jokes4

MARTHA'S WAY VERSUS MY WAY!!!!

MARTHA'S WAY #1: STUFF A MINIATURE MARSHMALLOW IN THE BOTTOM OF A SUGAR CONE TO STOP ICE CREAM DRIPS
MY WAY #1: JUST SUCK THE ICE CREAM OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE CONE, FOR PETE'S SAKE, YOU'RE PROBABLY LYING ON THE COUCH WITH YOUR FEET UP ANYWAY

MARTHA'S WAY #2: USE A MEAT BASTER TO "SQUEEZE" YOUR PANCAKE BATTER ONTO THE HOT GRIDDLE AND YOU'LL GET PERFECTLY SHAPED PANCAKES EVERY TIME
MY WAY #2: BUY THE PRECOOKED ONES YOU "NUKE" IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 30 SECONDS. THE HARD PART IS GETTING THEM OUT OF THE PLASTIC BAG

MARTHA'S WAY #3: TO KEEP POTATOS FROM BUDDING PUT AN APPLE IN THE BAG WITH THEM
MY WAY #3: BUY "SMASH" INSTANT MASH POTATO MIX AND KEEP IT IN THE CUPBOARD FOR UP TO A YEAR

MARTHA'S WAY #4: TO PREVENT EGG SHELLS FROM CRACKING, ADD A PINCH OF SALT TO THE WATER BEFORE HARD BOILING
MY WAY #4: WHO CARES IF THEY CRACK? AREN'T YOU GOING TO TAKE THE SHELLS OFF ANYWAY?

MARTHA'S WAY #5: TO GET THE MOST JUICE OUT OF LEMONS, BRING THEM TO ROOM TEMPERATURE AND ROLL THEM UNDER YOUR PALM AGAINST THE KITCHEN COUNTER BEFORE SQUEEZING
MY WAY #5: SLEEP WITH THE LEMONS IN BETWEEN THE MATRESS AND BOX SPRINGS

MARTHA'S WAY #6: TO EASILY REMOVE BURNT-ON FOOD FROM YOUR SKILLET, SIMPLY ADD A DROP OR TWO OF WASHING UP LIQUID AND ENOUGH WATER TO COVER THE BOTTOM OF THE PAN AND BRING TO THE BOIL ON THE STOVE
MY WAY #6: EAT FROM THE LOCAL TAKEAWAY EVERY NIGHT AND AVOID COOKING

MARTHA'S WAY #7: SPRAY YOUR TUPPERWARE WITH NON-STICK COOKING SPRAY BEFORE POURING IN TOMATO BASED SAUCES AND THERE WON'T BE ANY STAINS
MY WAY #7: FEED YOUR GARBAGE DISPOSAL AND THERE WON'T BE ANY LEFTOVERS

MARTHA'S WAY #8: WHEN A CAKE RECIPE CALLS FOR FLOURING THE BAKING PAN, USE A BIT OF THE DRY CAKE MIX AND THERE WON'T BE ANY WHITE MESS ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE FINISHED CAKE
MY WAY #8: GO TO THE BAKERY - THEY'LL EVEN DECORATE IT FOR YOU

MARTHA'S WAY #9: IF YOU ACCIDENTLY OVER-SALT A DISH WHILE IT'S STILL COOKING, DROP IN A PEELED POTATO AND IT WILL ABSORB THE EXCESS SALT FOR AN INSTANT "FIX-ME-UP"
MY WAY #9: IF YOU OVER-SALT THE DISH WHILE YOU ARE COOKING IT, THAT'S TOO BAD. MY MOTTO: I MADE IT, YOU WILL EAT IT AND I DON'T CARE HOW BAD IT TASTES

MARTHA'S WAY #10: WRAP CELERY IN ALUMINIUM FOIL WHEN PUTTING IT IN THE FRIDGE AND IT WILL LAST FOR WEEKS
MY WAY #10: CELERY? NEVER HEARD OF THE STUFF

MARTHA'S WAY #11: BRUSH BEATEN EGG WHITE OVER PIE CRUST BEFORE BAKING TO YIELD A BEAUTIFUL GLOSSY FINISH
MY WAY #11: THE MRS SMITH FROZEN PIE INSTRUCTIONS DO NOT INCLUDE BRUSHING BEATEN WHITE OVER CRUST SO I DON'T DO IT

MARTHA'S WAY #12: PLACE A SLICE OF APPLE IN BROWN SUGAR TO SOFTEN IT
MY WAY #12: BROWN SUGAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE SOFT?

MARTHA'S WAY #13: WHEN BOILING CORN ON THE COB, ADD A PINCH OF SUGAR TO HELP BRING OUT THE CORNS NATURAL SWEETNESS
MY WAY #13: THE ONLY CORN I BUY COMES IN A CAN

MARTHA'S WAY #14: TO DETERMINE WHETHER AN EGG IS FRESH IMMERSE IT IN A PAN OF COOL, SALTED WATER. IF IT SINKS IT IS FRESH, BUT IF IT RISES THEN THROW IT AWAY
MY WAY #14: EAT, COOK OR USE THE EGG ANYWAY. IF YOU FEEL ILL LATER YOU WILL KNOW THE EGG WASN'T FRESH

MARTHA'S WAY #15: DON'T THROW OUT ALL THAT LEFTOVER WINE. FREEZE IT INTO ICE CUBES FOR LATER USE IN CASSEROLES AND SAUCES
MY WAY #15: WHAT LEFTOVER WINE?

MARTHA'S WAY #16: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH ALKA-SELTZER
** CLEAN A TOILET. DROP IN TWO TABLETS, WAIT TWENTY MINUTES, BRUSH AND FLUSH. THE CITRIC ACID AND EFFERVESCENT ACTION CLEANS VITREOUS CHINA
** CLEAN A VASE. TO REMOVE A STAIN FROM THE BOTTOM OF A VASE OR CRUET, DROP IN TWO TABLETS AND FILL WITH WATER
** POLISH JEWELRY. DROP TWO TABLETS INTO A GLASS OF WATER, IMMERSE THE JEWELRY AND LEAVE FOR TWO MINUTES
** CLEAN A THERMOS FLASK. FILL THE FLASK WITH WATER, DROP IN FOUR TABLETS AND LEAVE FOR AN HOUR (OR LONGER IF NECESSARY)
MY WAY #16: PUT YOUR JEWELRY, THERMOS FLASK AND VASE INTO THE TOILET, ADD SOME ALKA-SELTZER AND YOU HAVE SOLVED A LOAD OF PROBLEMS AT ONCE