Warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash"
Day 35, Tuesday
Breakfast goes smoothly, but lunch is another adventure when Tonks and Snape both go for the last cold cuts. Snape has them already at the counter as Tonks enters and looks in the refrigerator.
Tonks(perplexed): hm...What..... Where ARE they!?
Snape: Is something the matter?
Tonks: Where's the ham and swiss lace cheese we had in here?
Snape: ..... here.
Tonks(looks around door): AHHH! YOU took them!
Snape(as if explaining to a slow 5 year old): Yes, I'm making a sandwich.
Tonks: Well good! You've got everything out. I want to make one too. (joins him at counter with plate) Hey! Don't take all the cheese-
Snape: ... There isn't enough left for two.
Tonks: Looks to me like there's a good three or four pieces left!
Snape: Exactly.
Tonks: Look, Snape - you go putting cheese in people's toothpaste tubes, I don't want to hear now that you won't split the remainder of the cheese!!
Snape: That was not cheese...
Tonks: (takes ham away from him) Fine. You keep the bloody cheese.
Snape: .. I need the ham.
Tonks: Well, there's only enough left for one! (pushes it possesively onto the bread she's put on her plate)
Snape: ....(eyes narrow) As you will recall, I had both the ham and the cheese before you even entered the kitchen -
(And speaking of "entering the kitchen," here comes the young Malfoy now - he looks peakier than usual)
Draco: What's this?? What's going on?
Snape: Good. Draco, you must stop sleeping with your hair care products - they keep falling off onto my bed.
Draco(shifty glance about room): Oh... you found them?
Snape: Yes. Another one this morning, no less. I expect you to take better care of them - or are you ill?
Tonks: Actually, you're looking a little under the weather..
Draco(proudly): I'm fine. Malfoys do not get "ill."
Tonks(snickers): No one "gets ill" - they "get sick!"
Draco: Whatever - (inspects counter) Now what's this all about? (to Snape) You're making a cheese sandwich, and she's making a ham sandwich.. This is what happens when I step out for five minutes - there's no one left to delegate the food products!
Snape(steps back): So.. Solomon - solve the problem for us.
Draco: Thank you, Professor Snape. I'll do just that. (takes the cheese off Snape's bread, places it on Tonks's ham, closes the sandwich, then takes a bite out of it.)
Tonks: HEY!
Snape(amused sniff): Well done.
Draco(swallows his bite): Yes - I was planning to make a sandwich. I had it all figured out.
Tonks: Wh- You!
Draco: 10-6.
Snape(as if correcting an answer): I believe it was 10-6 as of yesterday morning.
Tonks: What!!
(Sirius Black sticks his grinning head through the doorway; Snape scowls.)
Black: Yep! I scared you two off yesterday, remember!
Tonks: That wasn't - Ohhhh, Sirius!
Draco(still looking bored): So then.. 10-7. (sits primly at table with sandwich and plate)
Black: We're catching up! (opens refrigerator door) What's for lunch?
Tonks: Draco took the last of the ham and cheese.
Black: Awwwwwww - what's left then?
Tonks: Peanut butter and jelly?
Black: These are trying times, indeed. (sticks head back out door) MOOOOOOOOOOOOOONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
Snape: Is he your personal cook now, Black?
Black: nah, he cooks for everyone!
Tonks: Not at lunch, usually..
(enter Lupin, in mock severity)
Lupin: Just call me to cook your lunch, Sirius Black?
Black: No, I was hoping you could... advise us poor, ignorant -
Lupin(grins): Shut up. (looks in refrigerator) What's-
Tonks: It's hopeless, nothing to eat.
(Enter Hermione)
Hermione: What's for lunch? I heard Moony being called - I assumed there'd be something to eat.
Black: HAH
Lupin(sits at table next to Draco): Well yes.. Let's think. Soup! We should have some cans in the pantry, Hermione. Sirius - you should put the kettle on for tea. Tonks - if you would - table could be set- (Snape sits at table, watches in amusement as the other three scramble about following orders) What soups do we have, Hermione?
Hermione(rummaging through pantry): uhm.. split pea -
Black: Good!
Draco: Always better with a little Sherry.
Lupin: Liquor - that's your department, Sirius.
Black: Check- (exit)
(Enter Dumbledore)
Dumbledore: someone cooking lunch?
Lupin: Good - Albus, you can get the rest of the tea fixings.
Dumbledore(amused surprise): We're having tea? excellent.
Snape(ironically): What am I supposed to do, Lupin?
