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4
Disclaimer: We don't own anything you recongnize.
Note:
Ellyndia McGovern III: Though this is listed under The Helldragon, I am co-author. I have some cool HP fanfictions on fanfiction.net that are more HP related. The Helldragon only does Yu-Gi-Oh fics--
The Helldragon: Stop plugging your stuff! *mutters* that comes later.
Whose House is It Anyway?
Episode 1: Snape Bashing For Fun and Profit!
Ellyndia: DON'T USE THAT TITLE!
The Helldragon: All right.
Whose House Is It Anyway?
Episode 1: Ellyndia McGovern Bashing For Fun and Profit!
Ellyndia: That's better-HEY!
(Crowd cheers)
Dumbledore: Gooood evening everyone, and welcome to Who's House Is It Anyway? On tonight's show...
(camera focused on McGonagall)
Mmm mm, good! It's Professor McGonagall!
(camera on Flitwick)
The best part of waking up! - Professor Flitwick!
(camera of Sprout)
Hungry? Why wait? Professor Sprout!
(camera on Snape)
Two for me, none for you! Professor Snape!
(camera on Dumbledore)
Hi, I'm Albus Dumbledore! Let's go have some fun!
(Dumbledore rushes to his desk and sits.)
Dumbledore: Hello, and welcome to Who's House Is It Anyway, the show were everything's made up and the points don't matter. Like Severus Snape's dental hygeine.
Snape: At least I HAVE teeth.
Dumbledore: It's not my fault my beard's so thick that you can't see my mouth! Now, we're going to play a game called Super Heroes! This is for everybody.
(regulars walk on stage)
In this game, you all are going to act like weird superheroes. Severus's going to be first-
Snape: To die?
Dumbledore: No, that's later. All right, now we need the name of a superhero from the audience.
(Random calls from the audience.)
Harry: OOH! ME! Harry Potter Man!
Dumbledore: That sounds good. Severus, you're Harry Potter Man.
(Snape grimances)
Dumbledore: And now we need a crisis.
Hermione: Exploding newspapers!
Dumbledore: Exploding newspapers? When does that happen?
Hermione: It says so in the newspapers, but they've been exploding, haven't they?
Dumbledore: Touche. The world's newspapers are exploding, Harry Potter Man! Whatcha gonna do?
Snape: (in gay Harry Potter 'accent') Ooh! Look at me! I'm Harry Potter- (like a hippie) MAN . Get out of my way! I'm going to go and break so many rules and annoy all my teachers! (waves hands in a very "gay" manner).
Harry: I don't think that's correct...
Snape: Artistic license.
Harry: Humph!
Snape: Let's see if I can fail today's crossword! (picks up newspaper) Oh my, I only have fourteen articles about my fame- OH NO! (paper 'explodes'. Snape flies backward.) GASP! The world's newspapers are exploding! What can I do! AHHHHHHHH!
Sprout: I came as soon as I heard!
Snape: Thank God you're here, Disco Freak!
Sprout: (dances disco style) Disco Freak says the world's newspapers are exploding and we must get funky on the problem! Do the Robot!
(she does)
Flitwick: I'm here, I guess.
Sprout: Groovy! It's Perpetual Gas Man!
Flitwick: What's the trouble? ('farts') OH! You smell that?
Snape: Yes, I do. The world's newspapers are exploding, Perpetual Gas Man! I would do it myself- but I have to go steal the Quidditch Cup from Slytherin!
Sprout: Get down with your bad self! (still dancing)
McG: I have arrived!
Flitwick: Man, I reek! Sorry about that, Bipolar Babe!
McG: (mad) All right, I'M in control! (happy) So let's all be friends!
(the four pretty much act bizzare in their personalities)
(BUZZ)
Sprout: But we didn't solve the problem!
Dumbledore: Oh, it doesn't matter. Its a seven-part series. Lets see- 1500 points to Sprout for dancing so "psychedelic, man"
(she grins and takes a sip of water. Flitwick pats her back)
Dumbledore: Now we'll play another game called Weird Newscasters! This is for all four of you. (The four take and set up the stools.) Each one of you are in a news show, but Professor Snape, McGonagall, and Sprout are going to have a really weird personality. McGonagall, you're slowly sinking in quicksand. Sprout, you're being attacked by a swarm of angry Jamacian bees. And Snape, you can't resist spinning in circles. When the music starts, take it away, Professor Flitwick.
(Music begins)
Flitwick: Good evening everyone. I.P. Freely here and welcome to the news that interrupts the football game right causing you to miss the game-winning touchdown. Today's story: those annoying shows that interrupt other, BETTER shows. With that story is my co-host, Anita Bath. Anita?
