It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year- old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"Eh, I've got the airbag..."

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin............................... and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."

A man met a chick in a bar. He said, "Baby, I'm a man of few words, let's fuck".
She said, "Your place or mine?"
He said, "Hell, if you are going to argue about it, forget it".

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy?'A little embarassed, she tells him that is is her sponge.
Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy?'
Again embarassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.
'What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?'
'The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come inpacks of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condomsbecause I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.'
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over and says, 'You never told me that you were such a religious person.' He leans over to her and says, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: "Maxwell Coffeehouse." The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So the mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: "Rothmans." So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." And the mother was happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: "BRITISH AIRWAYS."
The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.
The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

Two pedophiles were in a bar discussing their past conquests.
The first turned to the other and said "I did time for having a nine year old one weekend."
The other looked disgusted and exclaimed "A nine year old! You fucked a nine year old?"
So the first pedophile smiles and says in a daydreamy voice, "Yeah, but she had the body of a five year old..."

This Jew had no luck, so he went to his Rabbi and asked him what to do. his Rabbi was no help.
o he decided to turn to Jesus. He went to Jesus and asked, "Jesus, why don't I have any luck?"
So He replied, "WHAT?! You're VERY lucky!!!"
Satisfied, the Jew went home. Upon telling the story to his wife, she asked, "Well, lucky with what?"
So he went back and asked Jesus, "Why am I lucky?"
... and Jesus said, "YOU'RE FUCKING LUCKY I'M NAILED UP HERE!"

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks him why he's doin' all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "Fifty cents."

A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me a shot of that green shit you have over there."
The bartender said, "I don't know about that, sir, it's pretty strong."
The man replied, "Good, give me two shots. I just found out my older son's gay."
The bartender understood and gave the man two shots of the green shit.
The next night the same man walked into the bar and said, "Give me four shots of that green shit from last night."
The bartender said, "Are you sure about that?"
The man said, "Yes, I just found out that my younger son is gay."
The bartender understood and gave him four shots of the green shit.
Then the next night the man went back to the bar and said, "Give me eight shots of that green shit."
The bartender said, "I don't think I can do that."
The man said, "Please, I had a horrible day."
The bartender said, "Doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?"
The man said, "Yeah, my wife."

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, W."

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.
He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asked, "What the hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asked, "Now just what the fuck is a taxidermist?"
The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

When the first grade class came in from recess, The teacher asked, "Alice Smith, what did you do at recess?"
Alice said, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher said, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
Alice did, and got a cookie.
The teacher asked Billy what he did at recess. Billy Johnson said, "I played with Alice in sand box."
The teacher said, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
Billy did, and got a cookie, too.
The teacher then asked Little Tyrone Kabali what he did at recess. Tyrone said, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher said, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?
The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

Two friends were enjoying a few pints down their local bar, when one said to the other:
"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow, "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend , "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say NO!"

Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed, "I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs fourfingers to hold his."
Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."
"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm pissing on three of them."

Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that they buy a hotdog. The other started bitching, complaining that he couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea.
"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."
The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.
They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work. The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar."

A family was travelling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay.
At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time. While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?"
The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this. While he was reprimanding his children he hadn't noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him. He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk.
She said, "Where am I going to hide it?"
The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left.
She said, "But it stinks!"
The father replied, "Well, can't you just hold its nose?"

Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"
"Beerfuck."

A guy and his girlfriend were in bed together when the girlfriend suddenly turned to the guy and asked, "Are you a pedophile?
"Fucking hell!" he shouts in surprise. "That's a hell of a big word for an 8 year old!"

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $4; chicken sandwich, $5; handjob, $20."
He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She said, "Yeah."
He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

Young Schmitty was taking confession, when he told the Irish priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister.
"Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes Schmitty, indeed it is a sin...Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

An Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man, 6 inches tall, in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman, "I'd like a pint of Guinness for meself and a thimble of Guinness for me friend."
The barman says, "Cor blimey, what've you got there, Paddy? Is it a little Irish leprechaun?"
Paddy answers, "No, it's an Englishman with the shit kicked out of him."

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."
Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a vagina look like?"
The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"
"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.
The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"
His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

Once a little boy went up to his mother and asked her what an orgasm was. She said, "I don't know. Go ask your father."

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she was reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asked her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive.
She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I want to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was abit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.
Around 2am she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!"

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, " It's the cobblestones."

A large gorilla was roaming through the jungle. He was extremely horny. Peering through the brush he saw a big old male lion sleeping on a knoll. Rushing forward he seized the lion and before the lion could respond the gorilla had his way with him. He pushed the lion away and went off running and laughing through the forest.
Coming to his senses the lion took off after the gorilla.
The gorilla spots a tent with nobody around, jumps inside, pulls on a pair of pants and a shirt and hat, and grabs a newspaper and begins reading.
All of a sudden the lion bursts into the tent, and stops short. "Hey, have you seen a big gorilla?" he yells.
"You mean the one who just fucked you in the ass?" responds the gorilla.
Says the lion " You mean it's in the papers already?"

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was an engineer. He said, "My dog can do math calculations." His dog's name was T-Square and the engineer told his dog to get some paper and do calculations, which the dog did - no problem.
The second man was an accountant. He said his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was told to fetch a dozen cookes and divide them into three equal piles, which the dog did - no problem.
The third man, a chemist, told his dog, Measure to get a quart of milk and pour 7ozs into a 10 oz glass. The dog did - no problem.
All three agreed each dog was very smart. They turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?"
The teamster's dog's name was Coffee-break. He said, "Show these boys what you can do."
Coffee-break went over, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he hurt his back, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workman's compensation and left for home on sick leave.

A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Burl, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Burl was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla.
They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500?
Burl: I might be interested. Let me think it over.
He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day.
Burl: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions: 1st, I don't want to have to kiss her. 2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition?
Burl: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

One day when little Johnny was on vacation, he was bugging his mom. So she told him to go outside and play. Johnny went outside and down the street. Took a right and saw a burning building. He saw the firefighters rescue a little baby and save the day. He ran home all excited that he saw this, and started to tell his mother.
She interrupted him, saying, I already heard it all on my scanner. Little Johnny pouts and goes to his room.
The next day, his mother tells him to go out and play. Again he goes down the street and takes a left. This time he saw a car accident. He saw the ambulance showup and save the people's lives. He rushes home and starts to tell his mother what he saw. She interrupts saying she already heard it on her scanner. Again he pouts all the way to his room.
The next day, she sends him out to play but this time he decides to take a right. He walks around farmer Paul's barn and sees him screwing a pig in the ass. He thinks to himself,"Man, I shouldn't be here!" He starts to sneak away when "snap", he steps on a twig.
The farmer hears him and says, "Hey Johnny is that you?"
Johnny says "Yeah."
The farmer ask Johnny if he wants to try it. Johnny thinks why not, and has himself the time of his life.
When he's done he runs home and starts yelling, "Mommy, mommy, guess what I did today?!?!"
She says, "OK, what?"
He says "Mommy, I got laid!!"
Snickering, she laughs, "In a pig's ass, you did!"
Johnny, pissed, goes to his room yelling, "DAMN SCANNER!"

More Long Jokes

Jokes	Misc. Pics	Trinity Pics	Funny Pictures	Quotes
Views	My Fave Sites	Blog	About me	Home

Email Me

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws