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4
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Whose House Is It Anyway?
Episode 3: The Creative Juices Are Drying Up...
Ellyndia: Why did you write that?
The Helldragon: Because YOU wrote the first half of this thing.
Ellyndia: (Shakes a fist) Change it.
The Helldragon: All right...
Whose House Is It Anyway?
Episode 3: Pantyhose and Evil Corporations
Ellyndia: I thought I would never have to see that sentence.
The Helldragon: Just one of many pressing changes around here! (Looks at Ellyndia's section of the episode) I can see several more right now...
Ellyndia: Shut up!
Dumbledore: Goooood evening and welcome to "Whose House Is It Anyway," on tonight's show...
(camera on Flitwick)
Dumbledore: Up in the sky, it's a Professor Flitwick!
(camera on McGonagall)
Dumbledore: -- No- it's a Professor McGonagall!
(camera on Lupin)
Dumbledore: Wait! It's Professor Lupin!
(camera on Snape)
Dumbledore: And his trusty sidekick- Professor Snape! I'm your host, Albus Dumbledore. Let's go have some fun!
(Crowd cheers -- Dumbledore jogs down to his desk)
Dumbledore: Hello and welcome to "Whose House is it Anyway" the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter, 'cause in the end I just pick who I like best and they get to do a little something special with me.
(shot of McGonagall with fingers crossed muttering "Please be me, please be me")
Snape: When have I ever been his sidekick? (points to Lupin)
Lupin: Severus, remember what Dumbledore said at the beginning? "Everything's made up-"
Snape: "And what you say doesn't matter."
(oooooh from audience)
Dumbledore: Now children, play nice. Our first game is "Let's Make A Date."
(they go get stools and come downstage)
Dumbledore: McGonagall, you're on a dating show and you have to pick from our three bachelors. They, however, have a unique trait you have to guess.
(shot of the three looking in envelopes. Snape looks at his and looks at Dumbledore incredulously)
Snape: You have got to be joking.
Dumbledore: I just sit in the chair, Snape.
McG: (valley girl accent) Well, I know that after a long, hard day of turning hats into shoes, I like to sit and watch "Whose House?" (giggles, and flips her hair back in a suggestive manner). Tell me, Bachelor number one, what you like to do after a hard day.
Flitwick: (Words appear: IS BEING USED AS A QUAFFLE BALL) (looks into camera suspisously) I love the Chutley Cannons--hey, what are you doing here?
(acts like he's being hauled up by two burly guys)
Flitwick: Hey-wait- stop-
(he folds himself into a ball, and starts running around the stage, as if he's being thrown)
McG: My, you do lead an interesting lifestyle. Bachelor Number two, what are, like, some of your favorite hobbies?
Snape: (Words appear: GILDEROY LOCKHART) Well, I enjoy manicures, petticures, and spa treatments. (He crosses his legs and folds his hands daintly into his lap) I brush my hair at least 20 times a day, and when I'm not busy saving the world from all matters evil, I like to help my fellow man by giving out free autographs.
McG: I bet your signature is pretty large, isn't it?
Snape: (high, pretentous laugh) Oh my dear, you do know how to flatter a man.
McG: (giggles again) Oh, and bachelor number three-- same question.
Lupin: (Words appear: HAS JUST DRUNK A LOVE POTION) I enjoy a thorough drink of butter-
(the potion kicks in, and Lupin shakes for a bit. When he stops, he looks up and his eyes fall on--Snape. Lupin looks as if he was in heaven)
Lupin: Oh Lockhart-
(he grabs Snape by the shoulders)
Lupin: Take me!
(he does a full-on kiss with Snape--the audience roars.)
Snape: Now, I know you're not the first to fall before my charms but please watch the hair!
Lupin: (breathlessly) I don't CARE!
(He lunges for Snape- the two fall to the floor, struggling, Lupin trying to kiss Snape and not let go)
Dumbledore: (laughing up a storm) Okay, Minerva, can you guess?
McG: Well, like Flitwick is a...Snitch?
Dlumbledore: Close enough--Quaffle.
(the audience cheers)
McG: And...Snape is Gilderoy Lockhart. And poor Lupin drank a Love Potion!
(buzz buzz buzz!)
(The people go to their seats.)
Dumbledore: 10,000 points to Lupin for kissing Snape.
(Lupin is happy; Snape is disgusted, wiping his mouth and spitting)
Snape: Was that really necessary, Lupin?
Lupin: Oh come on-- you know you liked it.
Snape: (mutters) If we weren't here, I'd hex your-
Dumbledore: (loudly) OUR NEXT GAME is 90 Second Alphabet. This one is for Flitwick, Lupin, and McGonagall.
Snape: Letting me rest after my tramautic experience, huh?
Lupin: (as they go on stage) It wasn't heaven for me either, Severus.
Dumbledore: Okay-- In 90 seconds, you're going to perform a scene, each person's sentence
beginning with the letter after the one that preceded it. Now we need a letter.
Fred: T! For troll!
Dumbledore: T is good. The scene is: Lupin, you're the manager of a company. Your wife, McGonagall, has been sleeping with the up and coming youngster, Flitwick.
