near the gully. I cant look at the playground or the trees. I CAN visit the other park-though, I just mostly, dont want to. or any densely wooded area---grass hilsides and oak trees and cliffs and rivers--ok. where I can see. The drawbridge is gone now(thumbs up!) but we actually used to drive through the industrial-to the back road-to get north. Looking at it from the pier is beautiful. The water channel is often green and flows in a pattern like some big deep river-not sea like at all- Atop the hillside are homes looking out over the port bay and recieving--and I wonder who lives there and why and what they think about. below is a marina to the left another. the one across from us, well after long contemplation I guess I know more about the sea. boats and storage. and maybe someday. and portside the aestectic is often of the cool underside of the pier, barnacled poles with yellow garden spiders webbed between, mist-like sun streaks upon soft green waters shine a gentle haze through the cooled air-peaceful and clean-and clear. I want to go there. seriously. I want to just sit under there in a canoe and just 'feel' my surroundings. Its that attractive. But I dont know why. looking at it from the ship puts me in 'pause'-ashtonishing. I could stand all day and look at the underside of pier 27 and just 'sigh'. better than a mountain top., I've two spiders sharing a web off my back porch. Little things. Im aracnaphobic, but they are ok to live. Normally, I cringe and 'off' them, fearing the convienence of window entrance. They sit about a quarter inch apart and appear to be of different species. maybe it is a male and female of the same species. sure..I'll probably have hundreds of little spiderlings crawling up the wall soon--(eek) but there is something so fascinating about these two that I 'have to' (dont mind if) let them live out their life cycles even though they have chosen it on MY PROPERTY. Usually, the spider forfiets its life at my door or on my porch, without thought the large ones do. -my rules to nature-because I dont like to be bit. I feel violated when I wake up with a bite. like some little fucker hides all day so he can sneak up when Im sleeping and get a free meal. dont they have insects for that? but I've been becoming leniant and even ignore the occassional cobweb spider in the house. the male has gotten....bigger. maybe my porch isnt the best place for you two love birds.... maybe I'll jar them and transfer them to the roses by the road. uh er... June 27th even. I lived prior alot of the specifics covered in course work. the A's however still surprising. 'hearing' confirmation of MY EXPERIENCE. healing. finally. smart people-(person)-real issues. June 24th while avoiding a person I was distracted into a 6 hour language book lesson explaining my frustration. It turned out something like, "in addition to shitass accross the street there is shitass cunt-chaser across the lawn and cunt-chaser across the the yard-my arm aches from a work burn, my back aches from an accident-I didn't ask for this, what a shitty deal!" Anyways, a newspaper article expl;ained it best and we all had a good laugh at work-- men are far more likely to mistake friendliness for attraction. (and after that first civil smile-whoah watch out!) The must make it hard for all the normals-having all the girls on total defense. But I've found a commonality. Drugs. Alcohol. Porn. Born Again (and again and again). It must be a big city thing-which is why I like where I work, the company is no drugs no alcohol so even though all the people at my leased labor force employment level (most) are say heroin addicts or level 3's or homeless or just out of jail or (on and on); the actual people I work to please are not. They're pretty fucking cool. :-) jUNE 21-23-- was asked to empty the lower hold(maintenence gear, ect)-*(oh my god, your kidding me...) . got pulled out fast because what was formerly a disgusting odor had multiplyed. --no really-person-who-handles-financial tasks. I believe the words were 'oh my fucking god ron my eyes!". 'come out' 'no...it's ok...I can handle it for a minute.' (just long enough.....to cross the room and grab that....ladder..I DONT WANT to come out. I WANT to finish the project (just dont walk away and come in after me if I stop talking)" 'come out'- A still man reaches for his worn leather belt... FUCK!!!!!. denied. 