Long Jokes
Send me some if you got em, i'll try and post as often as possible.
Two gay men decide that they feel qualified to have a baby. The more masculine of the two produces sperm for a surrogate mother. When the baby is born, they take a little stroll to the hospital. Walking by the nursery, they look at all the little babies, crying, with their little pink and blue hats. One little boy, in the corner, isn't crying at all. He seems happy and content to play with his feet. They continue on their stroll until they come across a nurse.
"Hi, we're the gay couple that had our baby delivered at this hospital. May we take him home," they ask.
"Of course." She leads them into the nursery to the boy in the corner.
"We kind of assumed this one was ours," they said. "I guess this really says something about the kind of parents gays can be, doesn't it?"
"Well, I guess," she replied. "But you should see him once we pull the pacifier out of his butt."
A little girl went over to grandmas house, she saw grandma get out of the shower. She asked, "What's that?"
Grandma replied, "That's my beaver, one day you will have one just like it!"
A few weeks later she saw her mother get out of the shower and said: "Mom that's your beaver"
Her mother said in a scolding voice: "Where did you hear that awful word?"
The little girl replied: "From Grandma, but I think her beaver is dead, it's tongue is hanging out!"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.
The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?"
The man says "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.
The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer and you're going to blow chunks."
You don't understand said the man, "Chunks is my dog."
A penguin is driving through a hot desert when his car acts up.
He pulls into a small town garage to get it checked.
The garage owner says he'll have to take it inside and check the transmission so the penguin can wait in the air conditioned office.
Even there the penguin is hot as hell.
He sees an ice cream machine in the corner and gets a vanilla bar to cool down.
With his short wings he can't eat it very well and gets ice cream all over his face.
About then the garage guy steps in and says "it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says "no it's just ice cream."
This man is driving down a winding country road when he sees a barn.
But not just any barn,the most beautiful barn he'd ever seen.
Beacause of that, he was compelled to stop and tell the farmer how nice it was.
He gets out of his car,and walks up to the old, rickety house.
A man in a straw hat and overalls opens the door and walks out just as he approaches the porch.
The farmer asks if he could help the man.
The man replies, "Well sir I just had to stop and tell you how nice of a barn that is."
The farmer thanks him and says, "I built it with my own two hands. But do they call me a barn builder? NO!"
The farmer continues, "Remember seeing a bridge a half mile back?"
The man said, "yes,and as I recall,that was one hell of a bridge,too."
The farmer again said "Thank you,I built it with my own two hands. But do they call me a bridge-builder?NO!"
The farmer continues,"But you fuck one goat!"
An old man gets put into a nursing home by his son.
He doesn't like it, but he stays in there for his son's sake.
On his first morning in the nursing home, he wakes up with a boner.
Out of nowhere, the most beautiful nurse he's ever seen comes in, kneels down in front of him, and blows him without saying a word.
After its over the old man calls his son. He says "Son, thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home"
The son says "well, gee dad what happened?" The old man tells him.
The son says," congratulations dad" "Thank you son" says the old man, and hangs up.
Later on in the day the old man is walking down a hallway when he suddenly trips and falls.
Out of nowhere, this big hillbilly orderly comes up, rips his pants down, fucks the old man up the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap.
After its over the old man drags himself to a phone, calls his son, and says "Son, you gotta get me out of here, this place is nuts!"
"Well gee dad what happened?" asked the son. The old man tells him, and the son says "Well, you got a blowjob this morning, I guess you gotta take the good with the bad."
"You dont understand son," the old man says," I only get a boner once a month, I fall down 3 or 4 times a day!"
A man walks into a diner and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says "I'm sorry, but the man next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees the other man just looking at the bowl of chili.
He asks "Are you going to eat that?" The other man says "Nope."
He asks "May I have it?" The second man slides the bowl over to him.
The man digs in and is about half-way through when his spoon hits something solid.
He looks down, sees a dead rat in the bowl and instantly vomits everything back up into the bowl.
The second man looks over and says" Yeah...thats about as far as I got too."
Two hobo friends met on the street one day. The first hobo says, what a great morning I've had.
The second says, oh-yah, I've had a pretty good morning myself, what happened to you?
The first hobo says, "I woke up, crawled out of my box and found a half of pizza in the garbage can by the curb, and under the pizza I found a full can of beer.
So I had breakfast and something to wash it down".
The second hobo says I can top that. I woke up down at the railroad yard, where I found a women tied to the tracks.
I untied her and we started to have sex, I fucked myself ragged, we did it this way and that, hell, I wore myself out.
"Great said the first hobo, did you get that blow job you've been after for the last three years?"
No, replied the second hobo, I couldn't find her head.
A man was standing at a urinal peeing, when he looked to his left there was a smaller man also peeing.
Suddenly the smaller man looks up at the taller man.
Totally embarassed the taller man looks away. "I'm sorry" the man said "I'm not gay or anything, but you have the biggest penis I've ever seen, especially on such a short man."
