1. Cultivate your collection of porn. Try to cover all media, e.g. movies, mags, web-sites.

2. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

3. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

4. Ignore women, especially if you're attracted to them. They find it arousing.

5. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. It just wouldn't work, y'know?"

6. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.

7. Say things like "Wha...?"

8. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out for you, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

9. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

10. Feelings? What feelings? Feelings get in the way of testosterone production. Ditch 'em.

11. Practice writing your name with urine (only your own; using other's urine is sick).

12. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

13. Treat life as one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

14. Contort every sentence that anyone says to have sexual meaning. If they deny any, say it's a Freudian slip, and that it's probably beyond their understanding.

15. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia.

16. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat.

17. Ignore your problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

18. Never take responsibility for your actions. Either have an excuse or a patsy ready at all times.

19. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, etc.

20. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, do not stop. This is the desired reaction.

21. Crying is not manly, especially when watching chick movies. Instead, point out how no real woman would ever find a guy like that attractive, or how the heroine is butt ugly.

22. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."

23. Agenda for the evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Drink beer again. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: quantity, not quality.

25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: quantity IS quality.

26. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault, not you.

27. Don't ever let anyone say, "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. If a woman said this, pretend to be hurt (it's okay to show feelings if the aren't sincere).

28. Go to the mall and drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

29. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

30. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "Is something wrong?"

31. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."

32. Repress any emotions you have. They need to be saved for when your team's playing. Remember, you can make your team play better if you're intense enough.

33. Try to see how many women you can get into your bed at the same time.

34. Practice your blank stare.

35. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

36. If you are asked to do something you don't want to, first try your best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "See? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

37. Do not listen to pussy music such as folk and adult contemporary. Especially avoid chicks-with-guitars (Jewel, et. al.) and all-boy vocal bands (Backstreet Boys, et. al.). This rule is suspended if the music gets you laid.

38. Drink beer. Then drink more beer. If you're still conscious, you can still drink.

39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

40. Diss your girlfriend for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".

41. General rule: different is bad. Complain whenever faced with something new.

42. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

43. Play with yourself a lot. Masturbate at least 3 times a day. This keeps you in practice.

44. If you have to talk to someone on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

45. Two words: Hack and spit.

46. If you like a girl, go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and try to steal you from her. Try not to destroy their friendship, as you might want to date the other girl later on.

47. Do not make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, where do you see us in a year?" Answer: "Having sex."

48. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"

49. Watch movies with excessive and needless violence. "Apocalypse Now", "The Blues Brothers", and "Predator" are perfect examples.

50. Memorize the smallest details of your favorite sports teams (like all -time leading receiver in the month of September) and ignore other, less important facts (like someone's birthday).

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