'put a fan on it for 30 minutes' 'ok...I'll get right on that' (but that shit aint clearing) how does he do that... we put a ventilation on it-it didn't clear. next day, kevins (assits engin) right eye is swollen and red. he asks about the hold-and I jump in about blindness and lung spazms, sharing my experience of the former day with someone I wouldnt want to have to live a season with the problem. (ie-fucking A-no it really got worse-whats wrong with these people., Im not feinging sensitivity). I think though I missed the po9int. The upper hatch is remeoved. The room is clear (er). I like Kevin. My eyes and lungs are fine. ---today. I have ungodly strong eyes, pain desensication, heal fast and am photosensitive anyway. in other words-no sweat. ok-im sick to my stomach, my eyes are throbbing. but no damage-the lung stabs stopped later that day--which was my only holy fuck moment.. problem is that people who have been in once assumbe the people that are actually going in are just complaining--but these one timers dont want to go in again and see for themselves. Regardless-it got worse somewhere from dry dock to home and needed to be fixed before leaving.. and I worked it in dry dock for full days-and an average person would have had headaches and nasia--and I worked it here and it was a whole different story. I actually think they have more than one leak, because where they are saying the leak was... was one of the more bearable areas of the hold. and a headache. rolled back bowfin, helped out sal in engine room, watched crew fail their emergency overboard procedure. we usually watch the coast guard pass by all day long-and the tugs, bardges-full of wood chips, scrap cars, or towing logs, and sometimes, what seems to be the citys one police boat; a well appreciated beauty, that when passes appears to scream-contact your local officials we need 2 more. Then sheriff came by with a boat. Then three. Then training off the aft with both departments--man that was cool. I assumed training-everybody else thought they were looking for something dead in the propeller (or smth)-later ron said they were training. It was a great treat. (to see). I live in a 50/50 region. It seems some faction is always fighting against the-right-thing-to-do which makes things move SLOW, for say, the city, the community, the police, -with the connected county sheriff ignoring the battle and always somehow winning and appearing and being top of thier game. Recently, however, some great changes must have happened as the police moved out of their 'private' 4th story 'floor' to their own great big building-but in addition, I've seen a series of outlet buildings-cop shops-for the people, it looks like. And I'm thinking, ok..this seems more normal and cool and prideful and safe for EVERY BODY. Viligance. Reliance. I didn't catch the others. I just think they should be well paid. they should be well rested. and if they're tired it is because you (the administration) are training the fuck out of them. rons (or bill, or bill...) keeping me in work another week. Bowfin is out tuesday, and with it a great group of guys; and old gaffer 'unky' steve and I are off to join maintenance on the rarely seen bountiful. June 19 n 20- Fixed Chris-twice. Got him to walk. he danced the next day. but he didn't do like I said. Got him to walk again. I know-leave it to the professionals. I have a skill, sometimes I have to use it. Its a good simple thing to just rub a friends injury for a minute. or an hour. or two if that is what it takes. And drinking Elasti-Joint and Water. Why don't you be a massage therapist?... I don't like to touch people-or to be touched. I don't like to touch people with gross feeling energy. when you work with the for the public..e.ct. How do you know right where to go-do you feel that? Yes. I feels like pain and looks like red surrounded by green--but no, I don't 'feel' it like normal. Is that ok(with your ethical system)?--I do (actually)feel something over here and it's kind of pissing me off--may I work on it? Meanwhile... my teacher took my shoulder out of pain with a TWACK! His sister fixed it last time with some repetitive ridge/backfists. It's good to be out of pain. just a side effect taht, get thrown to the ground-have a readjustment; what a concept. :-). happens all the time-its why I work so hard. neither of them knew outright; well I think he did. VERY neat people. They dont always know however. Sometimes they misidentify. So far, they have always caught on within a few days or weeks. I am trying very hard to help them help me learn through my differences--and their stellar at it, with some bumps in the road. That's why, after yesterdays misidentifying I trained today with my bad eye closed- And didn't kneed to look away to avoid distortion. What else self: Dream- Black Joe the welder-myself, and a bunch of people in a building meant for something. A woman/girl announced "I'm leaving!" and Joe was relieved-though I dont know why. As she departed she looked me square in the face and as if it was her one message to the world curdled "The United Methodist Church!!" (as if this was the answer to her percieved question of the universe) In a partial second dream, a voice, sounding somewhat like Cook/Chef Bobby of the Bowfin but not, states "When I first met the guy I was like whaoahah..this guys...in..the..cleaning..buisness." I woke thinking of my eldest b brother, 14, standing in the living room in soviet gear. June 18- spent thur and fri watching my spot on the wall while peripherally pre-juggling parakeetas in preparation of clubs. (small crescent wrenches)-today I made a 7 round rotation with apples.