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4
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Who's House Is It Anyway?
Episode 2: Quidditch Teams That Suck And Other Useful Tidbits
The Helldragon: That's creative...
Ellyndia: All right, write a better one then!
The Helldragon: I will!
Who's House Is It Anyway?
Episode 2: d;aslfyhaol;erwhfkhdgf
Ellyndia: What the hell is that?!
The Helldragon: I slipped on the keyboard.
Ellyndia: It looks like the whole damn dictonary exploded!
The Helldragon: All right, it's Spanish.
Ellyndia: YOU KNOW I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH!
The Helldragon: And that's why it's the perfect title.
(Crowd cheers, music plays)
Dumbledore: Gooood evening everyone, and welcome to Who's House Is It Anyway? On tonight's show...
(Camera on McGonagall)
Get ready, 'cause here she comes! Professor McGonagall!
(Camera on Sprout)
I just want to celebrate! Professor Sprout!
(Camera on Fitwick)
What'd I say? Professor Flitwick!
(Camera on Snape)
And, hey, big brother! Professor Snape!
(Camera on Dumbledore)
Hi, I'm Albus Dumbledore! Come on, let's go have some fun!
(Dumbledore rushes to his seat, crowd dies down)
Dumbledore: Welcome to Who's House Is It Anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. Yes, the points are a lot like shower windows. They might be fun, but they don't really matter.
Flitwick: You would think so, but then... (darts eyes back and forth suspiciously)
Dumbledore: All right, let's start off with a game called Props! This is for all four of you. (The four go to the stage) All right, two of you will be given some props, and you have to make things up with them. (Snape and McGonagall get yellow C shapes, Flitwick and Sprout get two gray springy thingys) All right, Snape and McGonagall first...go.
Snape: (Holds Cs to his head like big ears) Wait...I'm recieving something...
McG: Yes?
Snape: Thickburgers at Hardees?! GASP!
(Buzz)
Sprout: (Flails springs around like arms) Danger, Will Robinson! (Flitwick looks around worriedly)
(Buzz)
McG: (Holds Cs to ground like croquet rings) All right, just swing your ball through these.
Snape: (Swings 'mallet' like golf)
(Buzz)
Flitwick: (Hops around like Tigger) T-I-Double Guh-Er!
(Buzz)
Snape: (Looks aghast at McG, who holds Cs to chest like symbol) AHHH! CHUTLEY CANNON FAN! DIE!! (Proceeds to pummel McG, fakely of course.)
(Buzz)
Sprout: (Looks at her spring dejectedly while Flitwick glares at his own) I knew I shouldn't have thrown our rapiers in the washing machine!
Flitwick: What part of "Dry Clean Only" do you not understand?!
(Buzz buzz buzz)
(the four put away the props and sits back down)
Dumbledore: Very good. Flitwick gets 3500 points for his brilliant Tigger impression.
Flitwick: YES!
Snape: Why didn't I get points for my perfect Potter impression in the first episode?
Dumbledore: Well, first off, it has to be perfect.
Snape: (mumbles)
Dumbledore: Now we'll move on to a game called Questions Only! This is for all four of you again.
Sprout: If this is for all of us again, why did you make us sit down?
Dumbledore: Because it's fun to watch you run about.
McG: Of course...
(The four finally stand and go to their places, Sprout and McG first beginning)
Dumbledore: In this game, two of you are going to start off, going back and forth in a conversation, but you can only speak in questions. When you screw up, another takes your place. All right, the scene is (reads off a card) you all are at a gaming convention and all want to go to different places. Have at you.
McG: Where the hell are you going?
Sprout: Don't you know I'm going to play Magic the Gathering?
McG: Why would you play that crappy Magic The Gathering?
Sprout: Where were you going to go, then?
McG: I was going somewhere?
Sprout: Don't you remember?
McG: ...No.
(Buzz)
(Enter Flitwick)
Flitwick: What's up?
Sprout: And where are you off to in this gaming convention?
Flitwick: Where do you think?
Sprout: Are you going to play that stupid Yu-Gi-Oh thing again?
Flitwick: What's wrong with Yu-Gi-Oh?
Sprout: What's wrong with your brain?
Flitwick: Do you not believe that I am constipated in my mind?
Sprout: What?!
Flitwick: Is that all?
Sprout ...Yes.
(Buzz)
(Enter Snape)
Snape: Who dares cross the path of Grangath, level 42 warrior?!
Flitwick: Is that you, Snape?
Snape: How can you see that it is me?
Flitwick: Why are you talking like that?
Snape: You don't recognize a level 42 warrior from Dungeons and Dragons?
