jokes5

AN IRISHMAN HAD BEEN DRINKING AT A PUB ALL EVENING. THE BARTENDER FINALLY SAYS THAT THE BAR IS CLOSING, SO THE IRISHMAN STANDS UP TO LEAVE AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE. HE TRIES TO STAND ONE MORE TIME WITH THE SAME RESULT. HE FIGURES HE WILL CRAWL OUTSIDE AND GET SOME FRESH AIR AND MAYBE THAT WILL SOBER HIM UP.

ONCE OUTSIDE HE STANDS UP AND AGAIN FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE. HE DECIDES TO CRAWL THE FOUR BLOCKS HOME AND WHEN HE ARRIVES AT HIS FRONT DOOR HE STANDS UP AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE. HE CRAWLS THROUGH THE DOOR TO HIS BEDROOM. WHEN HE REACHES HIS BED HE TRIES ONCE MORE TO STAND UP.

THIS TIME HE MANAGES TO PULL HIMSELF UPRIGHT BUT HE QUICKLY FALLS INTO BED AND IS SOUND ASLEEP AS SOON AS HIS HEAD HITS THE PILLOW. HE AWAKENS THE NEXT MORNING TO FIND HIS WIFE STANDING OVER HIM SHOUTING LOUDLY.

"SO, YOU'VE BEEN OUT DRINKING AGAIN!!??"

"WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?" HE ASKES, PUTTING ON AN INNOCENT FACE

"THE PUB CALLED, YOU LEFT YOUR WHEELCHAIR THERE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!".

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE JOKE OF ALL TIME

CHRISTMAS CAKE

INGREDIENTS

1 CUP WATER
1 TSP BAKING SODA
1 CUP SUGAR
1 TSP SALT
1 CUP BROWN SUGAR
LEMON JUICE
4 LARGE EGGS
NUTS
1 BOTTLE SHERRY (FOR TASTE)
2 CUPS DRIED FRUIT

METHOD:

SAMPLE THE SHERRY TO CHECK THE QUALITY. TAKE A LARGE BOWL, CHECK THE SHERRY AGAIN TO MAKE SURE IT IS OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY, POUR ONE LEVEL CUP AND DRINK. REPEAT. TURN ON THE ELECTRIC MIXER. BEAT ONE CUP OF BUTTER IN A LARGE FLUFFY BOWL. ADD ONE TEASPOON OF SUGAR. BEAT AGAIN. AT THIS POINT IT IS BEST TO CHECK THE SHERRY TO MAKE SURE IT IS SHTILL OK. TRY ANOTHER CUP JUST INCASE. TURN OFF THE MIXERER, BREAK TWO LEGS AND ADD TO THE BOWL AND CHUCK IN THE CUPS OF DRIED FRUIT. PICK FRUIT OFF THE FLOOR. MIX ON THE TURNER. IF THE FRIED DRUIT GETS STUCK IN THE BEATERERS PRY LOOSE WITH A DREWSCRIVER. SAMPLE THE SHERRY TO CHECK FOR TONSISTICITY. NEXT, SIFT 2 CUPS OF SALT, OR SOMETHING - WHO GIVE A SHIT. CHECK SHERRY. NOW SIFT THE LEMON JUICE AND STRAIN YOUR NUTS. ADD ONE TABLE. ADD A SPOON OF SUGAR OR SOMETHING - OR WHATEVER YOU CAN FIND. GREASH THE OVEN AND WEE IN THE FRIDGE. TURN THE CAKE TIN 360 DEGREES AND TRY NOT TO FALL OVER. DONT FORGET TO BEAT OFF THE TURNER. FINALLY, THROW THE BOWL OUT OF THE WINDOW, FINISH THE SHERRY, KICK THE DOG AND FALL INTO BED.

CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!

LITTLE NANCY WAS FILLING IN A HOLE IN THE GARDEN WHEN HER NEIGHBOUR PEERED OVER THE FENCE. INTERESTED IN WHAT THE YOUNGSTER WAS UP TO, HE ASKED IN HIS FRIENDLIEST WAY, "WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, NANCY?" "MY GOLDFISH DIED, " REPLIED NANCY, TEARFULLY, WITHOUT LOOKING UP, "AND I'VE JUST BURIED HIM." THE NEIGHBOUR COMMENTED, "THAT'S AND AWFULLY BIG HOLE FOR A GOLDFISH, ISN'T IT?" NANCY PATTED DOWN THE LAST HEAP OF EARTH AND REPLIED, "THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S INSIDE OF YOUR F*&%"@G CAT!!!!!!!!"