They're called political parties because every four years they get together to throw a big party. Fortunately we live in a two party system because if there were three parties we'd be a third world country. Freedom and prosperity tends to dwindle when you party too much. Surprisingly better than any plot some conspiracy theorist radio show host, Quentin Tarentino , or even Jesse the Body could dream up, Pat Buchanan has protected our freedom once again by almost single handedly killing the only reasonably viable third party that surfaced in the past century. Thanks again Pat. (Have you ever wondered if he and Babe do it?) It's too bad though because we Americans love to party. After all: Couldn't more parties be better?

 

Look at it like this: We used to have three major television networks. In most markets you could get at least two. If you stood in the right spot in the room you might get all three. And of course, if the reception was bad on the others you could always get PBS because at one point in time there was a meeting of the minds by the politicians who ruined public education in this country that the humanities couldn't be left to the forces of a free market since most people coming out of the public education system wouldn't have any appreciation for them. (but, behold I feel a different rant coming over me.) Of course, the big three have been cannibalized by cable and dish. But still, even within the segmented television market, in each segment there are one or two biggies. Right?

 

After a time it will happen to the internet as well. To some extent it already has. How many people do you know with e-mail addresses at AOL.com or MSN.com? But, I continue to digress. Would you prefer that I undress instead? I'll bet there will be one or two channels and or web sites that will shake out for that too. (Spice, Playboy) After all, undressing was the driving force behind e-business to begin with.

 

But more political parties would be better. Even if we can't have more Parties if we could just get the two we have to hold conventions every year that would help some right? Just ask all the prostitutes and topless dancers. They'll tell you how much those conventions are good for business. Like any business convention, when middle class white males travel to the big city they're going to go to a strip bar or have a prostitute up to their room. It's kind of tradition. Don't let anybody fool you either. No matter how far over the rainbow the Republicans and Democrats claim to be they are middle class white male dominated. (Another optical illusion... the same special interest groups pay for both parties. Big business is the government.) And, of course, when they go back home they'll wholeheartedly stand up for ridding that kind of smut from their town. It's kind of like nuclear waste: not in my back yard. And of course now the internet is too close to the backyard. If we just would have made it illegal to have internet connections in back yards we wouldn't be facing all the net censorship that's coming down the pike now.

 

Speaking of coming down the pike: George will warn you not to vote for Al because Bill got a hummer. And lord knows we can't have orgasms and be public servants. No... no,.. no. And to show George that he can't be bullied around Al chose Lieberman to counter George's anti-hummer campaign--after all, Lieberman is the anti-hummer Democrat. Way to be tough there Albert. Al will warn you not to vote for George because he'll make abortions illegal. And, of course, the mainstream press warns us not to vote for Pat because he's a Nazi. We couldn't vote for McCain because he was a true believer. Likewise is Ralph Nader. We know we can't have true believers in office because anyone who has the courage of their convictions is dangerous. No sir, we need politicians and not believers. The difference of course is that politicians only believe in re-election, which means they can be told what to do. True believers might do something zany, like, something. They can't be trusted to do nothing.

 

I fear this political season though that with the economy booming we're in for a pretty rough road ahead. I'm not talking economics either. I'm here to warn you not to vote for either of the big two. Too many people will say they're the same. But they're extremely different. You see this time around we have the worst of the liberals running -- the moralizing new democrat kind, and the worst of conservatives running --the compassionate capitol punishment kind. What that means is that since everybody's focus is off of the economy -- regardless who wins there's going to be someone trying to (A.) Limit your free speech in some form or fashion in the name of their morality, and (B.) They're going to be stacking the Supreme Court with activist extremists. (Aren't we lucky to have a choice between two so very different parties like this?) And of course the big special interest groups that bankroll everything are happy because when the government is busy worrying about what kind of clothes your daughter is not wearing they're leaving big business alone. (Methinks the ACLU is going to be very busy over the next eight years.)

 

So what's the alternative then? With everyone being warned not to vote for someone else's opponent, of course, the vast majority of Americans coming out of our public education system (is that seriously another rant?) simply don't vote. Which, I think, means there is a tacit third party out there. The Anti-Vote party. For which I place my hat in the ring for this year's party nomination. I'm delivering my acceptance speech later tonight on my deck in my back yard. My platform is free love and nickel beer. Anyone who wants me to be president--just don't vote at all. I'll bet you all the money the other guys are spending campaigning that come November I'll win.

 

And of course Al Gore says that if he has his way he won't be able to take money from Chinese Monks anymore. (All the politicians want political reform--wink, nudge.) But, we all know that you can't sell anything without a huge advertising budget. Micheal Jordan makes more money from Nike than all the Nike workers in the Pacific Rim Combined. I guess they really needed Tiger Woods too -- swoosh...(is this yet another rant? Let's hire two prominent black --I know Tiger is Asian too -- to help us exploit poor Pacific Rim Asian workers into making tons of shoes that we can sell for huge markups to suggestible and poor inner city black American kids). I guess it costs money to throw a party. Come to think of it that nearly viable third one couldn't have started without the bankroll from Slim Whitman... er... Ross Perot I mean. So, maybe Patty Cake Buchanan did us a favor after all. That's why my third party approach is so ingenious. I don't have to spend a dime.

 

Of course, I'll also bet someone's going to warn you why you shouldn't not vote for me. But, I don't care, because anyone who is against me is for me. Click.

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