---stunned. why? no fucking clue, just seemed like a novel idea at the time in preparation of self defense class. I've spent the last 10 years trying to get past one rotation. the pie is scratched--took all afternoon to make dinner a cake and and apple rind soak. k now this is funny--sure(certain) Im learning to cook now I emptyed out the spice cupboard, you know, that one that hides above the stove out of reach..; and when I fiished emptying the spice containers from what they were sitting in I realized taht what I held in my hand was a glass pie cooking pot. 3 years old. no Im not making a full crust-- but I will try my hand at another pie. oh. now I think I am going to fill taht cupbord up with cookbooks..nah.. home remedi mixtures when I get to it. again, bris herbology inspired alot. my step mom, again, natural; asiatic. as my biologiy teachers hubby/my old bosses herb friend once said--3,000 years cant be wrong. boil water. Its kinda traitorous to be a washingtonian who places greater value to blueberrys; cherries; peaches; that red fruit I dont know the name of..and all these apples I bought intending to eat--there apples are hard ya know; not fun eating at all. ooohy with pinapple!.--who the fuck cooks? not me. not fox. must be someone else. someday I will say I cook-but not today. this is divinely inspired. cause I dont cook. my soup sat on the counter 2 weeks uneaten. I know its just read; put stuff together; add heat. I guess its like A science D math. stupified math curtousy of an ed system not trusting its members with the purpose of formulas. I can read mac and cheese boxes is all. I cant even THINK of anybody else I know who cooks; except bri-and shes in reno. I'm sitting with this shop wise 'the lost' picture in front of me--has always looked just like my neighbor to me...but I dont trust it. now...how to peel an apple. Now for the famed 'apple pie' apples-check cinamon-check pie crust thingy-check brown shurgar-check lemon juice....uh no lime juice :-) sugar-of course. the rest.... I'll wing it--thank god for the internet. Days plans--cake; apple pie fiasco (unpracticed at food assembly); shoe shopping for Fox; grocerie shopping; housecleaning and office organization--I dig it. I wonder what Bris doing for Fred. Oh ic--9:30 got (recieved) my curse--wonder if they'll take that shit out NOW or if I'll have to wait to develop cancer. This weeks music: *Russia: The rought guide to the music of, emerging sounds: bards and balalaikas. *Warsaw Villiage Band 'Uprooting' *Jethro Tull "The very Best of"--this one survived me my year 1986 ***Alla Pugacheva "Lubasha"--wow =*Yiddish Children Songs "Sing me a Melody" 'The best of 78 records' To my B father " What happenedt? To my A father " Im not going to call my A father. This is his day-I will leave him alone. But--he liked the mens warehouse package last time: its the only time I got something right. And will do it again. I did cuplinks, ties, and socks. He always wore black socks...and had to wear ties for that job he complained of...and I know he hates to address such things@shop. I carded him--not enough. To my Step father " My apologees to the Indian, Canadian, and United States governments. You were a sick and dangerous bastard with a soul of coal disgused under the purity of Allah. You took from me every loved thing I had. But you did teach me a great many bits of things--and I cant deny my gratitude, or disacknoledge that I perhaps, after my B brother, learned/applyed the most 'From You'. You taught me the body can survive without food, pending an adjustment of the thoughts. You taught me to deal with blood and loss and carcass. You taught me the importance of equipment sterilization and systematic sanitation. You taught me that people are trusting and never notice when they are being generally screwed or by whom or for what reason; and by this you taught me to identify when, where, how, and why/for what intention. You taught me to resesitate, restrain, and manipulate mammals. You taught me the importance of accurace dosage--when you tried to teach me to cut costs. You taught me the fallacy of the airlines and of borders. In other words, you taught me the obvious--United States security, unlike everywhere else in the world is INSANE. You taught me the actual car lane borders are well well covered-which unfortunately taught me the rest cannot possibly be and that change is in order. You taught me to combat you at the uprising-and how. You taught me that no amount of pain suffers the soul, you gave me much of it, yet my origional understandings have not changed. fancy that. You taught me that even 'untouchables' have a place on the prayer mat; and by that you taught me your fallacy and fraud. I tire of thinking of you. ah. you taught me the power of management by attempting to teach me the enslavement of spirits of desired attributed entities. In other words, you taught me those who willingly serve are those who are loved. I believed the other to be an impossiblility. what