Warnings: a themed episode, "Hints of Slash," abuse of HP characters
Day 34, Monday
Draco, Tonks, Hermione are forced to wake up at the usual time (Voldemort has taken to showering at strange hours: 3, 4 in the morning...) But Black, Lupin, and Snape have decided to sleep in.
Breakfast table chatter; Hermione and Tonks sit next to each other, munching on eggs. Voldemort has remained in the sun room.
Hermione: What ARE they doing??
Tonks: Sleeping in -lazy bums..
Hermione: We shouldn't allow that.
Draco: That's my room.. I'm not letting you two sneak in there.
Tonks: Now the kitchen AND a bedroom-
Dumbledore: Soon he will be turning us out of the house..
Hermione: We'll give them another 15 minutes. how's that?
Draco: It's only 9:15!
Hermione: Exactly. One hour to sleep in..
Upstairs:
(Snape wakes up first - he is the light sleeper. His greasy hair leaves a mark on the pillow. He stretches, glances at the other two, frowns. Black is mumbling softly and twitching.)
Snape: ... maybe I'll move into Dumbledore's room... (suddenly a groan then a swat from Black - his hand bangs into the wall)
Black: Ow!
Snape: ..or not.
Black(notices Snape): Ah - standing there wishing evil nightmares upon me, eh??
Snape: .. unfortunately no.. (grabs towel, exits)
Lupin: aghm?
Black: good morning to you too, Moony.
Lupin: wha' washat all about?
Black: dementors on the attack. And Snape.
Lupin: hmr?
Black: Go back to sleep. (rolls over)
(5 minutes later; loud banging at the door)
Black: AGHHH! (sits up, looking around frantically)
Hermione(from outside): TIME TO WAKE UP!!
Tonks: NO MORE SNOOZING!!
Black(howl of rage): WHAT!
Lupin: rnm?
Black: WHOS AT OUR DOOR!! (storms over to door, rips it open)
Tonks(cowed): Hi Sirius...?
Hermione(wide-eyed): I understand completely why they thought he was capable of killing 12 people in cold blood..
Black(panting in rage; hair dishevelled; robes in disarray, glowering murderously - then cloyingly polite tone through clenched teeth): good morning, ladies... did you have a nice breakfast? ..(they nod nervously) do you want to have lunch? (nod) Then you're going to let Padfoot and Moony sleep, Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight???
Tonks: yep!
Hermione: yeah!
(They turn and run down the hall)
Black(slams door, turns and is immediately back to normal): hah. 10-6.
Diary Room, midday.
Draco Malfoy sweeps in, wearing his usual haughty and bored expression.
Draco: Hello. I suppose now is as good a time as any to disclose my opinions to the audience. (sniffs) Let's see. (pulls out small white paper). Right. Number One: Breakfast. Breakfast today was not good without Professor Snape or Lord Voldemort. Even the other two fools at least do stupid things for amusement. (squints at paper) Ah, yes - I have a note here mentioning that Granger can't cook. It's true. Lupin makes much better hash browns than Granger, even if Professor Snape complains about it - as I recall, he was especially grumpy when Lupin wasn't cooking that one morning... Speaking of Professor Snape (sighs, shaking head)... he has to do something about that hair. It's not so bad in school because the light's bad enough in the dungeon, but around here it's so bright you can clearly see the grease and lack of proper attention. I can't fathom how his head can generate that much grease! He showers every day - and I don't see him keeping his head out of the water. (sigh) It's to the point where I am considering giving him some of my hair care products -- if for no other reason than it irritates me so to look at his head.. (pouts, thinking) ........ but it's clearly a lack of initiative on his part, because he knows probably all the spells and potions to fix it.. Perhaps I'll have to persuade him somehow. hm.. "persuade" isn't the right route to take with Professor Snape... perhaps "subtle hints" is better.. Ah, we'll see. (absorbed, he turns and leaves)
Let us go to the Sun room. Voldemort is stretched out on the shady sofa; Bertie on the one in the sunlight. Enter Dumbledore who sits next to Bertie.
Voldemort: Albus, what is this?
Dumbledore: Courtesy call. You weren't at breakfast.
Voldemort: The way you go on, one would think you expect to find me dead some morning. But when have I ever died, Albus?
Dumbledore: There's always a first time.
Voldemort: Well, you're satisfied that I'm not dead?
Dumbledore: It appears so!
Voldemort: I'd have more chance of being dead if I did eat breakfast every morning.. I chanced by the pan around 10 today and was appalled at the amount of grease leftover. So much greas I may have mistaken it for Severus's head! What do they cook these eggs in??!
Dumbledore: cooking oil?
Voldemort(shakes head): ..muggle cooking is so primitive..
Dumbledore: I noticed I wasn't nominated this week.
Voldemort: Oh, are you here on a gratitude mission?
Dumbledore(smiles): Mercy mission.. You were nominated...
Voldemort: I have a large fan following.
Dumbledore: I did nominate myself, though.
Voldemort: What?
Dumbledore: Random selection. But it wasn't enough.... (trails off) Aren't you .. concerned? Do you really think the most popular character and a personable and innocent girl are going to be voted off before you..?
Voldemort: ARE YOU GLOATING, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE?
Dumbledore(grins): Old Sage, my friend.. Benevolent Old Sage.
Voldemort: OUT OF MY SUN ROOM!! GO!!
Dumbledore(stands up, begins backing out, not in the least intimidated): Ah, now, Tom...
Voldemort: Curses!
Dumbledore: Shall I bring you some tea...? lemon drops?
Voldemort(draws wand): what spell - what spell -!
Dumbledore: No magic, don't forget. you don't want to lose your temper and be thrown out..Although it may be more honourable than being voted off by your beloved public.. (disappears out door)
Voldemort: Damned scheming, Albus! (folds arms, glances to cat, who has been observing) Bertrum, he is insufferable!
Lupin and Snape accidently meet each other in the hall, coming and going-
Lupin: Severus - I finished your book.
Snape: Yes. And?
Lupin: let me get it - I think I left it on my bed (they head for stairwell) I found it... interesting.. although I thought the evidence and arguments could have been a bit.. more rigorous.
Snape: Surprising, Lupin.. I thought you were going to hedge your way into saying it was a good book.
Lupin: aheh - not quite.. (they reach the room - Lupin retrieves the book from his bed; Snape inspects his closet collection)
Snape: hmm.. I see Miss Granger returned Magicless Remedies for Aches and Pains.. (trace of amusement in voice) she must have been worried about that compensation comment...
Lupin(calls from bed): "Compensation" - what?! Have you been scaring the kids again??
Snape: Funny you aren't concerned- you borrow more than she does...
Lupin(walks over): Because I know better. By the way, there's a suspicious bottle of shampoo on your bed.
Snape(sticks head out of closet to look): What??
Lupin: It says "Shampoo for oily or greasy hair."
Snape: Must be Malfoy's.
Lupin: Since when is he so careless with his products? Maybe it's a subtle hint-
Snape: Do you want a book or not, Lupin??
Lupin: I do, I do - but I can't see too well with you standing guard over them like some three-headed watchdog.. Cerberus - Severus - not too far off, eh?
Snape: (stands back irritably)....just hurry up.