A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand. "Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom.
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider.
The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent. "What made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender stunned by this order asks the man what is the occasion.
The man says, "I�m celebrating in a way."
The bartender asks the man what he�s celebrating.
The man smiles and says, "Today I just got my first Blowjob."
The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I'll buy you another shot. It�s on me!"
The man says, "No thanks. If 12 shot's don�t get the taste out of mouth, nothing will."

Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play 20 questions.
The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he's ready to play.
"OK," the second Canadian says. "Is it something good to eat?"
The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."
The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a Small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said,
"but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

There was this guy who went to a camp for adults. The owner was showing him around, and said, "You're gonna love it here, especially the barrel behind the restrooms. When you feel the need, stick you're dick in the hole for a blowjob."
The next day, the guy saw the owner and said, "This place is great. I'm going to use that barrel every day."
The owner said, "Every day except Mondays."
"Why not on Mondays?"
The owner said, "That's your day in the barrel."

A Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.
The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, stop now; you've been relieved."

An old man is sitting on his front porch when a boy walks by with something in his hands.
"What do you have there son?", the old man asked
"Duct-tape" the boy replied.
"Where are you going with that roll of tape son?", the old man asked.
"I am going duck hunting." he replied.
"You can't catch ducks with duc-tape!" The old man told him.
The little boy kept walking. A little while later the old man saw him walk by with his arms full of ducks. An hour later, the same boy is walking the old man again.
"What do you have there son?", the old man asked
"A crowbar" the boy replied.
"Where are you going with that crowbar son?", the old man asked.
"I am going crow hunting." he replied.
"You can't catch crows with a crowbar!" The old man told him.
The little boy kept walking. A little while later the old man saw him walk by with his arms full of crows.
An hour later, the same boy is walking the old man again.
"What do you have there son?", the old man asked
"A pussywillow branch" the boy replied.
"Wait up son....", the old man shouted back as he runs down off the porch...

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night."
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission Accomplished."

A big city woman married a southern hick and brought him to the city for the first time. When they first arrived, he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom. "Oh yuck!" she exclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband.
He craned his neck to see what it was. Then he looked at her and asked, "What is it?"
"Why, it's a disgusting used sheepskin condom!" she replied. "Don't they use them in the South?"
"Yeah," he said, "but we don't skin 'em first!"

A 3 year old girl was walking around the house one day when she walked into her parents room, where her mum was changing.
Seeing her mother naked, the girl looked at her mum's pussy and asked "Mummy, what's that?". The mum replies, "That's my vagina".
The girl asks, "when will I get one of those?", to which the mother replies, "When you're older, darling".
The girl then wanders into the bathroom, were her dad is taking a shower. The girl looks at her dad's dick, and asks him "Daddy, what's that?".
The father then tells her, "that's my penis". The girl asks "when will I get one of those?".
The dad then replies, "In about 20 minutes when your mum goes down the shops".

A bus driver is driving along the regular route when he notices that the only other person on the bus, a beautiful nun, is walking towards him from her seat. She approaches him and says "I'm going to go live in a nunnery for the rest of my life tomorrow, and before I do that I'd like to have sex with a man first".
The man, not believing his luck, says "sure, I'll do that". The nun then tells him "I could only have sex with a man who isn't married or doesn't have any children, and I would have to have anal sex".
The man replies "That's fine, I'm single and I've never had any children, and I don't mind fucking you up your ass". The bus driver then pulls over to a secluded spot and fucks the nun up her ass. As he pulls his pants back on, the bus driver looks at the nun and says "I have to tell you, I'm sorry sister, but I lied before - I'm married and have two children".
"That's ok," replies the nun, "My name is Dave and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party".

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Nice tits."

A lonely woman is looking for an unusual pet. The pet store owner brings her a frog and says, "This frog has been trained to perform cunnilingus. Just $500.00!"
The woman buys the frog, takes it home, lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog does nothing. The woman angrily returns to the pet store and complains about the frog's non-performance.
"Show me what you did," says the pet store owner. So the woman lies on the floor with her legs open. The frog just sits there.
The pet store owner moves over to the woman, puts his face between her legs, and yells to the frog, "All right, you little bastard, this is the last time I am showing you!"

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

One day a little boy named Bobby walked in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing?" asked Bobby.
"We're playing poker and your mom's the wild card," replied the father.
So Bobby walked out and went into his brother's room and saw his brother and his girlfriend having sex. "What are you doing?" asked Bobby.
"We're playing poker and she's the wild card," replied his brother.
So Bobby walked out and went to his room. Later on Bobby's father walked in. "What are you doing!?!" yelled his father.
"I'm playing poker!" Bobby replied.
"But where is your wild card?" asked his father, to which Bobby replied, "With a hand like this who needs a wild card!"

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of Lifesaver-like candies and told the kids to close their eyes and taste each flavor.
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, they were all stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher, "it's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick, spit 'em out - they're assholes!"

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A white guy is sitting at a bar with a black bartender.
He says, "Hey nigger! Gimme a beer!"
The bartender gives him a beer, and asks him to please be a little more respectful.
"Yeah, yeah, sure," replies the man.
Then, a few minutes later, he says, "Hey nigger! Gimme a beer!"
"Please sir, could you not use that word?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, yeah, sure," replies the man.
A few minutes later, he says again, "Hey nigger! Gimme a beer!"
Finally the bartender has had enough. "How would you feel if you were in my shoes?" he asked. "Why don't we try it?"
"Sure," says the guy, and goes behind the bar, while the bartender sits down on a stool.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Hey honkey! Gimme a beer!"
The guy looks at him and says, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers here."