did you do to my dog? was he soup? strong dog, no? (delete that) You taught me that some cultures meet total strangers and call them friend-as a rule, based upon a pre-determined factor. I chose instead to base my meetings on their merit-so in a way YOU taught me this. to be contin. You should recieve the nobel prize in child rearing-however, I would prefer to see your headstone someday so I may know you are over. And-you can't have my country. You were all pretty stupid--intelligent-but stupid. You could hypothetically cause great loss of life-but you would never get the country. It would instead just be open season. Do you still entertain this tragectory? and was treated like an imposter. I mean OMG if I would have known THAT I would have kept my mouth shut--limped around, made an appointment, called in sick or something to cover it. Whats a girl to do? You (I) sit there and go (thinks to myself) "Huh.,.how perplexing, how embarrassing that I didn't know in the first place these rules are transparant--" ) People trip over themselves to twart false claims and protect the company by attacking honest people--because all the cocksuckers have slipped through. Now adays, when Im not sure what 'report all injuries no matter how small' means...I think about it longer. Ron, I got a paper cut. (I have NO IDEA why today is L n I bitch day.) And the chiropractor-10 soem odd years later, -did the same thing. which has left me with natural paths--ONLY. All I did was ask a question or make a comment and you can just watch this guy jumping on the 'protect the aggressor' bandwagon. Dude. I beat my boyfriend wrestling and when I did and we were finished he got pissed, came up from behind, and pile drived me-damaging all the bones in my neck. "oh no..your wrong...these sort of things happen as the result of an earlier experience-- Will we go to the gravesite?- no. We can thank him from here. However, if fox asks I will take him. I can thank(honor/acknowledge) him from here. I dont need to visit his burnt corpse in a box in a barren landscape. For the protection of his family members. Chris has asked me "to" barbeq. (asked me over for his cooking). I'm not going. Last day off--too much to do. Besides. I asked him friday if he would like to and he said no, too much to do. So I made plans. Then he makes plans for us. Were on a different page all the time. It's because your an alcohlic you know. I wish I could tell him, but knowing in advance he is waiting to lash out and intending me his vessel, I will just let this one simmer and burn itself out. Maybe work somewhere else. Seemed like such a nice kid, chris. dirty little after hours secret. Im mildly pissed at an old flyby boss today over the back--While recognizing that I caused the injury myself by my lifestyle choices-16hrs a day-the kennels and the resturant, second or thrid trimester pregnancy, and... him every night (not to mention the pre-adoptive thing) ; I DIDN'T claim L n I but was treated like I was. If I had known what it (L n I) was, I still wouldn't have claimed, because I can see (rationalize) that that system was intended for a particular reason-injuries due to management failure; a check system used to insure people..have a chance in hell of going home that day foot and fingers intact. -but I was treated like I was.-just because I told her at the time it occurred. I mean, I was supposed to tell her...right? The fucking sign says.. tell her. In my very worst pain I overcame my stubborness and looked to the rules for guidance-- car accidents and such" Fucker..,.is the point to know what happened or not? "well, did you get in any car accidents?" yah a few. I was in the back seat when we kissed a telephone pole head on---thought I broke my legs. and... he plowed us into a couple of parked cars while I was driveing HIM because he was drunk...and..I know (I think) there is another...oh yeah (I remembered), I backed into a stone parking lot light assembly.. But all of these are secondary (cept the telephone pole) to my nature in childhood--jumping off off 2 story roofs-flying over handle bars, nails through the foot, ect. I think ( I know) I only fell out of a tree once.* To disprove you claim I will give you all the evidence against me. Belive me, when somebody pile drives you unsuspecting---and your neck nearly breaks, and the pain never leaves, and youve had a fucking ungodly strong neck ever since before that moment, especially because you made it that strong on purpose because you know in advance how the windpipe crackles (its a little like the meat in bamboo---when you take and twist the hands opposite each other) when it is being crushed and dont want to go through THAT again--you pretty well know that is where the injury stemmed from--but if you (doctor)want to make up stories-go ahead. I was just looking for a ""oh man that sucks! (that must have been tramatic) and maybe a better informed doctor to treat the injury specifically. (the cause dictates the treatment--no? I mean if the