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4
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Whose House Is It Anyway?
Episode Four: Handicapped Match-Sirius and Lupin VS. Snape with Flitwick As Guest Referee
Ellyndia: What the hell is this?
The Helldragon: It's the title. Like it?
Ellyndia: No.
The Helldragon: Too bad. Just be glad we've got Sirius and Lupin for this one.
Ellyndia: I though Sirius was dead.
The Helldragon: Well, he just fell through the Suicide Veil, he's not really dead...
Ellyndia: Doesn't 'suicide' imply death?
The Helldragon: (pause) Shut up!
(Crowds cheers)
Dumbledore: Gooood evening everyone, and welcome to Whose House Is It Anyway! On tonight's show...
(camera on Sirius)
It's the Holy Hand Grenade of Sirius Black!
(camera on Lupin)
We are the knights who say...Remus Lupin!
(camera on Flitwick)
Professor Flitwick awaits you all with nasty, big, pointed teeth!
(camera on Snape)
It's the dreaded Black Beast of Professor Snape!
(camera back to Dumbledore)
Dumbledore: I'm your host, Albus Dumbledore! Come on, let's go have some fun!
(runs to desk amid the cheers of the audience)
Dumbledore: Welcome to Whose House Is It Anyway, the show where's everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the Chutley Cannons winning the Quidditch World Cup.
Ron: That's just harsh to say!
Snape: Well, too bad! I'm the one that should be complaining...
Sirius: Now that me and Remus are on the show.
Lupin: What do you have to say to that, Sni-
Snape: Call me that name and I'm going to put you in a doggy bag.
Flitwick: (rolls eyes) This happens every day.
Dumbledore: Let's just start this. We're now going to play a game called Two-Line Vocabulary! This is for the troublesome three, Snape, Sirius, and Lupin.
Snape: (cracks knuckles) This ought to be good.
(the players get on the stage)
Dumbledore: Now, these three are going to act out a scene. Snape can say whatever he wants.
Snape: Today is the day I am a GOD!
Lupin: What a moron.
Dumbledore: Lupin and Sirius can only say two lines. Lupin, your lines are "Oh, crap!" and "Look over there!". Sirius, your lines are "Oh my god!" and "I don't believe it!" The scene is, (reads from a card) You all are at a zoo, and have a confrontation with a monkey. Begin.
Snape: Well, here we are at the zoo.
Lupin: Look over there!
Snape: Yes, I see the elephants.
Sirius: I don't believe it!
Snape: Naturally.
Lupin: Look over there!
Sirius: I don't believe it!
Snape: AHH! A savage wild monkey is loose in the zoo! What do we do?
Sirius: (hops around like a girl. ) Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Snape: Stop that! Let's get out of here!
Lupin: (flails his arm around) Oh, crap!
Snape: Lupin, you seem to have that monket handled well enough... (stats to calmly walk away from Lupin, who is apparently wrestling with a rabid monkey)
Sirius: Oh my god!
Lupin: Look over there!
Snape: What?
(Both Sirius and Snape look away toward something. Lupin struggles with the monkey and wrenches it off of his arm. It is then that Sirius and Snape look back.)
Sirius: I don't believe it!
Snape: Wow. He actually killed the monkey.
Lupin: Oh, crap!
Snape: What is it now?
Sirius: OH MY GOD!
Snape: (turns to Sirius) Bow before me, disipcle! (Sirius bows mightily, Lupin drags the monkey corpse over to Snape)
Lupin: Look over there!
Snape: Your God commands you to eat the dead monkey.
Lupin: Oh, crap.
Sirius: I don't believe it!
Snape: You'd better believe! I AM YOUR GOD!
Lupin: Oh, crap.
(buzz buzz buzz)
(The players return to their seats)
Dumbledore: That was distracting. Sirius gets 6000 points because he's new.
Sirius: Yes!
Flitwick: Not unless I take them all for me! (proceeds to steal a bunch of air. Sirius fights with him for it, giving him serious noogies.)