A boy comes running home from school and he says to his mom, "Mommy, I just lost my virginity!"
His mom sent him to his room and said, "Wait until your father deals with you."
His father comes home and his mom tells him every thing. He goes to his son's room and congratulates him and, for a present, he said: "Why don't we get you that new bike. You can ride it right away! "
The boy said, "Can we wait 'til tomorrow. My butt still hurts!"

A dead woman comes into the morgue and a man starts to examine her and he notices a shrimp sticking out of her snatch.
He runs upstairs and tells his boss that there is a jumbo shrimp sticking out of Mrs. McGruder's snatch!
His boss follows him down into the morgue and pulls back the sheets and says, "You jerk! That's not a shrimp; that's her clit!!!"
"Well it tasted like shrimp!" replied the other.

One night a man walked into a bar and saw this 12-inch pianist and thought nothing about it. He ordered a drink and asked the bartender what the small pianist was.
The bartender said, "That will make your dreams come true by wishing!"
The man said: "I want 12 billion bucks!"
A few minutes passed and nothing happend. Suddenly 12-billion ducks flew into the room.
The guy said, "Wait a minute! I said 12 billion bucks, not ducks."
Then the bartender said, "Do you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some limes and eats them; he then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" said the guy.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finished his drink, paid the bill and left the bar.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?," he asks.
"Now what?" inquires the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barman.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first"

A man praying to God said, "God, why did you make women so pretty?"
And God said, "So you would love them!"
And the man said, "But why did you make them so dumb?"
And God said, "So they would love you!"

A sailor and a marine are in the Mens Room of their favorite watering hole. The sailor finishes pissing and starts to walk out the door.
The marine says, "In the Marines they teach us to wash our hands after we piss."
The sailor shoots back, "In the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down. A lot of people notice he is naked and has a small lego wheel on his penis.
A man went up to him and said, "Hey, did know you've got a wheel on your dick?" and the naked man replies, "I know, it's driving me nuts!"

One day a blonde, brunette and redhead walk into the elevator of their apartment building. As they enter they see a white puddle on the floor. The brunette bends down looks at it and says, "Ya that's the white stuff!"
Then the redhead bends down, smells it and says, "Oh ya that's it alright!"
Then the blonde bends down, taste it and says, "Sure it is! But it's no one from our building!"

Three guys were in a bar and they were all pretty smashed. The first guy said, "I bet that if I had one more beer, I could fly!" The other guys bought their friend another drink. After the first guy finished, he walked up to a nearby cliff and jumped off. The other two guys stared in disbelief as the first guy fell, fell, and then suddenly swooped up and landed on the cliff.
The second guy said, "I bet I can do that too!" He ran down to the bar, chugged a beer, and ran back up to the cliff. Then the second guy jumped off the cliff, fell, fell, and crashed into the ground below.
The third guy turned to the first guy and said, "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman!"

A man moves into a real small town, full of hicks. He is having trouble meeting people, when one day a local comes up to him and asks if he wanted to go to a party.
"A Party? What kind of party," the first guy asks...
"Well", the cowboy says, "there'll be a lot of drinkin' and a lot of fightin' and a lot of screwin' going on!"
"Now that's my kinda party!" says the first guy. "What should I wear?"
"Don't matter much," says the hick, "Just gonna be you and me...."

There are three dogs all in the vet's office. The first dog turns to the second dog and asks, "What are you in for?"
The dog replies, "Well, my master said that if I keep chewing up the newspaper he will put me to sleep. I kept chewing them and today I'm getting put to sleep."
The other dogs start to comfort him. The second dog turns to the third dog and asks him the same question.
The dog saddly replies, "Well my master said that if I kept drinking out of the toilet I would get put to sleep. And here I am about to get put to sleep."
The other dogs start to comfort him too. Then the second and third dog turn to the first dog and ask him.
The dog says, "When my master got out of the shower her towel fell off of her, and when she bent over I just couldn't help myself and jumped aboard, woofing away!"
"Oh, your getting put to sleep too! cried the others.
The first dog turns around and says, "I'm not here to get put to sleep, I'm here to get my nails trimmed!"

There is a girl on the beach with no arms and no legs, just crying. A man sees this and asks the girl what is wrong. "Well no one ever told me 'I love you' before!"
The man tells her he loves her and starts to walk away. This time she starts crying even harder. "Now whats wrong?" he asked.
"No ones ever kissed me before!"
So he gets down on one knee and kisses her and starts to walk away again. This time she starts bawling. "Now what is wrong?"
"No one's ever fucked me before!" she wails.
So, he picks her up, throws her in the water and says, "There, now you're fucked!"

A married woman, unhappy about her sex life, goes to her doctor for answers.
He gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before bed and then, "HAVE FUN he says.
The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.
The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, so she put two pills in his water. That night, they had sex even better then the night before.
So the next night she decides that if two pills were great, why not the rest -- and pours them all in his water.
A week later, the doctor calls and asks the son how the family is?"
The little boy answers: "Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, "Here KITTY KITTY"".

A lady says to her husband "Howard, I want breast implants."
He says "we cant afford it. Go grab a wad of toilet paper and rub it up and down between your tits."
She says "will it make them bigger?"
He says "well it worked on your ass."

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. "Damn," he says, "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."
"Not to worry," says the bartender, as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked you and gave some cash to cover the cleaning bill."
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks.
The drunk replies, "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants, too."

A fire chief walks in on two firemen having buttsex. He asks them what they are doing and one of the firemen responds, "his heart stopped breating so i had to bring him back to life" and the fire chief asks, "why didn't you just use mouth to mouth?" and the fireman says, "how the fuck do you think this all started?

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright red frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants."

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said,
"I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old man said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

Long Jokes Continued

Short Jokes

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