point is to treat the injury doesnt knowledge of the the actual cause help--) you people live in the twilight zone. But having people say and/or do weird things because you go to the appropriate place to get a pain ceased---inexcusable. so he ignored the piledrive-went with his you were in a car accident fantasy and treated me for arthritis. polish doctor please (I would take a a polish doctor any day over these crack heads) not that I would ever be so lucky......twice. when you take and twist the hands opposite each other) when it is being crushed and dont want to go through THAT again--you pretty well know that is where the injury stemmed from--but if you (doctor)want to make up stories-go ahead. I was just looking for a ""oh man that sucks! (that must have been tramatic) and maybe a better informed doctor to treat the injury specifically. (the cause dictates the treatment--no? I mean if the point is to treat the injury doesnt knowledge of the the actual cause help--) you people live in the twilight zone. But having people say and/or do weird things because you go to the appropriate place to get a pain ceased---inexcusable. so he ignored the piledrive-went with his you were in a car accident fantasy and treated me for arthritis. polish doctor please (I would take a a polish doctor any day over these crack heads) not that I would ever be so lucky......twice. june 14th or 15th or whatever this is. fisished aft hydralics-primo did that is--mostly I watched. This is fucking bitchen; a sibling told me a version of this one. "A girl, bantering, running away from a boy announces a series of incarnations: she will become a fish, he will catch her in his nets, she will become a pigeon, he will bring the bird out of the sky with his sword, she will become a star, he will become the moon and he will encompass her with his glow. All her efforts are worthless as the young boy is already waiting at her doorstep and their relationship will be finalized" :-) it creates a 'nuh uh, I'll become this....and he wont catch me" game whereas the other person says, uh huh, and creates the appropriate senario. logic game. todays music: Tull. June 13. worked-hydraulics. class. Kaichos "no dai". June 10-12 finsihed up lighting plates. Learned a bunch of spanish polaka. (.) quarta roosia quarta es spainia media engliterra. Primo thinks Im portarician. Sal, jose, and san juan thinks Im spanish. Lee and chin thinks Im british--or at least canadian or swedish. consensus of my foriengn friends..... da. no shit. 1976-menyozovoot rosalieyeh Annnah marieh zelinkskii/stiller 04/04/71, warsaw--- june 14th or 15th or whatever this is. fisished aft hydralics-primo did that is--mostly I watched. This is fucking bitchen; a sibling told me a version of this one. "A girl, bantering, running away from a boy announces a series of incarnations: she will become a fish, he will catch her in his nets, she will become a pigeon, he will bring the bird out of the sky with his sword, she will become a star, he will become the moon and he will encompass her with his glow. All her efforts are worthless as the young boy is already waiting at her doorstep and their relationship will be finalized" :-) it creates a 'nuh uh, I'll become this....and he wont catch me" game whereas the other person says, uh huh, and creates the appropriate senario. logic game. todays music: Tull. June 13. worked-hydraulics. class. Kaichos "no dai". June 10-12 finsihed up lighting plates. Learned a bunch of spanish polaka. (.) quarta roosia quarta es spainia media engliterra. Primo thinks Im portarician. Sal, jose, and san juan thinks Im spanish. Lee and chin thinks Im british--or at least canadian or swedish. consensus of my foriengn friends..... da. no shit. 1976-menyozovoot rosalieyeh Annnah marieh zelinkskii/stiller 04/04/71, warsaw---london--ukraine--moscow---vladivostok--jeruselum--s.florida--georgia--dc--new york--dc--vegas--Amber Morgan 2/25/74. (.) rahspahneyeh rahspahneyeh raspanehyeh Ugly Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love. The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. His tail has long since been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby striped-type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one ugly cat!" All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find. One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging car accidents and such" Fucker..,.is the point to know what happened or not? "well, did you get in any car accidents?" yah a few. I was in the back seat when we kissed a telephone pole head on---thought I broke my legs. and... he plowed us into a couple of parked cars while I was driveing HIM because he was drunk...and..I know (I think) there is another...oh yeah (I remembered), I backed into a stone parking lot light assembly.. But all of these are secondary (cept the telephone pole) to my nature in childhood--jumping off off 2 story roofs-flying over handle bars, nails through the foot, ect. I think ( I know) I only fell out of a tree once.