McG: (SLOWLY SINKING IN QUICKSAND) Well, there have been polls on this very subject-(all of the while sinking ever lower)-and there's been a lot of discussion. Oh, now my hand's stuck. Maybe if I pull it out with my hand... (McG digs in the "quicksand" to free her hand with her free hand) Ah, dammit! Maybe if I use my teeth... (And so she sinks, Flitwick watching amused.)
Flitwick: Very nice, Anita. And now we'll go to weather with the one and only B.O. Problem. B.O.?
Sprout: (CAUGHT IN A SWARM OF ANGRY JAMACIAN BEES) Well, I.P. we have rain coming up from down in the northeast, and-OH MY GOD! AHHHHH! (She flails fratically, swinging at the "bees".) And over here, there's sun and-OW! DAMMIT! (She gets "stung" repeatedly.) AH! OH GOD, THE AGONY! And don't forget to wear your sunscreen at the beach, because it's a-DAMN!-fine-day. (Falls down.)
Flitwick: As always, an elightening report from miss B.O. Problem. And now for sports, with the grand Hugh Jass. Hugh?
Snape: (CAN'T RESIST SPINNING IN CIRCLES) All right, today in Quidditch the Chudley Cannons suffered a humiliating defeat by the Tornadoes, 150 to 25. (Spins about rapidly) And you can hear the Cannons shout WHEEEEEEEEEEE! (starts wobbling) about the WHOLE thing...ooh, I'm gonna be sick...(regains his composure) And the Quidditch World Cup was interrupted over in Ireland by a horde of rampaging dirt devils. They go like this. (makes sucking sounds) Or like THIS! (Spins about until he "crashes" on the ground, knocking down the backdrop.)
Flitwick: Thank you, Hugh. Join us next time at 10:00 to 10:03. Be there, or waste three minutes of your life!
(Music plays)
(Buzz)
Dumbledore: That was excellent! 10,000 points to Snape for breaking the backdrop.
Snape: I do my best. (All four sit down again)
Dumbledore: Now we'll play a game called Newsflash! And interrupt the football game some more! This is for Professor McGonagall, Flitwick, and Sprout. (They stand and move to their positions.)
Snape: (full of trademark sarcasm) Oh, the cruelty.
Dumbledore. Now, Flitwick is going to stand in front of the screen over there. (He does so.) Everyone will be able to see what's on the screen except him. Even if Flitwick turns around, he won't see what's on it. McGonagall and Sprout are going to give him clues based on the screen, and Flitwick will have to guess what it is. When I say go, you go. Go.
McG: (whispering) Is he that gay?
Sprout: (whispering also) I was surprised when I found out about it...
McG: (normal voice) Oh, and we interrupt your football game for a newsflash! We have our reporter on the scene as we speak. What's happening out there?
Flitwick: (Holding a microphone in front of a scene with Snape spinning like a top) And it's absolute hell out here! The crowds are almost combusting with this new threat! They're freaking and whining-some are exploding!
Sprout: So you say that people are almost spinning around, confused?
Flitwick: Oh yes! WHOA! (He dives away just as Snape crashes into the backdrop, audience claps at the timing) That's was harsh! And the crowds LOVING it!
McG: I think this began over a Quidditch match.
Flitwick: You're right! Them Chutley Cannons suck so much! And the crowd goes AHHHHHH! (Leaps as Snape spins into Sprout, still flailing at those Jamacian bees)
Sprout: I was in the middle of that, I understand. Can it be stopped?
Flitwick: Maybe we could get a potion or something! But Severus Snape is busy-SPINNING LIKE A TOP!
(Audience cheers, Dumbledore buzzes rapidly. McG and Sprout put up the stools.)
Dumbledore: Beautiful. Flitwick gets 50 points to Ravenclaw.
Flitwick: Yes!
Dumbledore: OR...20,000 points to himself! What will it be?
Flitwick: 20,000 points to myself!
McG: You IDIOT! The points don't matter on this show!
Dumbledore: Too late! You have chosen! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Flitwick: Damn!
Snape: What an idiot...
Dumbledore: Now let's go onto a game called Whose Line! This is for Professor Snape and Sprout. (The two walk up to the stage.) Before the show and during the course of some others, we go around the audience and ask for funny lines. Snape and Sprout have a bunch of those in their pockets. At any time during their part, they pull out a line and read it. Hilarity will ensue.
Snape: Delightful.
Dumbledore: (Reads from a card) The scene is, Snape wants to play Everquest, but Sprout is too busy reading Harry Potter fanfiction. Okay, go.