Flitwick: Is that what it's called?
Snape: Am I right or am I right?
Flitwick: Are you?
Snape: Are YOU?
Flitwick: Are YOU?
Snape: Are YOU?
Flitwick: Ah, screw it. (Walks off)
(Buzz)
(Enter McGonagall)
McG: Was that Flitwick?
Snape: Do you dare cross the path of Grangath, level 42 warrior?!
McG: What are you doing, Snape?
Snape: What are YOU doing, McGonagall?
McG: Must you start this again?
Snape: ...Yes.
(Buzz buzz buzz)
(The four return to their seats, audience claps loudly)
Dumbledore: Brilliant! Snape, guess how many points you recieve.
Snape: 0?
Dumbledore: We'll let the audience vote on it!
(Many shouts of "ten thousand!" are heard, from the Slytherins of course. The Gryffindors try to outshout the Slytherins by saying "Zero!")
McG: It looks like they can't decide.
Dumbledore: We'll get the average of that. Let's see, 10,000 plus zero...
Sprout: Ten thousand.
Dumbledore: Don't interrupt me! (counts on fingers) Divided by two...
Flitwick: Five thousand.
Dumbledore: Ah, screw this math thing, let's just give him 10,000 points!
Snape: Humph. About time.
Dumbledore: But the points don't really matter, so there.
Snape: Foiled again!
Dumbledore: Now we'll move onto a game called Three Headed Broadway Star! This is for Snape, McGonagall, and Sprout. (The three mentioned move to their places.) You three represent a strange broadway star with three heads, singing a word at a time. And now we need a suggestion from the audience for an unlikely broadway musical.
Lupin: Dateless Hobos!
Dumbledore: A well-thought idea. Now we need an unusual song for this unusual musical.
Sirius: My Dog Gets More Dates Than Me!
Snape: Subtle hint, wouldn't you say?
Sirius: Don't make me come down there!
Snape: You can if you can rephrase that in the form of a question.
Sirius: Not fair...
Dumbledore: Okay, My Dog Gets More Dates Than Me from the smash Broadway musical Dateless Hobos. Take it away.
(Broadway music plays)
Snape: My
McG: Dog
Sprout: Gets
Snape: More
McG: Dates
Sprout: Than
Snape: Me!
McG: It
Sprout: Really
Snape: Is
McG: A
Sprout: Bummer!
Snape: For
McG: When
Sprout: I
Snape: Call
McG: A
Sprout: Chick
Snape: OR.
McG: Guy
Sprout: They
Snape: Laugh
McG: At
Sprout: Meeeeeee!
Snape: Get
McG: A
Sprout: Job
Snape: They
McG: Saaaaaayyyyyy!
Sprout: That
Snape: Hurts!
McG: It
Sprout: Really
Snape: Does!
McG: And
Sprout: My
Snape: Dog
McG: Is
Sprout: A
Snape: Gratified,
McG: Undeniable
Sprout: Pimp!!
Snape: That
McG: Absolutely
Sprout: Gratutious
Snape: BASTARD! (evil look toward Sirius in audience)
McG: Going
Sprout: Out
Snape: To
McG: Nightclubs
Sprout: Getting
Snape: Laid
McG: By
Sprout: Five
Snape: Chicks
Sprout: At
McG: Once!
Snape: Is
McG: That
Sprout: Even
Snape: Possible?
McG: What they teach you in health class...
All: SHUT UP!
McG: Sorry...
Snape: My
McG: Dog
Sprout: Gets
Snape: More
McG: Dates
Sprout: Than
Snape: Meeeeeeeeeee!
McG: Why
Sprout: Must
Snape: I
McG: Live
Sprout: This
Snape: Waaaaayyyyyyy?
McG: My
Sprout: Dog
Snape: Gets
McG: More
Sprout: Dates
Snape: Than
McG: Me!
Sprout: I
Snape: Think
McG: I
Sprout: Should
Snape: Have
McG: Him
Sprout: Spaaaaaaaaayed!
Snape: But
McG: Maybe
Sprout: Out
Snape: There
McG: In
Sprout: The
Snape: Ghetto
McG: I
Sprout: Will
Snape: Find
McG: A
Sprout: Guy
Snape: OR
McG: Girl
Sprout: That
Snape: Is
McG: Perfect
Sprout: For
Snape: Meeeeeeeeeeee!
McG: Gay?
Sprout: Kleptomaniac?
Snape: Alcoholic?
McG: Flatuelent?
Sprout: Who
Snape: Gives
McG: A
Sprout: Damn?
Snape: I'll
McG: Take
Sprout: Him
Snape: OR
McG: Her
Sprout: Anywaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!
