| July 1 06- other train: I guess my point is that there is no way in hell chris is going to get me up to the mountains. I mean c'mon. 20 drunk strangers 35 miles past the nearest cell or power pole. he goes up and what does he fucking do? slips and breaks a rib. what fun is there in the woods with people who as a habit retard their 'judgement'? no way. not going. it just doesnt sound all that great. July 2 06-- Fox took me for a bike ride to Titlow trails. I thought we passed Kam who was sitting in a wooded grove at a picnic table alone with a few small white shopping bags laid out upon the table. It just looked and felt like him; a look a like strong enough to give me 'oh shit'--cept for he was shaven bald and wasn't wearing glasses. Those eyes. I looked away and kept on. shivers. I made a point to let Fox know again--that he better damn well not go into those trails alone. I think they've only had 2 women killed or found there over the years-but were WA's #1 ped city; the only place that will take em due to special interest groups, private funds.. This has never really been a region safe for wandering. and 15 year old boys are no exception. we watched the boats who are out and drawn to the new bridge build, and the kids and dogs and familys. then swam. I guess it was a good day. Next week he is on roof guard for the senator for the rotc. :-) and he's happy to have a job with a little bit of breathing room. June 3rd. Someone said it in a way that made me feel better. 4th of july is for celebrating the freedoms we have. cool. well...what is the 4th anyways? maybe I get independance day mixed up with the 4th of july. but were it way back then I would side with the mother country. so I'm not thrilled that we, you know, broke off with England. But it didn't concern me anyways. And I'm glad we have what we do. Who will catch what on fire this year. Last year it was the holly (massive) bush. We have more party people here this year. I designate myself to take the extinguisher out to the crowd. Its what little I can do. I really dont like fireworks anymore. mostly, I dont like people WITH fireworks. ... chuckles. ok--so they're the same day. where I do not honestly CELEBRATE the break with England I do HONESTLY celebrate the freedoms which I have. I dont think the two particularly relate however. The British people do not appear to be 'enslaved'. It's not China~and that's a GOOD THING. So~HAPPY 4TH! I am grateful that I can think and believe what is within me. I am grateful to have wedding and child bearing choices that are not pre-arranged. I am grateful to choose both my living and my burial spots (relatively). I am grateful for freedom of knowledge pursuits. Yeah. I'm digging on freedom. Jimmy HAS behaviorly changed alot since the last couple of months. For about a month now, not even a hint. And its a major change. Then its rumored he has a girlfriend-but hes not volunteering anything--just acting--wholly wholesome and on the ball,, in a maintaining way. The other day I ask about his weekend and he gets all bright and starts talking about 'we' (he and another). 'I just finished working on the bathroom. We have a split level house' How he's working on the bathroom. I dig for more about what he is saying, cause I like to see happy people talk about themselves. And he explains home project after home project finalizing with the sublevel renovation---of his wedding room. Im happy for him--he can stay this way :-). I dont think much about who the girl is or if it will work out. The change is genuine. (so it had better work out) :-) Rather, I'm not looking forward to it not working out. No. Jimmy doesn't do drugs. ...Anymore.. he just had a long memory and action line of them..and muscle memory of related behaviors. certain behaviors are/were related to the other, and made him HAPPY/FEEL GOOD--at others expense. there was my bitch. but those are becoming rarer and rarer. I told my bosses that he was fine 'when supervised' I told them in front of him. and I meant it. he is playing fine while not supervised. and now I can look up to him-like the others. I wanted him to know that that is the rock on wealth of that type of management. the other...and jesus theroy werent cohesive. now Im not being used as another target, but as another tool that shines upon him. (ie give and take take and give or just take and take--management theroy) and he's shining on me--and my forward momentum for work is safe. But I do speak (well I dont speak them) passing thoughts. He wants this good life. I think others are more deserving in the big way of things but somebody else thought he was so I bend to that and see what happens. Today he seems completly and totally reproggramed and a good essence to be around. --but the phenomenon IS interesting