Lupin: hm.. (smiles) You don't have to do anything - consider it your "compensation" for lending me your books. Hermione, why don't you get the crackers while you're over there - (gestures vaguely in direction of pantry)
Tonks(sets plate and spoon in front of Lupin): Yes... did you need anything else??? (suggestive bat of the eyelashes)
Lupin(observes table): Napkins.
Tonks: ... (grins) Of course. (goes back to drawer)
Dumbledore: And teacups!
(The teapot begins to whistle as Sirius returns with a bottle of Sherry. He places it on the table before Lupin like a cat presenting its owner with a dead bird.)
Lupin: Ahh, Sirius - you left the kettle on?
Black: I'm going, I'm going!
Hermione(at stove with large pot): We have 4 cans of split pea with ham, so that's what I'm cooking.
Lupin: fine.
Draco(has finished his sandwich, pushes plate aside and puts his head in his arms on table): ugh..
Snape: None of that. Malfoys do not get ill.
Draco(muffled): tired
Dumbledore(talking to himself in cabinet): we're out of sugar? Where's the supply to fill up the bowl? how can we be out of sugar and I not notice??
Lupin(annoyingly polite): Sirius - be a dear - could you get us a cup of sugar?
Black(grumbling): all right, all right- I see how it is..I call you in to cook and you wind up bossing all of us around.. Being Ironic again, ehh?
Lupin: Not Ironic. Efficient.
Snape: Miss Tonks.. Why do I not have a bowl?
Tonks(setting out tea cups and saucers): what - You eat soup?
Snape: I cannot live off ham and cheese alone....
(Enter Voldemort with swirl of robes. He stops at the refrigerator and observes imperiously.)
Voldemort: This is some third world sweatshop. What's the meaning of this?
Snape: Black told Lupin to cook.
Voldemort: (glances at Lupin, who is sitting comfortably at the kitchen table, arms folded, smirking ever so slightly) I see.. (he sweeps over to stove) Split pea with ham?! I disapprove!
Lupin(loses smirk): I think you'll have to fend for yourself then.
Voldemort(eyes narrow): Oh? I'm not included in ths household anymore?
Dumbledore(cheerfully from behind): No, you are until tomorrow morning at least.
Voldemort: I am not going to be voted off, Albus.
Hermione: Ok! bring your bowls over here!
Black(walking by with big white bag): Where's the sugar bowl?
Voldemort(steps back to confront Dumbledore - knocks into Black): watch it!
Black: agh! (the bag has a hole, and begins pouring a fine line of white onto the tiles) Hah - now look-
Lupin: Clean up! (turns to Snape) Severus..?
Snape(only mouth moving): Books, Lupin.. Books.
Lupin(grins): Draco!
Draco(muffled): mmmf!!
Tonks(sits): I already did my part!
Hermione: BRING YOUR BOWLS!
(Enter Bertie)
Bertie: Meoh?
Voldemort: Bertrum, they've taken over the kitchen. And they have the worst taste in midday cuisine. Split pea with ham - you wouldn't eat that. (the cat rubs against his robes)
Black: Hey cat eat that sugar- (Hermione bumps into him) Hey!! AGh 8 people and a cat is TOO MANY in the kitchen at once!
Voldemort; Yes, that's why I'm sitting! (takes a place that's been equiped with bowl and spoon)
Draco(lifts head suddenly, nose scrunched up) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHC HHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
(all in the immediate vicinity have to cringe-)
Tonks: AGH! SNEEZE ALL OVER US!
Lupin: .. ah... at least the soup wasn't here yet?
Hermione(from stove): I'm not SERVING YOU..
Snape: Draco. Go to bed. You're ill.
Draco: aghhh (sniffles pathetically) How undignified.. (leaves in defeat)
Dumbledore(brings pot to table): Ah.. oh dear, I think I oversteeped the tea..
Snape: I prefer it strong. You usually make it too weak.
Dumbledore: Always a supportive colleague, Severus.
Black: (has reached sugar bowl with the leaking bag) Ok, sugar.
(as Black is carefully pouring it into the sugar bowl, Tonks holds her cup across the table for Dumbledore to pour tea - and knocks into his arm; he drops the bag completely - sugar dumps out all over the table and into Lupin's soup bowl)
Lupin: ah... good... (head in hands laughing)
Hermione(comes over with soup bowl): You guys!! What is this mess you're making!
Lupin: This is why I don't have ANYTHING to do with lunch!
Snape: You're the one should've come down with a cold.
Dumbledore: tea anyone else?