Snape: (rolls eyes) This happens every day.
Dumbledore: Now we're going to play a song called "Greatest Hits." This is for everyone.
(they go down)
Dumbledore: Now, what we need from the audience is a profession.
Pettigrew: Death Eaters!
Dumbledore: That's great. Now, Sirius and Snape are announcers on an infomercial for the new CD set, "Songs of the Death Eaters." Lupin and Flitwick are going to sing snippets of songs with the help of our mucisian, Ellyndia McGovern!
(Ellyndia waves).
Now-- Sirius, Snape, "Songs of the Death Eaters"
Snape: We interrupt "House Elves: Socks, Lies, and Videotapes" for this shameless promotion.
Sirius: Do you remember the old times, Snivellus?
Snape: Don't call me that!
Sirius: Ah, but you do!
Snape: Fond memories...(looks dreamy; adjusts pants)
Sirius: Well, here's a way to regain lost memories with the 12 CD set-- "Songs of the Death Eaters"
Snape: That's right. There's a whopping....one song on 12 CD's
Sirius: It's a really looooong one though, right Sniv-
Snape: (Takes Sirius by the throat) Don't say that name!
Sirius: Which is the title of the first part of the song, sung to the tune of "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child!
(music starts; Flitwick start moving their bodies like the music video; audience laughs)
Lupin:(Flitwick) Don't say that name say that name
Don't want to bewitch you, but say it and I'll jinx you
Say He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named
Don't say that name, (say that name)
I'll have you actin' crazy (crazy)
Imperius oh baby
No, I'm not ashamed. (ashamed)
(audience claps)
Sirius: Such quality work can only be gotten though Mexican non-union equivilants.
Snape: (brightly) Hey Black?
Sirius: (also bright) Yes, you greasy-haired git you?
Snape (evil look, then brightness again) I love Kansas.
Sirius: The state?
Snape: No, the band! (bright fake laugh)
Sirius: (unbelievably) No!
Snape: Yes I do. As a small boy living in Canada, I used to roam the countryside humming their dainty tunes, as I frolicked among nature.
Sirius: So the rumors are true!
Snape: (pause) Shut up! Anyway, here is their song, "Carry On My Evil Plans"
(music starts to Kansas' Carry on My Wayward Son. Flitwick and Lupin jump around with mad guitars, then when it gets quiet, Flitwick comes up)
Flitwick: Once he rose to a platform of influence.
Convincing all that his way was the newest.
He was the wave of the future,
But he crashed and burned.
Lupin: And now he's gone, only a few wait for him
For his return to life to splurg and sin
They wait in darkness for his sign, oh
And when he comes he'll say...
Together: "Carry on my evil plans
Help me now and we'll rule the land.
Sure you'll die but does it matter?
In the end I'll win."
(applause)
Sirius: What a morbid mind you had as a lad.
Snape: It was all that Canadian air.
Sirius: Well, how much do you expect to pay for such an exclusive set such as this?
Snape: Absoultely nothing?
Sirius: Exactly. We'll practically giving away this CD set!
Snape: Call now and we'll give you, free of charge, this jello mold of Kansas!
Sirius: You know, I love Devo!
Snape: Wasn't she that girl who had a lisp?
Sirius: No. Devo's wrote that wonderful song- "Working for the Dark Lord"
(Devo's Working in a Coal Mine starts to play)
Flitwick: Cause I'm a workin' for the Dark Lord
Going around
Workin' for the Dark Lord
Wooh! Dumbledore's goin' down
Workin' for the Dark Lord
Going around
Wooh! Dumbledore's goin down!
Five o'clock in the mornin'
I'm up before the sun
But when my workday is over,
I torture Muggles for fun!
Lupin (Flitwick in a bass voice) Well I've been workin (Workin')
Goin' (goin')
Workin' (workin')
Wooh! Dumbledore's goin' down!