to watch. and good for him. No. I still wouldn't date him. And I happen to like ugly guys. I couldnt date someone who would have been like that in the first place. he raped women-he practically told me-but I could FEEL that he did- which means nothing but to me. he broke bodies and tomented--he did tell me. he 'eluded' to murder and I didn't want to know more and he wasnt going to tell me, just he was trying to give me a perspective on his growth--and eluding means nothing-but to me. but someone changed that around and thumbs up. he can joke about making front page in my county and thats pretty funny. Whats scarry is taht something could happen to him and he can just 'REVERT'. I stay away from close ties with people because they always want to TELL ME. Such a speaking country. rather than hold them all in. The problem (gift) with me is that, and in one form or another is eluded to being explained by fbi interrogation/interview studies, is that in too close a proximity with someone who is on a substance--I will FEEL it in a way. A few too many times while taking others to work. It's a disorientation. Leaving me extra careful wondering who the fuck is on crack/alcohol/whatever and knowing the likely source. so I dont drive people anymore. also becasue they suck. but I want to read more about the phenomenon. In class, it is under matching and mirroring and involves *Ithink neuropeptides and the elbows. In nature, and this is a weak grab, it concerns phermones and.... er... and bio-messaging. It's all biological to me--I just want more. I'm going to make a page of references for easy access. Oh-and good news only for me. I did find a reference who I can quietly and safely ask. because their journey has been somewhat similar and they've mastered it, and they dont have any hang ups in other areas of their lives. right now I am having an anxiety that the space shuttle is going to blow up. not because I think it will-but just a natural fear based on the former tragedies. when I was a kid they really built up having the woman on board to the point of absurdity--then we were all directed to watch and they blew up. and in 2003 or 2 or whatever on decent and I was dreaming this one and didnt even know a shuttle was coming in; got the news some hours later--they blew up. so now they're televising ms so and so and her kids and ms so and so and her accomplishments and Im getting that once bitten twice shy please dont blow up.. can you imagine how they and their family feels? I just think nasa should be more private. afternoon: shit shit shit. fuck you north korea. too bad no FREEDOM to ASSASSINATE, eh??? American Public Opinion: Assasinate the N. Korean leader. and dont say I never had an opinion. North Korean, "Oh nooo...you are wrong....we were just celebrating WITH you" :-) last year or before I heard we were a target--here our region-media and all that. but if NK can't even get it over japan, I hypothesize we'll be seeing a bunch dropping in the water off shore for awhile before that happens--unless these 'experts' dont stop talking about the specifics and brainwork that actually go into successful launches--like they are .... for instance...Newsperson 'Expert' "well...they'll never make it if they dont A. B. C.....so we should be ok" Grrrreaaat....so you just gave stupid A. B. and C. I'm certain the american people are very grateful for your sharing of knowledge. fucker. July 7 06 so whats new. Im learning more about biker clubs than I had wanted to. And I had a facinating dream that leaves me wishing I had comedic skill referrubg ti a 4 (or so.....stomp stomp stomp) year old trying to report murder and cops and every single person taht matters, batting her away not wanting to take the reprot.. MENCIA!!! tgif. welding flu should be gone by monday. fucking fiberglass. oh. I also had an ending dream revelation about the sheer mountains one has to climb to get someone to listen to a thing. I mean if they do what they can to not hear you than they can not actually listen and can rationalize that since YOU didnt get the message across.... incredible place. All these people making all these wages for looking away from the issues they swear to address. now that I am well humored-off to work, where I will actually make sure fires dont start--because that is my job. what else. an apartment complex nearby caught fire and all the people are at the high school. its the second time its burned. with a new manager. this one happened on my sister's birthday. she caught a mattress on the side of the hourse in ca on fire once; borrowed the lighter from me, then tried to make like I had done it by careless smoking. that one should have filed an ap before having kids. she also was up living in those apartments some years back. news on the