"Well it's because I'm a Leprechan, all Leprechans have Penises this big." said the Leprechan
"Wow, I'd give anything to have a penis that big!" said the man
"Well if you really want one I can grant you that wish, I am a Leprechan. All you have to do is let me fuck you in that cubicle over there." said the Leprechan.
"I don't know, said the man, let me think about it." So after a lot of deliberation the man finally decided to do it.
"How old are you son?" said the Leprechan while he was banging away at the man.
The man finding it difficult to turn around with the Leprechan ramming him so violently said "Uh, thirty-two."
"Imagine that, thirty-two and you still believe in Leprechans." said the Leprechan.
The young girl had just received her drivers license and asked her father to borrow the car.
He told her she could use it if she would have sex with him.
She told him no way she was letting him screw her, so he says, "ok then..give me a blow job instead."
As soon as she starts blowing him, she starts spitting and gagging and says, "oh my god..it tastes like shit!"
The dad smacks his head and says. "thats right, your brother has the car."
This guy has a bad day and wants to go out drinking, so he walks into a bar but he doesent know its a gay bar.
So he sits down and hes drinking some beers when some guy comes over and asks him if he wants to play darts.
The guy says sure and the other man is explaining the house rules.
He says if you get a bullseye you can fart for the extra point
So 10 minutes later the guy gets a bullseye and he just about to fart when the other guy sticks his dick in his ass
"What the fuck are you doing?" screams the guy
"I'm blocking the extra point" replied the homo.
There are two friends who work in the same building, a white guy and a black guy.
The white guy always comes to work with a smile on his face, so one day the black guy asks him what he is so happy about.
So the white guy tells him "every morning when I wake up, I look over at my wife and I say: 'creamy hair, golden skin, eyes of blue, all I want is to make love to you' and then we have sex."
So the black guy thinks about this and decides he will try it with his wife.
The next day he comes in with scratches all over his face and two black eyes.
Seeing this the white guy asks "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well I tried your idea of reciting poetry to my wife." said the black guy.
"What was your poem?" asked the white guy
The black guy spouted out,
"Nappy head Nappy head eyes like a frog, roll your fat ass over so I can fuck you like a dog!"
A father and his son were walking down the street when the little boy saw two spiders mating.
So the son asks his father what they were doing and he replyed "they're mating son"
So he says "Oh so the one one the top is the daddylonglegs and the one on the bottom is the mommylonglegs then"
Then the father replys "no son there both daddylonglegs"
So the kid stomps on them and yells "FAGGOTS!!"
One day a boy and his parents were at the zoo. They were standing in front of the elephant pen when the boy's dad went to get some peanuts to feed the elephants.
While he was gone the boy asked his mother, "mom, whats that big long thing on the elephant?"
His mother replied, "well son thats his trunk." The boy says, "no mom, the big long thing in the back."
His mother says, "why thats his tail." "NO MOM", the boy says getting frustrated, "I mean the big long thing in the back between his legs."
Embarrassed his mother replies, "Oh, thats nothing." Just then the dad returns and the mother leaves to use the restroom.
The boy asks his dad, "dad whats big long thing in the back between the elephant's legs?"
His dad replies, "why thats the elephant's penis son." The boy says, "but mom says its nothing."
His dad says proudly, "Son, I spoil that woman."
There is an airplane that is about to crash.
A women gets up and says if I am going to die I want to die being a real women.
She takes off all her clothes and says,"Is there any man here who can make me feel like a real women?"
So a guy in the back gets up, takes off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
Elton John goes to a tattoo parlor and asks to have a car tattooed on his dick.
The tattoo artist asks, "What type of car would you like put on?"
"Better make it a 4x4," replies Elton reflectively, "it's got a lot of shit to get through."
This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."
The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."
The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn''t matter, I want to buy those women a drink."
The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."
The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."
The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"
The first lady says, "We're lesbians."
The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"
The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."
The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."
A young girl was having her first period and was having the most terrible time of her life.
Not knowing what was happening she decided to share her problem with little Johnny next door.
After telling him what was going on, she showed him.
Johnny got real serious and said, " I'm not a doctor but I think someone ripped your balls off."
A man pulled into a tiny, backwoods town in the south.
He pulled up to the general store and saw a little old man sitting in front in a rocking chair.
He said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
The old man said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
The man said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "Sunshine, on my shoulders, makes me happy..."
The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "...I've got friends in low places..."
"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun, licking its ass, when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said,
"That's a docile old thing isn't it ?"
"No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its ass?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship.
"You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why," she asks, "because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."
The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband any more.
"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work. I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife another dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number.
A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"
The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."
A pedophile and a little boy are walking through a creepy graveyard late at night.
The little boy shivers and says, "This place is really scary."
The pedophile replies, "You're scared? I have to walk back all alone!"
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a cocktail frank.
A nurse standing in the room sees his unit and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and says, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"