(Buzz)
(The players go back to their seats)
Dumbledore: Wow, that was actually good. Sprout and McGonagall and Snape get 5000 points for that one.
Sprout: So together, I can have 15,000 points!
McG: That's not the way it works.
Snape: I should get the points! Do you know how many times I sang "Meeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Sprout: No, you said "OR" a lot.
McG: She's right. Besides, the points are mine.
Dumbledore: Stop fighting right now, or I'm going to give your points to Flitwick!
Flitwick: That would be much appreciated.
(McG, Sprout, and Snape all laugh)
Dumbledore: That is funny, isn't it? All right, let's move on to a game called Scenes From A Hat! (The players take their places) This, again, is for all four of you, but Flitwick starts.
Flitwick: All right, man.
Dumbledore: Before every show, we get suggestions from the audience on what they'd like to see. After a few shows, we have some good ones, and we toss them into the hat here. (Pulls up the Sorting Hat)
Hat: (singing) Oh, I am the Sorting Hat-
Snape: Don't sing, you shoddy piece of fabric!
Hat: (normal) I'm insulted.
Dumbledore: Anyway, start reading, Hat.
Hat: (Shuffling about and hiccups a notecard) "Potions That Didn't Quite Make It."
Flitwick: (Holding flask away from him) Ewwwwwww! Distilled Snape.
(Buzz)
(Enter McG)
McG: (Holds flask) Sham-poo.
(Buzz)
(Enter Sprout)
Sprout: Hmmm. REAL poo.
(Buzz)
(Enter Snape)
Snape: (Shakes air in a rough Flitwick size) I said Fire Whiskey, NOT Flitwick!
(Buzz)
Hat: "Rejected Weasely Candy."
(Enter McG)
McG: "Pop and Fizz: Oh, what a relief it is!"
(Buzz)
(Enter Snape)
Snape: "Sour Snapes: Looks just like me!"
McG: Tastes like you, too.
Snape: WHAT?!
(Buzz)
(Enter Flitwick)
Flitwick: "Midget Munchies: Short and sweet! Like me!"
Snape: That is the understatement of the century.
Flitwick: WHAT?!
(BUZZ)
Snape: Stop doing that!
Dumbledore: All right, I'll just-
(BUZZZZZZZZZ)
Snape: But-
(BUZZ)
Snape: Stop-
(BUZZ)
Snape: DAM-
(BUZZZZ)
Dumbledore: Nothing like a good healthy-
(BUZZ)
Hat: "Failed Wizard Pick-Up Lines."
(Enter Sprout)
Sprout: If yours is as big as my plants, then we can hit it off very well.
(Buzz)
(Enter McG)
McG: I know Severus Snape. (Raises eyebrows suggestively)
(BUZZ)
(Enter Snape, looking evilly at McGonagall)
Snape: I know Minerva McGonagall. (Raises eyebrows suggestively)
(BUZZZZZZZZ)
Snape: STOP THAT!
Dumbledore: But it's fun!
McG: Good call, Albus.
(Enter Flitwick)
Flitwick: My wand's not as tiny as you think.
(BUZZZZZZZZZZZ!)
Hat: "Worse Headmaster Ever."
Flitwick: (Italian accent) It's-a me-a! Mario!
(Buzz)
(Enter Sprout)
Sprout: (Pulls Snape over and proudly gestures to him)
(Buzz)
(Sprout leaves, Snape remains)
Snape: Hi, I'm Alan Rickman. How're you doing?
(Buzz)
Dumbledore: That was harsh.
Snape: But true.
(Enter McG)
McG: I'm Ellyndia McGovern III.
(Buzz)
(Enter Snape)
Snape: I'm The Helldragon.
(BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ)
(The crowd cheers)
Dumbledore: We'll be right back to find out who the winner is, so don't go away!
The Helldragon: HOW DARE HE INSULT ME!!!!!!!!!!!! (Breathes flame repeatedly)
Ellyndia: ARE YOU INSANE?! You'll torch the whole damn fiction!
The Helldragon: Sorry...but Snape is SO going to get 100 percent dragon-made whup ass!
Ellyndia: It's not Snape's fault you're a moron.
The Helldragon: He's WHY I'm a moron! And what about you? Are you absolutely delighted that McGonagall insulted you?!
Ellyndia: No, I'm pissed because you got to be Snape! I HAD to be McGonagall! (Spits in disgust)
The Helldragon: Honestly, pay them 100,000 bucks and they never let it go...
Ellyndia: I don't get it.
The Helldragon: (rolls eyes) You wouldn't.
Ellyndia: Can we plug our stories now?
