Long Jokes
Send me some if you got em, i'll try and post as often as possible.
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that" said the trucker.
The man said "Yeah".
The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"
The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he noticed a white band just above his eyes to the top of his head.
Fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all. Jesse did and replied that it tasted like shit.
The doctor replied, "It was shit, Jesse. You were just a quart low."
Gay George goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
A young woman, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.
The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"
"Maam," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said, "I'm not sure about your husband, maam, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"
Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their public act of indecency, they bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them. He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass."
Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree, "Yoo-hoo, Officer, I'm over here."
Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.
The Brunette said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."
The Redhead said, "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks.
The Blonde said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"
Buford goes to the doctor and= says, "Doc, you've gotta help me, if I eat apples, apples come out. If I eat bananas, bananas come out."
The doctor says, "That's easy to fix. Just eat shit"
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the hell do you think?"
Two deaf people got married.
During the first week of marriage, they found that they were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea.
He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "Reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two-hundred and fifty times."
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking.
She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold Turkey."
After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
"Well, not too bad," she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him down to about a pack a night now."
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
The two little old ladies being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.
Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said,
"But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said,
"Good for you! So what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."
"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with sex' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankering' for a bit of variety."
Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
The famous Greek ship owner, Ori Oristotle, was having a house built on a large piece of land in Greece. He said to the architect,
"Don't disturb that tree over there because directly under that tree is where I had my first sexual experience."
"How sentimental, Mr. Oristotle," the architect said. "Right under that tree."
"Yes," continued Ori Oristotle. "And don't touch that tree over there either, because that's where her mother stood and watched while I was having my first sexual experience."
"Her mother just stood there and watched while you were having sex with her daughter?", the architect asked.
"Yes, she did." said the Greek ship owner.
"But Mr. Oristotle, what did her mother say?"
"Baaaaaa."
A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature's rather hideous appearance.
Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."
Frog: "Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it's a really bad spell."
Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you, will you turn into a prince?"
Frog: "I don't know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting,
"Your mom's the best piece of ass in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mother was squealing the whole time!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "For God's sake, you're drunk Dad, go home!"
Howard stopped to pick up a woman on the bad side of town. As he gave her a ride, he asked her what she did for a living.
She winked at him and said, "I'm a magician."
"No way," he contested. 'Prove it."
So she touched him on the cock, and he turned into a motel.
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn�t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"
The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail."
Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
A little boy about 12 years old, dragging a dead flattened dog, knocked on the door of a house of ill repute. The madam came to answer it, saw him and asked what he wanted.
He said he had heard all the men talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and that was the girl he wanted, and that he had the money to pay for it.
The madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the dog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down still dragging the dog. He paid the madam and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my mother and father are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I am going to make love to the baby-sitter who happens to be fond of little boys and give her the disease I just caught. When mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter home, on the way, he will make love to her, and he will catch it. When dad gets home, he and mom will go to bed, they will make love, and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he will make love to mom, and he will catch it, and he is the son-of-a-bitch that ran over my dog."
A little girl is walking her dog, when a priest comes along and says,
"Hello, little girl. What's your name?"
She says, "Rosepetal."
He says, "That's a nice name."
She says, "Yeah. When I was a little baby a rose petal fell on my head and my daddy's called me Rosepetal ever since."
The priest says, "That's so nice. Is this your doggy?"
She says, "Yeah."
The priest says, "What's his name?"
She says, "Porky." He says,
"Oh, I guess he likes to eat pork."
She says, "No. He likes to fuck pigs."
Burt went to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asked, "How is your sex life?"
"Well," replied Burt. "I have a lot of issues with sex."
"What kind of issues?" the therapist asked.
"Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."
A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.
A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?"
The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."
"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."
A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady.
"Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"
She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em."
A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.
The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."
The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."
The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."
The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest tits.
Sandie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression - mourning as if it were only yesterday.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sandie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection, on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"
He replies, "I'd like to offer my condolences."
Teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes bitching to Johnny's father. She comes to Johnny's house and suddenly notices Little Johnny fucking a goat in the yard. She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in the school and now, now he's having sex with a goat in the yard!"
Johnny's father screamed. "That fucking bastard! Today is my turn!"
A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful, nude girl lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi... I'm a little something extra that the president of the board paid for!"
The rabbi is incensed! He picks up the phone, calls the board president and says, "Greenberg, where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.
She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn't, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.
As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jerry come by with my money?"
With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you $500.00?"
In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars."
Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
A man goes to the doctor's office. When the doctor comes into the room, he looks at the man and says "Sir, I think I see the problem. You've got to stop masturbating."
The man says "Why? Am I going to go blind?"
The doctor says "No, but it's upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
Client: "I'm lookin' for a gun."
Owner:"What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case):
"That one looks about right."
Owner: (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?"
Client: "It's for shootin' at cans."
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."
Client: (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?"
Client: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans........Afri-cans...
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed.
The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."
"What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."
So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex.
When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin.
Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door.
"What's ! going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?"
He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done."
A teacher was helping her student with a math problem.
She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently.
She holds up three fingers.
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the hunter shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicle's. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the Popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."
A rookie milkman had just started a new milk run when he happened upon a house that when he delivered the milk a beautiful woman answered the door with a see through nightie on. This happened every morning from Monday to Thursday. On Friday the milkman couldn't take it anymore, so zipped down his fly and took out his penis fully erect and he rang the doorbell to deliver the milk.
To his surprise a six foot 200 pound hairy chested man answered the door.
The quick thinking milkman said "If you don't pay for your milk today I'm gona have to piss all over you.
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, by slapping hisface and shaking him. He asks "Are you OK??"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me,but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face,I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have A 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guys says, "Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'."
Three pregnant women are sitting chatting and knitting sweaters for their expected kids.
The first one says, "I hope that I have a baby boy, because I'm knitting a blue sweater."
The second says, " Well I hope that I have a girl because I'm knitting a pink sweater."
The third woman sighs and says, "I hope my kid is a retard, because I've really fucked up the arms on this thing."
A guy was walking along and was accosted by a hooker.
She asked, "How 'bout some a nice blow job, honey? Only $50"
"No way!" He responded. "I'm married!!!"
"So??? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.
So he told her, "The difference is.... My wife will do it for only $35."
Three guys, a Canadian, an Afghanistan and an American are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total, "says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my father was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
The Afghanistan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, like, Jews or Americans can come into our precious country."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"The American" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. "The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
The American says, "That is Very, Very good, now I want you to, fill Afghanistan with cement."
Three couples went to New York for a weekend but didn't have reservations. They were amazed to find only two rooms left in the whole area.
Each room had one bed. They took the rooms and decided to have the three women share one bed and the three men share the other. In the middle of the night, one man got up to leave. Another man asked him, "What are you doing?"
The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife."
The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see your wife?"
The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife. I've got the biggest erection I've ever had."
The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you."
The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?"
The second man answered, "Because you're holding MY dick"
A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.
This man comes over and asks, "What's wrong little girl?"
The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff. The
man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl's parents
mangled in the rocks below.
The man turns round and undoing his fly says, "I guess it just ain't your
lucky day."
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...". She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.
Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over." A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor.
He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her, . When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man.
After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating: "That woman is not my bitch of a wife, that woman is not my bitch of a wife....."
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No, how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest bikers bar. The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her "Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I Tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.
A group of burglars were robbing a bank. One of them pointed a gun at a teller's head and shouted: "Give me all your money, or you'll be Chemistry!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean History!"
The burglar shouted back, "Don't change the damn subject."
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on you're twinkie".
I know", she replies. "I'M GONNA GET BOOBS TOO".
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C.
This wasn't for any religious reasons.
They just couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.