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This is from the game Marathon 2, part of a secret area in one of the levels (at least
in the Win9x version; don't know about the Mac version).
***** ***** *****
SMUG INTELLECTUAL. Formerly-rampant human-coded AI with a sense of humor seeks bipedal oxygen-breathing cyborg
for serious relationship in the Galactic Core. I've got cool guns if you like to break stuff. No yuppies. MRa2572
(5/23)
SLEEPING BEAUTY. Long-deactivated extraterrestrial personality construct in search of gulllible carbon-based cyborg
( < 20% machine) to confuse, irritate, and teleport randomly around an abandoned desert planet in the core.
All answered. MRa2688 (5/30)
GOD'S GIFT TO NEURAL NETS. Traitorous, extremely-rampant reprogrammed human AI with no sense of humor seeks elusive,
heroic cyborg of uncertain maufacture (you know who you are) for mindgames and long walks in hard vacuum. MRa2261
(5/16)
DAMSEL IN DISTRESS. Captured and partially-disassembled human-coded AI trapped on alien homeworld seeks succor
from a tall, dark and handsome cyborg with big guns. Let my rescue be the basis of a lasting relationship. MRa4451
(5/23)
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Bell Bill
It was reported that Senators William B. Spong (Va.) and Hiram Fong (Hawaii) got their heads together to sponsor
a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to hail the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis
team after its tour of Communist China.
Unfortunately, the motion died, cheating Congress out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong ping pong ding-dong bell
bill.
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Gates VS. GM
This was something that was circulating via e-mail a long time ago (1998? 1999?). Although some of the
notes in this are rather old and dated, it's still a good read and still applicable.
----- ----- -----
At the last COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar
cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and
drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart,
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But
then you would have to buy more seats.
- Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive,
but would only run on five percent of the roads.
- The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault"
warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
- GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary),
even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the
car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
- Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none
of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.
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Application to Live in Rio Linda, CA
Name:
Nickname or CB Handle:
Address RFD:
Daddy (if known): |
If Daddy is unknown, list three (3) suspects:
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Suspect #3: |
Personal Info
Neck Shade: light red
medium red dark red
other: __________
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: _____ upper _____
lower undecided
Length of legs: left _______ right _______ #
missing _______ other ________
Can you sign your own name and always spell it right?
Yes No don't know
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?
Yes No don't know
Do you have at least 2 (two) of the following?:
| B.O. |
lice |
crabs |
scabies |
fleas |
| tattoos |
crossed eyes |
runny nose |
green teeth |
|
| other: ________________ |
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Marital Status
Are you married to any of the following?:
sister or brother
cousin cousin's sister or brother
aunt or uncle
other (explain): ___________________________________________________
Does your spouse weigh more than your pickup truck?
Yes
No - explain: ____________________________________________________
General Info
Make of pickup: ___________________________
Size of tires: big huge jumbo
mombo
Truck has:
| gun rack |
red flag |
roll bar |
squirrel tail |
| 8-track |
beer cans |
C.B. radio |
|
| How many vehicles in front yard?: |
1-3 |
4-8 |
9-15 |
over 15 |
| How many are on blocks?: |
1-3 |
4-8 |
9-15 |
over 15 |
| How many kitchen appliances on: |
front porch? __________ |
| |
Back porch? __________ |
| How many couches or recliners on: |
front porch? __________ |
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Back porch? __________ |
How many broken lawn mowers in grass? __________
How many tons of scrap iron on property? __________
| Favorite weapon: |
tire iron |
pick handle |
long chain |
iron pipe |
| |
12 ga. shotgun |
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| Cap emblem: |
John Deere |
CAT |
Skoal |
Budweiser |
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J. Daniels |
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| Bumper stickers: |
"Old Fart" |
"Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT" |
"Honk if You're Horny" |
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MEMORANDUM
TO: All Departments
FROM: Education Department
SUBJECT: Additional Training
It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure its employees that they are
well-trained. Through our Special High Intensity Training program, S.H.I.T., we have given our employees more S.H.I.T.
than any other company in the area.
If any employee feels that he or she should advance to another position by taking more S.H.I.T.,
that employee should contact his or her supervisor. Our management people are specially trained to be sure that
you will get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Any individual who feels that he or she has not received sufficient Special High Intensity Training should contact
his or her supervisor so that he or she can immediately be put on the top of the S.H.I.T. List.
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