apt fire-according to the news the woman who perished perished in advance and the fire started at her place. rons back. I told guy to hire fred-and he did. lu blu fishy. bye fishy. best fish I ever had. fishy. July 8 06 I felt like my fish wouldnt let me bury him until his/her replacement was secure. I went in the market for my favorite-sucker fish. And found him-Angelo. But I also found a super sucker the size of my forearm--omg. he didn't come home-tank too small, animal cruelty and all that. and I let the clerk know-THAT ONE. but clerks get attached to their fish too and I made the chance of death clear. but it has me still progressing with understanding--fish and stuff. my first actual not-a-carnival fish came home with angelo. the store clerk had a lot of say in the decision. I had wanted these snake like/eel like fish--but the clerk understood I was sensitive and so instead of a carnivore I got something that will live in dirty water/light oxygen/come and go feeding--stupid-girl-with-tank. He's a black bubble eye. Angelo is already showing signs of personality. I couldnt find him in the tank this morning and panicked. But he was down in the ridge of the floor plate-right where I found fishy dead. fishy was buryed in the planter with some beer beneath a pretty blue plant I had grabbed absent mindedly on the way home from work. I think the big black is named Fishy too. nothing else is coming to mind. the other last 2 years longer than any other 'fighter' I've ever had. And after I had friends in the tank I felt it was alright to bury him- My real prize though-Angelo sucker fish. Some people dont see weeds as flowers. Unfortunately, as I pulled in from the pet store, the ambulance was leaving. Our landlady is ill from flu. At work, Victor, the chief welder (sniff) and big ol bear of a guy extrodinare, spent his last day--home to nebraska and his daughters. I signed his card, "Bye Hottie-Morgan #1" (may your journey be safe, beautiful and filled with all the soulfullness of an awakening world). He's spoken all of 10 words to me over this year. He squeezed my hand extra strong bent a little with questioning and affirming and approving look.."My daughter just bought a 4 year old Morgan...". Real good horses sir...(especially when mixed with a little quarter endurance) He trained every welder in the place. And was a schools metal shop teacher in his off time. I teared up. He's always been the quiet guy at the table full of crap in the back who's presence fills the whole garage, watching everything-saying ... rude and sarcastic things to the other old fucks. I'd tiptoe around him-but never felt as a stranger. I just didn't want to be close enough to get barked at if the case which it wasnt. I cant wait to get that transparently bitter. Chopper is training up a new guy. Chopper has taken to (real name-no shit) looking over me a bit, instead of insulting a person another of his friends whined a dislike for. Chopper gave me a psycological game/excersise he was given when he quit smoking. All I can think is "Milan"--I dont even know where "Milan" is. Its funny--he tried to tell me at lunch the role of muslim women, as he talked about one of his many journeys around the world--I had to stop him and fill him in with the trust me I already knows. In fact, lemmie tell you a story about MY left hand. He's kindof an albino-and very very differnt. He finally got my story-though I didnt say much. I don't think Big Ugly Black Fishy likes me...or his accomodations. Played a dirty trick yesterday. When Foy greeted me with his characteristic joke about my stutter, instead of humoring him with a false retard joke against him, I greeted him with a drunk stumble..Fa...Fa...Fa...Foy. That one hit home. If he wants to fuck around with truths-I'll play. After a while, it DID begin to hurt my feelings. The stutter is barely perceptible and only comes from 'a lack of speaking'. push through speaking complex communications when you have not before-you'll see. I just said fuck it one day and started. dumb. fuh fuh fuh fuck you foy.. wuh wuh wuh why dont you gro gro gow up--thumb to mouth drinking sign--that's what he'll get next time; because it will hit home. See, foy was so drastically abused as to leave him both sensitive and wanting to do every thing the right way for those who ...approval; yet he also has come back from such hopeless irrisponsibility as to leave him claiming but but Im not this Im not that at least Im not at least Im not. Meanwhile the potential he moderately drowns every night is so apparent and such a travesty. I wont go down with you but I'll give you the honor of how I feel/think. fu fu fuh fuhking waste of this life 'you are so gr gr grateful to have'. he's always saying hes so happy to be alive. foy was shot next to the heart by his uncle and dumped in the er parking lot and he looks to others for how he should live his life while not picking up his own torch. And he carrys a big torch. Big black ugly fish sat in a temper depression tantrum at the bottom of the tank-back facing to me.... and he sat and he sat and he sat. fine!!! went to the clerk again. "My big black ugly fish doesnt like me." she remedied with a gold feeder. 