The Helldragon: You philistine! We can't "plug" our stories!
Ellyndia: Why not? I thought that was the point of this fiction!
The Helldragon: Because, we must sneakily and craftfully weave the plugs into the fine web that is our tale, so that we leave a permament and lasting impression of our shameless promotion.
Ellyndia: Oh really? And how do you propose we do that?
(The Helldragon pauses.)
The Helldragon: READ MY STORIES NOWWWWWWWW! AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Ellyndia: (over the din that is The Helldragon) As always, a grand solution to any advertisement...
(Crowd cheers, and all is on stage save for Flitwick)
Dumbledore: Welcome back to Who's House Is It Anyway! Tonight's winner is Professor Flitwick! (Points to Flitwick at the desk) He gets to rest easy as we do...an Irish Drinking Song!
(Crowd cheers some more)
Snape: Of course, he had to be this tall to sing with us. (Holds hand close to his eye level) I'm so glad that-
(BUZZZZ)
Snape: I forgot about that...
Flitwick: Now I'M in control! (twirls around in the chair -- promptly falls off)
Dumbledore: All right, we're going to make up a song one line at a time. Now all we need from the audience is a Quidditch team everybody hates.
(Everyone save for the Weaselys shout "CHUTLEY CANNONS!")
Ron: HEY!
Dumbledore: Majority vote wins. Let's hear the We Hate Chutley Cannons Drinking Song.
(Music starts)
All: Oh ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee! Oh ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee!
Snape: The Chutley Cannons suck!
Dumbledore: They don't have any class.
Sprout: They've never scored a goal.
McG: Just fallen on their ass.
Snape: It's a miracle they exist.
Dumbledore: I'm surprised they've even survived.
Sprout: They eat out of trashcans
McG: And live where fungus thrives!
(laughter ensues; the Weaselys are booing, but no one can hear them)
All: Oh ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee! Oh ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee!
Dumbledore: But let us be a good sport.
Sprout: We should be civilized.
McG: We shouldn't bash a Quidditch team.
Snape: Who should be selling fries
Dumbledore: They have many hidden talents
Sprout: Like water polo and ballet
McG: But in the end we'll see them
Snape: And shout GET OUT OF MY WAY!
(more shouts; Weaslys are laughing, despite who they're talking about)
All: Oh ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee! Oh ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee
ayedee!
Sprout: And what's the deal with orange
McG: That graces their Quidditch frock
Snape: Were all the good colors taken?
Dumbledore: Who are they trying to shock?
Sprout: We know it's for the other team
McG: The brightness hurts their eyes
Snape: But they still manage to win
Dumbledore: And not get pulverized!
(the place is hooting-- the Weaselys want to do some magic to shut them up-- but Harry and Hermione and the parents are trying to shut them up)
All: Oh ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee! Oh ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee ayedee!
McG: But we have to love the guys
Snape: They're the only team we've got.
Dumbledore: They go out there and give their best.
Sprout: And endorse you on the spot
McG: They fly with British loyalty
Snape: Chuntey Cannons are their name
Dumbledore: And if they ever scored a goal.
Sprout: We would never be the same!
All: Oh aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye, oh aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee aye-dee AYE-DEE AYE-DEE AYYYYYYYE!
(buzz buzz buzz)
Dumbledore: That's it for Who's House Is It Anyway! Now we're going to have Sprout and McGonagall say the credits like they're discussing old boyfriends they hate. See ya!
Sprout: Dan Patterson is such a bastard, I'm telling you!
McG: Oh, but not as much as my fifth, Mark Leverson!
Sprout: What about Tom Bark? I heard he took all of your stuff except a donkey and a shoe.
McG: True, true.
Sprout: And let's not forget Bruce Gowers and Steven Blum.
McG: Such agony.
The Helldragon: Wow, Ellyndia, I didn't know you could write Irish Drinking Songs.
Ellyndia: (gay British accent) Well, I AM part British. These things come naturally.
The Helldragon: Don't you mean part IRISH?
Ellyndia: (normal) I was only in the country for three months! Don't contradict me!
The Helldragon: All right, time for some credits of our own.
Ellyndia: We have credits?
(playing Rare Earth in the background)
Producer: The Helldragon
Director: Ellyndia McGovern III
Starring
Severus Snape as himself
Minerva McGonagall as herself
Those other two people as themselves
Ian McKellen as the Hat
Lost In Space Robot as Albus Dumbledore
Sean Connery as the Cs
Guest Starring Rare Earth
And Viewers Like You-Thank You!
Episode 1 * Episode 2 * Episode 3 * Episode
4