Okay, calm down. Let me guess what happened. You went to this party or bar, got wasted, couldn't get that hot little number to go home with you, and the next thing you know you've just scored with her. A girl you'd never mess around with in a million years. It's too late now, pal; no use crying over spilled semen. So what do you do? Read on, oh remorseful one, and you might be able to get out of this experience alive.

I have no recollection of the events in question, Senator
The first thing to understand is that it really did happen. Accept that fact and move on. You can deny the affair ever happened, but chances are people won't believe you. Someone at the party probably saw the two of you getting along so well, and might have even seen you leave the place with her. Even if you managed to avoid being seen, chances are she'll start talking to her friends, and you know how quickly this kind of story gets spread.

The more you deny a story, the more people will believe it. So don't worry about how you're going to get people to believe this never happened. Instead, worry about how you can explain why you had sex with her. The object here is to stop your friends from either laughing at you or from thinking you're a great, big asshole.

Is there a spin doctor in the house?
The worst excuse you can use is the Pity Fuck, because no one's going to believe you (even if it is the truth). "Man, she was just so down, on the verge of tears and all that. So I felt bad for her and started trying to make her feel better by paying attention to her. When she asked me back to her place, how could I say no? It would've broken her heart?" Not going to fly. You come off sounding really egotistical, so people aren't going to want to believe you.

The way to go is to apply the proper spin; to explain the events in such a light as to get you off the hook. Ah, but what kind of spin? It depends on why the little woman is such a bad choice as a partner:

Borderline Ugly or Psychotic: emphasize the sex, ignore the woman. "Hey, at least I got some," will work in this case, especially if your friends are alone themselves. If someone starts saying you shouldn't use people like that, try to build up sympathy for you with something like, "I know it was wrong, but I've been so lonely these past few weeks. It was nice to be wanted." Please note this will not work if this is the third girl this week you've banged. If you are getting that much, people know you're a player and won't even bother asking this time.

No-Doubt-About-It Ugly or Psychotic: plead temporary insanity. The self-pity angle might work if she's okay, but if she's butt-ugly it's not going to work. Your best bet is to find some chemical to blame, especially alcohol, but be sure to shoulder part of the blame yourself. People seem to hate when someone blames all their troubles on alcohol. So say something like, "Man, I am so stupid, and all that tequila did not help at all," to get people off your back.

Married, Engaged, or Otherwise Taken: it depends on her partner. If the guy's a real asshole, then you have nothing to fear. Say something like, "Man, I just scored with that bastard's girl" and people will actually congradulate you. However, if it's someone cool or even a friend of yours, then go to hell. You don't deserve our help. I don't care how drunk you were, you don't screw your friend's girl. And if you do, don't waste time reading this, go beg for forgiveness.

The motive is elementary, dear Watson; just look at her tits
So what's to stop you from doing this again? One thing is to try and figure out why you slept with her in the first place. Sure, the alcohol had something to do with it, but remember that alcohol loosens inhibitions; there's probably a deeper reason for it all. First, think of why you're panicking now; is she ugly, is she stupid, is she your bosses wife? Remember that there may be more than one reason. Then think of what you noticed in your drunken haze that made her a viable option; you were lonely, she's got nice tits, your boss is an asshole. Once this is somewhat understood, keep it in mind the next time you go out.

For example, let's say she's uglier than a mule but has huge, natural breasts. You probably couldn't see her face for her chest. So next weekend at the bar, if you find yourself staring at this girl's tits, look up at her face and remember what happened last time. This should shock you into reality long enough to get an honest view.

Now, if you do this again with the same girl, then you've got problems. Not only are you leading her on into thinking you're dating or something, but you might actually like the girl! Think about it. Why do you keep going back to her? Unless the sex is absolutely amazing, you may have feelings for her. And if the sex is that good, why don't you have feelings for her?

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