8 or 10 actually- some for the porch fountain, some for the living room fountain.. and some for him. I noticed an especially large one and was happy to manage it from the bag to the tank; a couple others dropped in. oh now he's happy. like a golden retriver. chatter chatter chatter. fish to fish. And Angelo just sits on the side of the tank and ....ccchillls. not for feeding-for friendship. N. Korea demands speaking with US. US says no. hahahahahaha no. :-) I.. like that I can track my friends (coworkers) birthdays by way of thier criminal backgrounds. ASPIE QUIZ Thank you for filling out the Questionarre YOUR ASPIE SQORE IS 142/200 YOUR NEUROTYPICAL (NON AUTISTIC) SCORE IS 88/200 YOU ARE VERY LIKELY AN ASPIE. trick questions! that was a uk more scientific quiz with an option of (?) (how the fuck should I know if the language is contradictory or doesnt make sense) I took another less reliable from a news-sourse "newsweek autism" this time no option for ?. just strongly agree somwhat agree strongly disagree somewhat disagree. I took it twice. if I took it again my answers would again change because the questions dont take into account different contexts. and what is the differentce between somewhat agree and somewhat disagree? I scored above average for autism with a 28 then a 26 on a scale of 0-10 low autistic; 11-22 average autistic; 23-31 above average autistic; 32-50 very autistic. with a dis claimer that most high functioning aspergers and autistics will average score 35. were either tests accurate with 10 percent of the questions unclear to me--ie "I THINK I dont/do know what you mean-heres my answer based on what I could guess you are asking" but I read an article that about says it all here http://www.autistics.cc/ will I get diagnosed? I dont know. In a world taht psys the school 600 bucks a day (or quazrter or whatever) for each child it has diagnosed with adhd Im not sure I trust the source. But with a safe source you bet! Only, there is little, growning but little, resources for adults--its all about the children mostly. In any event-its all good and good to see where my sensory and social specifics lay. june 10th. JURY DUTY? AGAIN?? Farewell job. farewell seas. farewell friends. Jury Duty-Again. And I have a feeling...that I'm actually going to have to go through with it. shit. well I am just a temp worker. It's not like I'm a full timers probation. Maybe a break will be good. Maybe it will be only for a day. Maybe phillips is back up and running and I could be making 80 hrs a week. This Jury duty form is DIFFERENT than the last one. This one includes a badge and fare. It's like picking a sports team however for the proscecution and defense. In school I was always last-maybe here it will be the same and I will be filtered from the larger pool. And if not. I'll have to call cable and have them disconnect for awhile depending if the circumstance are circulating at all whatsoever in the media. Or I could have seen it already. But I didn't try to opt out. I loose to much respect for the many people I have seen play the "I think I'll opt out game because I just dont wanna" And I have a deeper respect for the country than taht. What is it////like a basic civic duty. Anyways--I'll probably be disqualified the second I request to wear light tint glasses to help with the overburdening florescents-or tell the judge that I give my word even though that is not my bible and my truth hand is not my right. or maybe I'll have to opt out for bias. though regardless--that sort of thing isnt ...well, I can look at facts and follow directions even if my senses are screaming different. I'm not looking forward to group work. I am looking forward to telling the group to fuck off if they attempt to bully my logic. I HATE stupid people. and am surrounded by idiots. Cool--an appointment is being made with the autism clinic. It was fun talking to the guy--we both kept stepping on each others voices while we tried to find our way politely to talk. then we busted up laughing. It was like a 30 sec stutter ordeal back and forth. He was so nice. Normal.. None of that who are you and what are you going to steal, lie, or abuse. (???) At least maybe I have a hope. I know (crosses fingers) she can tell me where I score on the spectrum so that when I get all this miscommunicative shit everytime I need help or report a crime or