(applause)
(BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ!)
(The players go to their seats)
Dumbledore: Well, I'll say! That is certainly music to defeat me by, I can tell you that!
(sings) Cause I'm a workin'...
(Snape gives him a look)
Dumbledore: Right. 1000 points to Snape, for frolicking in the woods as a child.
Lupin: Why are you rewarding him?
Flitwick: Pity?
Sirius: Contempt?
Snape: Stupidity?
Dumbledore: No! I have to give out points!
Sirius: But they don't matter!
Dumbledore: Well, I get five dollars for each point I give.
Flitwick: Now if you got paid to scratch your ass, you'd be a millionare...
Dumbledore: Shut up or I'll hex you.
Flitwick: (pouts) All right...
Dumbledore: Now we're going to move on to a game called Bartender! This is for Snape.
(Snape goes over to the miniature bar, convinently set up)
Sirius: How did that bar get there?
Lupin: Maybe it's a MAGIC bar! Ooooooh! (wiggles fingers mysteriously)
Dumbledore: Actually, it is. I had the stagehands zap that one up.
Lupin: Oh.
Dumbledore: All right, Snape is a singing bartender, and the others are going to come up, and they sing together, with Snape solving their problem. Now, first we have Flitwick come up.
(Flitwick walks up to the bar, which is, of course, way taller than him.)
Flitwick: Um, excuse me!
Snape: (points to bar surface) He has to be at least this tall to play this game.
(Dumbledore waves his wand. In a display of magic, Flitwick is instantly on a stool. Dumbledore blows out the smoke billowing from his wand tip.)
Lupin: Cool.
Dumbledore: All right, now we need a suggestion from the audience of a job Flitwick has that he hates.
Hermione: Gameskeeper!
Hagrid: Hey!
Dumbledore: Excellent! Flitwick is a disgruntled gameskeeper. When the music starts, take it away.
(Angry music starts)
Snape: Oh, I didn't see you there! What do you need?
Flitwick: Give me a keg!
Snape: A whole keg?!
Flitwick: It's for the animals!
(A short pause)
Flitwick: (singing) I hate those animals!
Truly I hate them, I do!
Blast-Ended Skrewts and Flobberworms!
They pee and they smell and leave piles of poo!
Being a gameskeeper sucks!
I just have no idea what to do!
Snape: (singing) Don't give up yet, shorty!
I have the solution for you!
Just stab those things with a pitchfork
And piledrive them into poo!
They'll have respect for you!
But they'll hate you!
And one plus one is TWOOOOOOOOO!
(Buzz)
(Flitwick goes back to his seat)
Dumbledore: Yes, math is important for a gameskeeper. All right, Sirius, come on down.
(Sirius does so)
Dumbledore: Okay, now we need a thing that Sirius really wants but he can't have because he's poor.
Harry: Yu-Gi-Oh cards!
Sirius: Oh, come on Harry!
Dumbledore: I love it. All right, Sirius really wants Yu-Gi-Oh cards but he's cheap. Take it away.
(Yearning music starts)
Sirius: Give me a tall one, barkeep.
Snape: How much worth?
Sirius: (looks in his wallet) A dollar worth.
(Snape takes a very tiny glass and places it on the counter. The way he does this invokes laughter.)
Snape: Say, what's on your mind?
(A short pause)
Sirius: (singing) I want some cards bad
Not tarot or playing, not for me!
Some really cool Yu-Gi-Oh cards!
Like the shiny Messenger of Peace!
But alas, I am broke
I have only cards three
Like a Waboku, Man-Eater Bug,
and the crappy Hibikimeeeeee!
Snape: (singing) The Game Shop is closed now
Open from eight to eleven
And all you need are more cards!
Like thirty-seven...
But you're not out yet!
Just rip off a kid for some!
And if all else fails
Take his cards when he's distracted
After you bite off his THUMMMMMB!
(Buzz)
Sirius: Bite his thumb?!
