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November 2000
Bush and Gore Elected
Voter Turnout up but down
and other Electile Dysfunctioning
©
2001
Night Hawke
I'm pissed.. I clearly won my bid for presidential election in the anti-vote campaign -- 49 percent of the eligible voters didn't turn out to support me -- I win by default.
You may or may not recall that I tossed my hat in the ring back in August as the nominee for the anti-vote party... Since Bush and Gore split all but Nader's 2% of the 51% of voters who turned out -- that leaves me with the clear majority. When I called the GSA this morning they refused to turn over the president-elect transition offices to me... OH WELL!!
From Night Hawke News Service:
WASHINGTON (NHNS)-- In a surprise decision handed down at 7:32 EST the U.S. Supreme court issued it's opinion regarding the outcome of the now certified and disputed Florida Presidential election. The majority opinion co-authored by Justices Scalia and Kennedy stated that in the time honored tradition of household conflict settlement all across the fruited plain that candidates Bush and Gore must convene at 3:30 P.M. EST in Tallahassee in a contest of paper, scissors, rock.
In the event Texas Governor George W. Bush wins the first volley, the Justices added, the contest will proceed until there is a two-out-of-three winner. A high-speed camera will record the event to ensure no cheating can occur at the last split-second.
This decision overturns the earlier Florida Supreme Court ruling calling for the candidates to duke it out on MTV's Celebrity Death Match.
Special Note for Miami-Dade County Residents:
Paper is signified by the placing of a flat palm against the anvil palm.
Rock is signified by the placing of a fist against the anvil palm.
Scissors is signified by the placing of a semi-fisted hand with the index and fore-fingers extended in a scissors like fashion against the anvil palm.
TALLAHASSEE (NHNS) - America remains without a President-Elect this afternoon after candidates George W. Bush and Albert Gore Jr. squared off on the steps of the State Capitol in Florida today at 3:30 PM EST. Following the decision handed down by the U.S. Supreme Court this morning the candidates met to conduct a decisive contest of paper, scissors, rock to finalize the determination of Florida's 25 Electoral College Votes.
The clear consensus of the officials was that Texas Governor George W. Bush won the first volley fair and square with a clearly placed fist in his anvil palm denoting the symbol of the 'rock' which beats scissors -- the choice of Vice-President Al Gore. Part of the decision from the Supreme Court was that if Governor Bush won the first volley the contest would proceed to a two out of three set. During the second volley Vice President Gore issued a scissors symbol again and contends that Governor Bush was clearly going for paper but changed to rock in the final microseconds before his open palm struck his anvil palm.
The Gore team has called for a review of the frames taken by the court-ordered high-speed camera that recorded the historic event. The review is expected to return to the U.S. Supreme Court because this morning's decision was unclear about how far from the anvil palm a symbol could be changed.
Justice Scalia, the court's most conservative Justice and Co-Author of this morning's decision, was heard muttering something about dueling with pistols at dawn.
TALLAHASSEE (NHNS) -- Vice-President Al Gore and Texas Governor George W. Bush were treated and released from Tallahassee Memorial Hospital for minor injuries incurred during what was apparently a duel with pistols conducted in the early morning hours. Senator Bob Dole of Kansas was admitted and is still in surgery. Democratic strategist and consultant James Carville had apparently brokered the event as a means to settle the disputed 25 electoral votes in Florida.
An unidentified informant has said the two presidential candidates met at dawn with Senator Bob Dole acting as second to Bush and former Massachusetts Gov. Michael S. Dukakis as second to Gore. U.S. Supreme court Justice Antonin Scalia officiated the contest.
Doctors at Tallahassee Memorial reported Vice-President Al Gore is in good condition after receiving a minor abrasion from a bullet across his upper right arm. 'We cleaned it and put a band-aid on it' said Dr. Vince Normal who then reported that Gov. Bush had not required emergency room care, 'He basically fainted and bumped his head -- he should be fine.'
Doctor Normal reported Senator Dole is in satisfactory condition after removing a bullet, apparently fired from Vice-President Gore's pistol, from the Senator's foot.
'President Clinton gave me the go ahead. He said he'd grant a full pardon to the winner.' Said Carville on CNN earlier today. 'Mary and I regularly have duels to settle disputes at home'. Carville is married to former President George Bush's campaign strategist and Political Commentator Mary Matalin.
The question of Florida's 25 Electoral College votes ostensibly remains gridlocked.
WASHINGTON (NHNS) -- Gore spokesman Chris Lehane in an announcement to the press today said legislative action in Florida to auction the contested 25 Electoral College votes on E-Bay would be unconstitutional.
A committee of the Republican-controlled Florida Legislature recommended on Thursday that a special session be called as soon as possible so the lawmakers can step into the disputed presidential election. The Legislature may decide to appoint its own slate of electors to the Electoral College if the issue is still unresolved by Dec. 12, the federal deadline for setting a state's electors. Or, they also claimed they could take this opportunity to fill state coffers and 'just auction the damned votes off.'
Congress set Election Day as a uniform national date for selection of electors, Gore's lawyers wrote. Any legislative intervention would 'not be appropriate', and added if this election goes on the auction block we'll have no choice but to resort to tea this afternoon in a Buddhist Temple.
Bush said 'I hit him,- I aimed, fired, and I hit him. I am the President-Elect. They can't auction those votes. They're mine.'
"All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."
--W.C. Fields
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If you steal anything from here I will hunt you down and eat you!
If you're there before it's over, you're on time.-- James J. Walker