* To disprove you claim I will give you all the evidence against me. Belive me, when somebody pile drives you unsuspecting---and your neck nearly breaks, and the pain never leaves, and youve had a fucking ungodly strong neck ever since before that moment, especially because you made it that strong on purpose because you know in advance how the windpipe crackles (its a little like the meat in bamboo---london--ukraine--moscow---vladivostok--jeruselum--s.florida--georgia--dc--new york--dc--vegas--Amber Morgan 2/25/74. (.) rahspahneyeh rahspahneyeh raspanehyeh Ugly Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love. The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. His tail has long since been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby striped-type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one ugly cat!" All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find. One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear- Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled-scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion. At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain. Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for. Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, or beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be "Ugly". Author Unknown Sun June 11- made scratch soup, housework, gardening, auto body bondo, sand, prime-musta picked that up on the boats--sure....I ...uh....only watch the fires, not prep places to avoid them.. Looking at it, I'm not going into auto body-though its an improvement. mixed foy an anti-spazm noxema/red pepper back cream-he wont take it; mean while he's crawling-but I hope he pulls his head out of his ass.. I love this shit. pizza peppers. bowfin I think. maybe I will swap temp services for awhile. not planning on it-but; geesh--*&^$%$@ planned thurs sa at the hospital. I hope it works. I dont know how to fix wiring that old. Accupuncture? June 9-10 06. Rolling back the A-Enterprise Sam pulls me back to the Bowfin, back from dry dock. He wants to keep me working. That's what he says. But I'm glad to be back working with Primo. He was my first welder. Were back to work on the lights in 2 of the 4 freezer caves. The smell of amonia is strong but less-our ventilation good. Will they find the leak? I hope so just having walked through a cloud of it on the A-Enterprise while some tank work was being done. It really does go strait for the eyes and is an interesting sensation. smells like piss.. A weekend off. took Fox to Borders so he could get Icelandic ambient music.. He showed me how to have a cd player in the car. I dropped his player-and bought it. napped. dreampt. wrote tpd while thinking of pcs. attended the fire v police basketball game thursday. I was supposed to film the demo team which is the only reason I was there, feeling like I dont belong at them, though they are the ONLY ones I've ever interest to attend. Unless they come out with, I dont know, constuction worker v flagger games, or bank ceo v teller games. you know--purposeful things.-kaicho forgot the camera. I was the only one who stayed for the entire game, being so happy to just see the ball and be at a game where I knew the scoring system, but feeling really great about who was playing. police won by round about 10. I donated 50 bucks to the organization who put on the benifit. They were surprised-I was surprised there wasn't a jar. June 4-8 06 finished up on the indy ice maker cage-was stolen to the A-5 for priming. someone joked to steve that I didn't want to paint for him and I was wisked away from the gang plank by safety bill to the A-enterprise for broiler work. 'uncle' ron gave me a task that made prior training come together. start to finsh I completed a task that involved agility, height, a come-a-long, the danger of fucking up, a problem that involved seeking another to bring me new parts, some ingenuity, ambedexitry, and some 'off-hand' tools. his own kids are said to be all fucked up. I 'dont understand" it. I think it is the same as why my father, master at his skill and with students below him, can not take me as student; to the point where I have to go out and find teachers of my own, or stumble on them-and vice versa-but I've always regreted and resented this block from dad--'I mean'-what about me? I think I look to much like his porn star honestly and he's doing the best he can from a distance. back to part time boss man-the funny part (blonde yeah) was, on closer inspection, there wasn't REALLY any danger to a possible fuck up-there was but it was only visual and would have been a bitch to remedy and an embarrassment-I mean, I dropped the hatch into the tank and had to swim in and get it out--no.. as to heights-he KNOWS I'm a freakish strong situationally aware spider who THRIVES in such places.-and he does that for me; makes me feel parented, not whipped-grown.. neat guy-fucked up kids?--I don't believe it. Other than that-the break up with my brother is going well. I require sobriety-he requires something-someone else I guess. I can't function with jekel and hyde. twice. It's good for him that he has monitored himself to only have a few per day at the bar before the six pack at home. but this puts me in a strange position. not to mention he never lets his brain gain/build up any database of experience. I'm a few time per year party girl. only. I LIKE my natural state. It's tragic. I couldn't tell he had a problem. mAY 27-JUNE 3RD FIREWATCH for sam, jim, joe. bowfiN, INDY, INDY. lights, Hooks, D-RINGS, HEater haNGER, AMONIA SMELLS like PISS. RECIEVED AMONIA TRAINING. IE-RUN. blast freezer bars, ice maker protective cage, ROLL BACK. GALVANIZE, PORTABAN, SQUARE, RADIUS. joe didn't sHOw up today. fOR AWHIle... I was temporarily dubbed pipe fitter-hOORAY. Moved ChRis Attended function-Got certificate FOR VOLUNTEERING-wow! (THey thiNK OF everythiNG) M/S Indy sails tommorrow. COFFE AND KEYBOARD. very cool. someone painted over the recent 4 party graffity war nearby--and life is good. I was issued my chucks today and my bo a couple weeks back. the chucks were so pretty my jaw dropped. both are being personalized. training toys, you know, just training toys to help me think about internal development. sam the ever observant veteran. "I see you spent alot of time working in the hospitals...' "yeah, I wrapped ALOT of legs..." "yeah?" frown. "yeah. we went though alot of cats and dogs...which sucked because, you know, I'm an animal person...I was like the fricken chaplin...and coroner, but I can sure wrap and tie down and restrain" strange conversation... later, annoying new street person guy...while sewing, "so ... you planning to stitch someone up?" ....'no...I can't stand to stitch flesh man...I can stop the bleeding and wrap you up...but I can't stitch a wound...your gonna have to stitch your own self...well maybe with a drink I can stitch a wound-but I wont like it" get off me new guy, I've been working since I was 6. he cant get over himself. and wont shut up. and wants his hands and mouth in what everybody else is doing and how it should be done-and doesnt even do Those things right. Not wrong, just as minimal as possible. such a small thing to clear an area so the welder doesnt go blind from falling debri-but no. I went back down and fixed THAT mess myself. I cant bear people who preach to do less that the minimum requirement. I'm going to ask him to sign over his paycheck next time he asks for my legs to do his business-going for tools ect. see how he likes that. Instead of just doing a good job, he wants people to vocally hear what a good job he is doing. but sam chose him for crew so I gotta know that there is something extrodinary about him other than tenor and workability. I'm pretty sure I'll have a second heart attack within the next 5 years. I'm going to try and pre correct this naturally. The fireman was like-arent you a little young for hypertension? I was like-what the fuck is hypertension? May 18th -22nd. shit...now I remember why that kid looked familiar-he's an officer in rotc-I think that he's the same kid.. He rear ended the man behind us at the turn yesterday with the trunk of his vw bug. I came back over to offer the guy a witness, it was right off my porch. He was grateful and I didn't know that...well I saw it and didn't want anybody screwed. The towering cop was professional. The young man got a 'big daddy' talk about following too close and a ticket. I got a 'you look familiar' (I look like everyones porn star)-I explained that I don't get into any trouble but 'look familiar' to alot of people, which bothers me. He was cool about it. I hope he is a town choice. Everyone involved got along and was concerned about each other. We all live a few blocks from one another. the kid was shooken up. I'm pretty sure it was the baby seat in the car he hit. Ironically, the baby had opted to ride with mama a few minutes earlier. the owner was grateful to be rear eneded with a trunk. Spent an extra but brief shift on the shit hole "mama", owned by a corporation leasing temporary docking while they seal up the piece of shit and float the bitch to india. Now my welder is being borrowed over there, and I am going to the independance I think, to work with my boss. one of them. fine. I don't want to step on that bitch shithole again. I was like 'dude, the foam needs to go" some piece of shit (not ours) welder was like....wuh wuh wuh why?? and the owner of this other company is like a fire chief-hell--O. cause that's the rules.... oh dont worry he says, coast gaurd already boarded and gave us a shitload of fines. FUCKING ASSHOLEs. We rolled back the seattle and she is shipping out. she is the best ship, best crew, strongest sailors, best meals, coolest engineering staff, most taken care of. even the processors are lively and nice. I've been prompted by ron to push bill for forklift class. May 15th-17 th. Chief, a new one, says something about my strenght and work pace. I notice