Snape: Let me on! I want to play Everquest!
Sprout: No! This is getting gory! (Looks avidly at the "screen") Whoa...
Snape: Why do you read that crap? I've read some, and the only good line was-(reaches in his pocket and reads line)-"Don't blame me, I'm with the monkey!"
Sprout: I read that one too. That monkey sure is a sex machine... (Goggles at the screen) But anyway, you can't get on because-(reaches for line and reads it)-"Once I turned a hat into a shoe."
Snape: What does that have to do with it?! I want to play Everquest! Get off!
Sprout: No wait, I have to finish this scene. (Mumbles audibly) And seventeen other fanfics...
Snape: That's not fair! Whenever you hog the computer like this, I'm so mad, I think-(grabs another line)-"HUGE tracks of land!"
Sprout: What did you say?!
Snape: I said what was on my mind. I think of sex whenever you take up too much of my time.
Sprout: You should see the ones already in here about you and sex...
Snape: WHAT?!
(Buzzing, the crowds cheers mightily)
Dumbledore: We'll be right back to find out who the winner is, so don't go away!
The Helldragon: A hoy hoy, everyone! Welcome to our first tag-team fanfiction!
Ellyndia McGovern III: Who are you talking to?
The Helldragon: The readers, you idiot! Do you not understand?
Ellyndia: Obviously you don't. This isn't TV. They can't hear you.
The Helldragon: Yes they can. (winks)
Ellyndia: They also can't see you winking.
The Helldragon: They can't-AUGH! (Runs off stage)
Ellyndia: What a moron. (Looks back and forth, then glances at the reader) Hey kid! If you liked this one, you should read our other fanfictions! Like Something About a Bar! There's a part-
The Helldragon: (Runs back in) Ellyndia! Don't forget to tell them about Dark Duelists of Shadow! (Observes the audience, grinning) It's a great story. Really.
Ellyndia: (Bops The Helldragon on the head) You moron! Anyway, don't forget to read our stuff! Now.
(Crowd cheers, all save for Sprout is on stage)
Dumbledore: All right, we're back on Whose House Is It Anyway! Tonight's winner is Professor Sprout! (Crowd cheers some more) That's right, she gets to sit in my chair while we do...a HOEDOWN!
(Crowd cheers loudly)
Dumbledore: Now we need a subject for the hoedown.
Hermione: Homework!
Ron: Are you crazy?! That's a terrible subject!
Hermione: Then what would you suggest?
Fred: The Weaselys!
(All Weasleys in the audience agree unaminously-"YEAH!")
Snape: Oh, lord...
Dumbledore: Great idea! And now, let's do the Weasely Hoedown!
(Music begins)
Flitwick: I know the Weaselys
And that's not too bad
When they put Dungbombs in my pants
Well, then I get a little mad
They're close to driving me
Almost completely ape
But not as much as my friend
Good ol' Professor Snape!
McG: I know the Weaselys
Man, I've taught them all!
Every time we're together
We have a grand ol' ball
Fred and Geroge pull pranks
Unlike their brother Percy
Even when they make Snape
Cry shouts of "LORD, HAVE MERCY!"
(McG and Flitwick do-see-do)
Dumbledore: I don't know why I'm here
I have absolutely no clue
But now I see the Weaselys
and one plus one makes two
I'm the headmaster of Hogwarts
And that's a real gas
Especially when Snape trips
And falls right on his ass!
Snape: Why do you make fun of me?
You know that I don't care.
That the Weaselys' dared detention
Doesn't require throughfaire.
And when I see that group
Of boys and girls, all hair red
I roll my eyes and say,
"Go away, you dunderheads!"
All: "Go away, you dunderheads!!"
(Sprout buzzes loudly, crowd erupts in cheers)
Dumbledore: That's it for Whose House Is It Anyway! Now Snape and Flitwick are going to read the credits as a pair of Quidditch announcers! Good night, everybody!
(Credits roll)
Snape: And Dan Patterson enters the field, and already he's after the Snitch!
Flitwick: But Mark Leverson is after it too! Oh, he almost smashed into Tom Bark!
Snape: And now Bruce Gowers is attempting the Hawkshead Attack Formation without two other people!
Flitwick: And he's dead.
Snape: Wait! Steven Blum is dead too! SCORE!
So- what'ya think? Should we continue? Or be banned from doing this sort of stuff because it was so bad? Any feedback is appreciated.
The Helldragon: Not only do we appreciate it, we lust for it! We must have it.
Ellyndia McGovern: NOW!
Episode 1 * Episode 2 * Episode 3 * Episode
4