Snape: You try rhyming really stupid things.
Sirius: Fine, I will!
Flitwick: Not in this episode.
Sirius: WHAT?!
Lupin: (rolls eyes) This happens every day.
Dumbledore: All right, let's just finish this already. Lupin, you're next.
(Sirius leaves to his seat, replaced by Lupin)
Dumbledore: Now we need a product that Lupin is trying to sell, but he's not doing a very good job...
Ron: Robotizing formula!
Dumbledore: That's new. Okay, Lupin is a salesman trying to sell robotizing formula. Have at you.
(Sad music plays)
Lupin: I need something to numb my pain, barkeep. What've you got?
Snape: We have morphine.
Lupin: I'll take that to go. Hey, you want some robotizing formula?
Snape: No.
Lupin: All right...
(A short pause)
Lupin: (singing) What's wrong with Robo-Booze?
I think it's just a dandy
Changes the drinker into a robot
A potion like that is real handy!
Sure, you got to oil yourself
And your sex drive has to be upgraded
But Robo-Booze is a godsend!
Why is it so hated?
Snape: (singing) No one wants to be a robot!
Is your processor starting to suck?
The company isn't thinking about people
He just wants to make a quick buck!
No one wants metal balls!
Or other...metal things...
Do us all a big favor
And sell REAL dingilings!
(buzz)
Dumbledore: How much is your robotizing formula?
Lupin: Come see me after the show.
(audience laughs)
Dumbledore: Really--1000 points to everybody because it's Free Point day. Now, We're going to play a game called "If You Know What I Mean"- a new game to "Whose House?" Lupin, Flitwick, and Snape, as teachers at Hogwarts, you have the honor in participating in the game.
(They go on stage.)
Dumbledore: The point of this game is to speak in metaphors. Okay- you're all--wait. (reads cards) "Teachers at Hogwarts?" How original is that?! Oh well.
(They pantomime eating at the Head Table, from left to right- Lupin, Flitwick, Snape)
Snape: Guess what?
Flitwick: What?
Snape: I lost my 5th Cauldron today.
Flitwick: How?
Snape: Longbottom blew the gasket, if ya know what I mean.
Lupin: He's always been an exemplary student.
Snape: Maybe for you, but it's like he's got bad ingredients, if you know what I mean.
Lupin: Well, maybe he's just using the wrong recipe, if you know what I mean.
Flitwick: Or maybe's he not being used the right way, if you know what I mean.
Lupin: Under the right conditions, he could probably be very effective.
Snape: Like under a full moon (smirks) if you know what I mean. (He pantomimes biting into food)
Lupin: (He comes closer to Snape)You know I resent such remarks, Snape.
Snape: (low) Well, certain ingrediants should never mix, if you know what I mean.
Flitwick: Guys! Guys! remember where you are!
Lupin: I know where I am, Filius. It's just seems like Snape has forgotten how to...prepare his ingrediants, if you know what I mean.
Flitwick: No, I don't know what you mean.
Snape:(He is now closer to Lupin-- the two are giving each other evil looks) Perhaps, werewolf, you should stop before completing the reaction, if you know what I mean.
Lupin: Some reactions occur without a catalyst, though, if you know what I mean.
(Lupin and Snape are getting ready to fight -- actually closing in on each other-- poor Flitwick is stuck in the middle)
Flitwick: I'm as lost as one of your students, Severus, if you know what I mean!
(BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ)
(Audience cheers)
Dumbledore: We'll be right back to find out who the winner is, so don't go away!
The Helldragon: That is the last time I let Ellyndia write...
Ellyndia: HEY!
The Helldragon: Well, it bit ass!
Ellyndia: You bite ass! And that's because you have large teeth!
The Helldragon: (fingers his incisors) True, true. Anyway, now is the time we do something that resembles a commercial! And I have something already planned!
Ellyndia: Oh yes. The-(shudders)-Yu-Gi-Oh decks.