that he sneaks around and acts curious, so I explain how I grew up, why I define, and how long I have worked and in what capacities. Turns out he spent alot of time in martial arts. hot and sweaty day. One more week maybe and the season is up-at least for me. I maybe could use a break to go somewhere else for awhile-but bill has mentioned keeping me around. I'll see when I see. ItIt's not funny how 'over protective', jealousy, and mis communication sneak in to intimate relationships-I mean, what's the friggen point? May 13th and 14th. The Screaming of the Crabs and Mothers Day Sal caught me some crabs-oh me gosh. I ran out and bought pots and made my first kill. I got alot of information from everyone over the past few days on how to...you know cook the little bastards. le says to make sure their alive by sticking my fingers in their pinchers (he's an asshole) and to not look or think, just take the crab drop it in the pot wait 10 min and eat the crab-no thinking-all very matter of factly in fucked up esl dockworker asian. (cause I was like....will they...s.cream?---sorta). ron says to make sure thier alive before cooking or else a toxin is released that causes sickness and to wait for some brain to cook out. then my other friend invited everyone to the knowledge of the 2 times I near killed myself by not following seafood directions. sal says make sure they cook to bright red. they all survived the trip. Im not sure if I can get past eating them. but I know I'll try a little. I like crab, I just dont understand all that start to finish bullshit. catch kill eat (not equal) drive buy consume. It was the days excitment. Will I get a crab. I was most interested by watching him drop and pull the nets and the baiting technique. cool stuff. sam says saturday that, back in the day they used to wrap their water bottles in rope while they worked in the fields-this keeps the water cold. I had wrapped my bottle in rope last week because it looked 'dock-like' and cool and I was bored waiting on my welder--working in the sun saturday I realized; the shit works. A male friend took me through a wonderful day of beaches and trees. We didn't go out for mother's day we had just planned to spend time together but in his own very unique and beautiful way he MADE me take a mother's day by just wishing me one every so often, which, because he never had a mom or a dad hit me very softly. Because I didn't much have one either-and have NEVER understood mothers day-until today. . friends of ours joke that we are siblings and the truth is we are from around the same desert, his mom and my dad both promiscuous that year...we have the same teeth and ass... but I maintain I am adopted. funny though. May 12th. first fight with my friend-we got alot out. It wasn't really a fight-it was a disturbance in the rift...of things. when we figured out what had happened we were both very grateful to be on the other side of it.10 days or six months or somewhere in between, depending on how you look at it. we had our first 'date' 10 days ago. work. home. bbq. derek went to help out with 'operation' hands on'-I love that they give them this experience to grow into...who they are gonna be ; a neccessities operation run by master seageant and the rotc team for needy families, hurricane katrina, ect. he didn't come back for awhile so I biked down and helped out. ooop. he's home. make sure he eats and start again tommorrow. Sunday May 07 2006. woke up. slept some more. breakfast. laundry. allowed someone who is sweet on me to 'see' where I live. I didn't want him to worry. lunch. movie. fish shopping. It's sad. His fish died, one of them. We both suffer that brief trauma. It turns out, he let me pick the replacement to keep his other one happy-and for the kind of people we are, all picky and shit, that was amazing. I picked one with similar tail movement/assembly. The fish he has now has alot of fin that she plays with. and the one that died was just a simply plain gold fish. So of the varieties we were picking from, I chose this calm but frisky but attentive but not annoying flowing tailed gold fish about the size of the one that died. Its just how it worked out. Damn fish stayed glued through the glass to my finger the whole time we waited for the attendant. My friend says new fish always get picked on by the larger one. But not here. She likes him. He swam in and started kissing her. Smart fish. Now my friend has to look for a new apartment. He's got the most astecically beautiful place...which they want to turn to condos. Thought it was a perfect weekend. Saturday May 06 2006-date. winding down from a long week my friend and I watched a movie which we both fell asleep to. skip dinner. Friday May 05. 2006 worked. date-pork chops Thursday May o4, 2006 It never happened...work. home. sleep.-'probably' Wedsnday May 03, 2006. work. 2 class-Beth. date again-pizza Tuesday May 02, 2006. woke up. worked. date-chicken. Monday May 01, 2006. woke up. ran. worked. class-Lyle. shopped. June May April |