Random Quotes
"It's called Vaginitis. It occurs when you stop eating meat." - South Park
"Bring a pitcher of beer every ten minutes until someone passes out. Then bring one every fifteen minutes" - Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School
"I think every man needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer" - Anonymous
"Now, you're gonna find out why they call me CIGARFACE" - Toxic Avenger
"I got my pistol point-cocked, riddlin' shots nonstop 'till I see your monkey ass drop...I got this killa up inside of me, I can't talk to my mother, so I talk to my diary..." - Office Space
"Do you have any transvestites under five feet? And dead?" - Aaron, the Man Show Boy
"Dude, you wouldn't know a classy broad if one took a dump on your head" - Outside Providence
"If I can't have your virginity, can I have the box it came in?" - Anonymous
"Hey Jimbo, you didn't wrestle today, why are you taking a shower?" - Dave Bucco
"'What is best in life Conan?' 'To crush your enemies, have them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women.'" - Conan the Barbarian
"That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! Sweet irony!" - Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
"I am all that is man!" - Super Troopers
"Want me to punchisize your face...for free? - Super Troopers
"All right, who wants a mustache ride?" - Super Troopers
"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere" - Van Wilder
"I'd go through hell in a gasoline suit to keep playing baseball." - Pete Rose
"Most ball games are lost, not won." - Casey Stengel
"No matter how liberated this world becomes, man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume, and women, whether they like to admit it or not, will still be impressed." - Cocktail
"Only in their dreams can men truly be free." - Dead Poets Society
"Life is a journey, not a destination." - Armageddon
"When someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes" - Ghostbusters
"Boys count, men drink." - Anonymous
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." - Napoleon Bonaparte
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers." - Jim Harkins
"For some moments in life their are no words." - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
"If you dance with the devil the devil doesn't change, the devil changes you." - 8mm
"I wouldn't wish that on a broke-dick dog" - Predator
"You bunch of slack-jawed faggots, this stuff'll make you into a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus, just like me." - Predator
"People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch" - As Good as it Gets
"There are two kinds of people I can't stand. Those who are intolerant of other cultures, and the Dutch." - Austin Powers 3
"Why is midget porn so expensive? Shouldn't it be half off?" - The Man Show
"So you can suck my dick if you don't like my shit, cause I was high when I wrote it, so suck my dick." - Eminem
"I'm talking about being hungry, something you wouldn't know about, rich boy. - I got a scholarship to go here. - My parents couldn't afford a fancy scholarship." - 3 South
"What is love? What is this longin' in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the sweet aroma of fine, fine diamonds. Does not the wind love the dirt. Is not love, not unlike the unlikely not it is unliken to?" - The Ladies Man
"I feel bad for Jimmy's penis because it has to live in the same underpants as his ass" - The Man Show
"I'm as happy as a puppy with two peters" - City Slickers 2: The Quest for Curly's Gold
"I can't, what if a baby squirrel gets it or something?" - Sonny Close, when I told him to throw an exploded pen out the window of my car.
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feelings, which thinks that nothing is worth war, is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing, which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than him." -- John Stewart Mill
"You wanna see a hairy pussy?" - Sang Houn Kim, my Korean roommate at wrestling camp, as he tucked his penis between his legs.
"Don't ever disrespect me and don't ever underestimate me. If you do, your life will become a raging sea" - Bill Murray in "Mad Dog and Glory"
"I wish I was 50 yrs younger...I'd suck a cunt" - My brother's 81 yr old neighbor
"I've done coke till my nose was bleeding like the 4th week of the Lilith Fair." - Doug Stanhope
"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not." - Tyler Durden, Fight Club
My Quotes
- Please send me some, I know I've said a lot of stupid shit to you guys over the years.
"Of course work sucks. If it was fun they would call it sex"
"The squirrel is king of the backyard"
"I have five pounds of undigested beef in my colon"
"We're not gettin any tonight. The girls are hoarding their pussy like fucking pirate gold"
"Why don't you make like a tree and go rape someone"
"You ever notice when a girl isn't in a relationship, they turn into man-hating dykes and think
they don't need a boyfriend, but when they are in a relationship they always seem to bring up
their boyfriend in conversation...I guess what I'm trying to say here is: Girls are stupid."
"It's not that I like to steal, It's that I don't think anyone else should have any possessions"
"Dude, you don't have to rape her. She's dead."
"Drunk is a feeling, not a number."
"Hartford would turn John Wayne gay."
"But aren't we all just dancing in cages?"
"Women are like pigs...I like to fuck em...in the mud."
"My dream is to have an ugly girl give me head under my desk while I look at internet porn."
"If I have a daughter I'm gonna make sure she's not fat, cause i don't like fat girls"
"I wanna get a pool and a slide, and slide down it drunk and then drown. Thats how I want to die."
"There is no way that I can consider going to Hershey Pennsylvania as being the time of my life...unless of course, I found a big chocolate whore."
"Girls are like baseballs...they should be white, with stitches."
"I put in some hard time before internet porn came out. I'll admit it, I've masturbated to a few National Geographics in my day."
"(talking about a girl I haven't seen) Is she between four and six feet tall? Is she between 80 and 600 lbs? Then I say go for it man."
"I'm not gonna kiss someone cause you tell me to. I'm gonna kiss someone cause I just roofied their beer."
"No John, you were a mistake. That was malicious"
"I was dancing, and I looked like a retard on fire"
"You look like ass run through a blender"
"Me and my buddy have a deal going. If either one of us gets a sex change we're gonna give the other one a blowjob. Otherwise it would be gay."
"You know, its not really incest if your parents are divorced"
"Look, I met her once, and she was ugly. How am I supposed to remember her name?"
"The only thing that girl could model for is Heptatitis medicine or something."
"All I want, is to find an 18 year old girl that looks like she's 14."
"If I played football, I would dry hump all the dudes after I tackled them"
"Dude it's not statutory rape if she's an orphan"
"I'd kill you before I'd kill a dog. No seriously though, if I saw you and a dog in the middle of the road, I would swerve and hit you."
"Whatever you think I'm thinking, it's ten times worse than you can imagine."
"I hate when I get stuff stuck in my teeth and have to pick it out with my fingers. I hate it because I know where they've been. And that's just gross!"
"I gotta go do some cramming... for the final tomorrow, not my thumb up somebody's butt."
"My dick really hurts right now. Its probably from the anal."
"If that girl's hair was just a little bit shorter, she would look just like a little boy...and that's why she's hot."
"I was watching MTV, and I saw the ugliest, gayest looking guy I've ever seen. It made me think of you, Jimmy"
"I wish my whole body was made out of nipple"
"That girl is like herpes... everytime you think she's finally gone, she comes back."
"At this point in my life the only pill that will improve my sex life is a hand-shrinking pill"
"Hey, I was an altar boy... I knew what I was getting into, and I took it like a man."
"It's like my dick. I don't use it that often but every once in awhile I like to pick it up and play with it."
"I wanna tickle your belly button from the inside"
"If there's one thing I hate, its all minorities"
"I have had some epic failures. I'm talking like a situation where the Elephant Man could've gotten laid, I've taken the long walk"
"Have you ever taken a shit so dastardly that you needed a shower afterward?"
"I'd rather laugh about it in public than cry about it in private"