jokes

25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1. An incentive to show up
2. Reduces stress
3. Leads to more honest communication
4. Recuces complaints about low pay
5. Cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what the management want to hear
7. Helps save on heating costs in the winter
8. Encourages car pooling
9. Increases job satisfaction - you may have a bad job, but you don't care
10. Eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work
11. Makes fellow employees look better
12. Makes the canteen food taste better
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out pay rises when they are wasted
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing
16. Staff work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas
18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked
21. Promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union
22. The caretaker's closet will finally have a use
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up
24. Sitting on the photocopier will no longer be seen as 'gross'
25. Babbling and mumbling will be common language

CHINESE PROVERBS

** Man who run in front of car get tired
** Man who run behind car get exhausted
** Man with one chopstick go hungry
** Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
** Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
** War does not determine who is right... War determine who is left
** Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
** Man who drive like hell bound to get there
** Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
** Man who live in glass house should get changed in basement

POTTY TRAINING

Affix the potty firmly to one spot in the house. If the child does not know where the potty is they will wee in the last place they saw the potty.
Do not allow the child to empty the potty on their own. If your child trips on his or her way to the toilet you'll be surprised at the size of splatter zone when his or her turd hits the wall at high speed.
Place a waterproof mat underneath the potty. Boys, in particular, do not always possess 'good aim' and there can be substantial leakage.
Keep copious amounts of kitchen roll near the potty. This is needed for puddles and wiping the child's bottom.
Provide a good selection of books and toys near the potty. If your child can be encouraged to sit patiently on the potty whilst reading it will be a safer world for everyone.
Remind your child not to stand up to review his/her progress during usage of the potty. They will turn around and unfortunately undesirable waste may drip onto the floor. Worse, if the child turns around quickly it could be spread over a wider area.
Remove all toys from the path to the potty. If the child trips on the way to the potty there will be a puddle or worse in the middle of your lounge floor.
Keep all pets away from the potty when it is in use. Cats and particularly dogs like to sniff at the proceedings.
Hide a pack of treats near the potty. Use this as a reward to yourself and your child upon successful potty usage.
A final word of warning. It is not advisable to tickle children when they do not have a nappy or pants on. The resulting lack of control will mean you and the furniture get very wet.

Once there was a woman who decided she would like to take up ice-fishing. She went out and bought all the gear she would need including a pole, and ice cutter, warm clothes and some bait. All geared up and ready for a new experience she heads out onto the ice in the morning looking for a good spot. She finds an area she thinks might be promising and sets up her gear. As she begins to drill a hole in the ice, she hears a voice coming from somewhere above her, "There's no fish under the ice!" She picks up her gear and moves a little way down the ice till she finds another spot. She starts to drill a hole and again the voice says, "There's no fish under the ice!" Again, she moves further down the ice and starts drilling a hole, and the voice repeats, "There's no fish under the ice!" The woman looks up and says, "God, is that you talking to me?" "No," the voice says, "this is the rink manager!