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"God's paybacks are an eternal bitch." -Dennis Miller
Um, OK, so I was in middle school. Me and a friend were out riding bikes very early in the morning (2AM ish). We rode past a church, still under construction, on our way to the Kwik-i-Mart for sodas and chips. On the way back, I came up with the bright idea of going in to see how close the church was to being finished. There were still holes in the side where they moved equipment in, it wasn't locked up, no fence or anything. So we parked our bikes and went in. A crazy idea came over me: Wouldn't it be great to pee in a church? So i peed right where it looked like the altar would go.
Since that fateful day, my luck has been horrendous. I've totalled two cars, been arrested twice for fairly trivial things, and be it relationships, staying out of the hospital, and even playing stupid wargames, I've permanently Pissed Off God. I will never be truly successful at anything because of this. This has also led to my "I am God's Hampster" theory, which I'll add later.
It's essential to know this about me, as it helps explain why a bright, attractive, compassionate, friendly person like myself can at the same time be such a miserable failure (oh: go to www.google.com and type in "miserable failure", then click on "I'm Feeling Lucky"). So, uh, don't pee in churches, kids!