The Helldragon: (shoves Ellyndia offstage) Yes, today we're offering two exemplary decks for instant dueling fun! The first is my own custom deck, "The Burninator!" This deck is stock full of defensive monsters and cards to hold off your opponent while you fling fiery death toward his dome! And it can be yours for only(mumbles)300 bucks.
Ellyndia: Isn't a buck when you kick someone in the butt and call it a "buck"?
The Helldragon: Shut up. And our second deck is a deck I lovingly call "Creature Screw!" It's full of cards to remove your opponent's monsters from the field while you, much like the other deck, fling fiery death toward his dome! And it also can be bought for(mumbles) 300 bucks.
(A gigantic disclaimer appears on the screen. "Warning: 300 kicks in the butt of The Helldragon will not be accepted as payment. 300 kicks in Severus Snape's butt, however, is encouraged.")
The Helldragon: Order now! Now! NOW!
Ellyndia: (rolls eyes) This happens every day.
(Crowds cheers, all is on stage save for Sirius)
Dumbledore: Welcome back to Whose House Is It Anyway! Tonight's winner is Sirius Black! (points to Sirius at the desk who waves) That's right, he gets to escape the wholesome torture of the final game of the night, World's Worst!
Snape: Lupin is the world's worst werewolf.
Lupin: Snape is the world's worst greasy-haired git.
Flitwick: You two are the world's worst homosexuals!
Snape and Lupin: WHAT?!
Dumbledore: (over them all) We're all going to act out the examples of the World's Worst something. And what is that thing, Sirius?
Sirius: (reads card) The world's worst products.
Dumbledore: All right, the world's worst products.
Lupin: (steps up) Buy "The Burninator" preconstructed deck for only 300 bucks! Or 300 kicks to Snape's butt...
(Buzz)
Snape: (steps up) Order "Authentic Werewolf Hair" now, and get this free jello mold of the moon which convienently looks like a circle! Buy today!
(Buzz)
Dumbledore: (steps up) That's right, you can own your own collection of "Whose House Is It Anyway" videos for merely all of your life savings!
(Buzz)
Flitwick: (steps up) I bought "Shrink-Some-More", and look at me now! I'm only several inches tall!
(Buzz)
Snape: That worked almost too well...
Lupin: (steps up) My friend used "Greasy-Hair Care" with smashing results! Now Professor Snape is attracting all of the ugly chicks like a magnet! OW!
Snape: (steps up) Studies prove that "Instant Stupidity in a Can" gives an incredible 62 percent increase in stupidity to werewolves ACROSS THE BOARD! Wow!
(Buzz buzz buzz)
(The crowds cheers mightily)
Dumbledore: That's it for Whose House Is It Anyway! Now we're going to have Snape and Lupin read the credits like they're shopping for Potion ingredients. See ya later!
Snape: I need a bottle of Dan Patterson...where is it?
Lupin: Do you know what aisle has a few pinches of Mark Leverson?
Snape: It's aisle four, next to some Tom Bark. Oh, can't forget Bruce Gowers for my invisibility potion!
Lupin: I use Steven Blum as a substitute for Bruce Gowers if I'm out. It works rather well.
Snape: I'll remember that.
The Helldragon: And that's the way it goes, heroes. The fourth episode of Whose House Is It Anyway.
Ellyndia: Weren't we supposed to do something?
The Helldragon: What?
Ellyndia: I forgot.
The Helldragon: Me, too.
(The two stand for a minute. Then, just as time is about to run out, they remember.)
The Helldragon: Oh DAMN! We forgot to plug our stories!
Ellyndia: Quick, say a few words!
The Helldragon: Not enough time! Just shout out the names! Dark Duelists of Shadow! Whose House Is It Anyway!
Ellyndia: Balm of Hurt Minds! The Obsession-
We now join "Leave it to Beaver", already in progress...
Episode 1 * Episode 2 * Episode 3 * Episode
4