sit in a classroom, that I can ...get the disabilitcouselor to mediate through the brick wall taht disappears when the other person reads the "I am deaf card" before shooting. JULY ....SOMETHING 11/12 B-"RAIN - puuuuullleeeeze sweet fairies.... on behalf of all living things... send rain!" M-"as for rain, upon learning of my condition the rain fairys have ceased to have trust in my requests and have thus banned me to the 'ignore retarded person' corner of the populace-- though I have been having some luck with requesting the spider community consider 'me a person too' and relocating thier webs. Smart little buggers indeed!" Next Day... M='Heeeeeeeeyyyyy Yoooooouuuuu Guuuuyyyyyzzzzzzz!" "mmmmmkay. A mix up in the registration here. Brrrrrrrrrriiiiiiaaaaaaaannnnnna asked for rain. So. If THIS is the case (stands in doorway drenched) taps foot. Could Brrrrrriiiiaaaaaannnna please ask for someone to promptly clean HER car. At least THAT way. I'LL GET SOMETHING DONE AROUND HERE!!!! lmaO ROLLING ON THE FLOOR. WET MIGHT i ADD. :-) we've not had rain." B=Can I name you my benificiary if I ribbit? A=Sure I'll take your money, your belongings, and your debt-I wike you! (I hope she wills me that nifty healing dream gift-alas. it just doesnt work that way) A= Will you make sure the sick bastards don't turn mine into a suicidal alcoholic? B=Most definitely! Upon my life and heart I would! cool....I was actually worried she'd say NO, I I cant. July 13th. K. work. deadline to make after work. another deadline to make-I forget what it is.. oh yeah-work on that... run to clear up this cyanide induced lung phelm. (should stopped to grab mask) study diet to exclude dairy and ..wheat. Friday July 14th 06 Tim touched his face to mine.. why? I dunno-I didn't see on the blind side-he was formerly sticking my pig braid up my nose and giggling. I now await the beating of my ass by his woman. big bear hug boss man! thanks! --made my day, or year. My day got made again when I got home. It was made when I left for work. During work was a little rocky-disjunct-but much much happy fun doing serious work. Wre working on the owner's baby. The owner used to be her captain. She has been on "deadlisest seas". She is his baby. Her name is bountiful. She still has her wooden planks-and a nice new sun deck...or what ever that is. We are working on air and hydralic lines. processing tables. a shiny big new hatch for the crab hold. the crab processing hold platforms. 2 more hatches for run off and ...hmm I forget. anyho-brillance struck again *!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!* Research on bread indicates that: 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 10. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. ------------------------------ ------------------------------------------ In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made: 1. No sale of bread to minors. 2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools. /This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously :P ) / (8LOST IN TRANSIT)--SORTA...ever pushed control c when you should be pressing control v? so there is not a yes or no answer to a hypothetical-how do you feel about physical contact. Anywayss-thats not one of the questions. If I ever get arrested I will absolutely not freak at contact-just dont suffocate me-I've had seizures since 1977--they are mostly gone now. k-Q appropriately follows non verbal social facial cures-- A-HOW THE FUCK SHOULD i KNOW? and Q-Ability to respond approppriately to criticism/correction A-HOW THE FUCK SHOULD i KNOW? Or should it break down to school (and if so each different instructor) work (and if so each different scenario) law enforcement (and if so each different major theme ie: domestic violence vs traffic stops) I am tired from/of (?) crying. My head hurts. I wrote dad-so he would know. Last time I told him the truth... well lets just say part of me expects a/the (?) hit man. I really dont know-how he will misunderstand. Only that he always has when I am at my complete serious and most in need of his acceptance. strange how that works out.. He has moments of understanding. I dont understand those. other than-I told bri and my professor. I can pretty much say they are either aspie or aspie gened too. aspie tolerant. professor worked with the diabled. (and probably knew before I did-not to mention being a cop-and some of them actually actively are able to pay attention to such things) whoah.... I just got his response. He was TOTALLY COOL. (peeks out window) (j/k) he called me 'a fighter'. he's never said ANYTHING like that before. how perplexing. stepmommy... I love you. (whoever you are) age time and some good understanding. -- ------ -- |
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