(laughter; Flitwick smile sheepishly)
Dumbledore: And....go.
Lupin: Tina! What were you thinking?
McG: Underneath all that he's all man.
Lupin: Veneral dieases? Hello?
McG: Woodrow isn't like that.
Lupin. Xylophones are fun! Hahaha!
McG: You're crazy--delusional!
Lupin. Zoos are too good for him. (calls) Wood-ROW!
(Flitwick enters)
Flitwick: (like the Fonz) Aaaaaaaaaayyyyy, there Mr. L!
Lupin. Be you sleepin' with my wife?
Flitwick: Can't I?
Lupin: (slaps head) D'oh!
McG: Ebenezer, I love him! (trys to hug Flitwick; has to bend down)
Flitwick: Fire me- I don't care. Tina loves me!
McG: Gee, I'd rather you not.
Lupin: Honesty, make up my mind for me, will you?
McG: (stands up) I don't want you if you don't have a job.
Lupin: Jesus! You mean you'll come back?
McG: Kangaroos couldn't keep me away. (she moves to Lupin- they embrace)
Flitwick: Lying to me, huh Tina?
McG: (smiles) Many men can't stand eye-to-eye with you, huh, Woodrow?
(OOH from audience)
Flitwick: (gets on knees) NO!
Lupin: Out Flitwick.
Flitwick: (crawls to them on knees) Please?
McG: (looks down at Flitwick) Queer.
Lupin: Really?
McG: Surely you didn't know?
(buzz buzz buzz)
(they go back to their seats)
Dumbledore: 50,000 points for Lupin--
Lupin: Thank you.
Dumbledore: But-- your points have been donated to charity.
(McG pats Lupin's back consolingly)
Dumbledore: Now let's move onto a game called Video Game Styles! This is for Snape, Flitwick, and Lupin.
Flitwick: Ah, great, I have to work again.
Lupin: You and me both.
(The three go to their places on the stage, Snape and Flitwick first, Lupin to the side)
Dumbledore: You three are going to act out a scene. You'll start off regularly, but then switch to acting in the style of several video games. Now we need some video games from the audience.
Harry: Resident Evil!
Ron: Pokemon!
Dumbledore: That's a good one.
Fred: Metal Gear Solid!
George: Super Smash Brothers Melee!
Dumbledore: All right, we have enough. The scene is, Snape and Flitwick are at the mall, shopping for a birthday present for Lupin, when he unexpectantly shows up. Take it away.
Flitwick: Hey, how about a CD player? His old one is busted.
Snape: I'm telling you, we get him pantyhose, he'll be eternally grateful.
Flitwick: Maybe... (awes at something) Ooh, how about we get him a nightstick?
Snape: Pantyhose.
Lupin: (walks in) Hey guys, whatcha doing?
Snape: Oh, nothing.
Flitwick: (hides air behind his back) Nothing at all!
(Buzz)
Dumbledore: Pokemon!
Snape: GASP! It's a rare Wolfguy!
Lupin: Grrr.
Snape: Go, Midget Man! Use your Shin-Kick attack!
Flitwick: Midget midge! (Runs over and kicks Lupin in the leg)
Lupin: OW! That hurts!
Snape: AUGH! It can talk!
Lupin: Yes! I am from the Death Eaters-I mean, Team Rocket, here to steal your pantyhose. Give them up now!
Snape: Never! Let's BATTLE!
Flitwick: Midge!
(Buzz)
Dumbledore: Metal Gear Solid!
Snape: WHAHHHHH! (Makes really stupid kung-fu poses)
Flitwick: (crouching) Stop that, Ninja! We're on a espionage mission here! That present is here somewhere!
Lupin: And I am here to stop you!
Snape: It's that Wolfguy! HYAHHHHHHHHH! (Does a super rapid-punch to the air)
Lupin: Uh, no, wrong guy.
Flitwick: Marik?
Lupin: Uh, yeah, I guess. I am Marik from the Death Eaters-I mean, Rare Hunters, hear for your Rare Pantyhose Destroyer card! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Snape: Sorry, I gave that to the Spy Charity Fund.
Flitwick: Maybe I can sneak under him! (And tries badly to sneak under Lupin.)
(Buzz)
Dumbledore: Resident Evil!
Snape: I'm telling you, you never should have opened that present.
Flitwick: How was I supposed to know it had the T-Virus? (Sees Lupin like a zombie) AHHH! ZOMBIE!
Lupin: Yes, I am the Nemesis from the Death Eaters-I mean, Umbrella Corporation, here to eat your brains. Which is probably made of pantyhose.
Snape: Flitwick doesn't have a brain anyway! KILL IT!
(The two proceed to unleash metal lead against Lupin, shooting various guns at him-Flitwick even tries a miniature flamethrower)
(Buzz)
Dumbledore: Super Smash Brothers Melee!
Snape: I am Ganondorf! And I will win this tournament and claim another guy's birthday present to be my own!
Flitwick: Pika pika!
Snape: Not another Pokemon...
Lupin: To win, you have to defeat me!
Flitwick: Pika?
Lupin: I was sent from the Death Eaters-I mean, Master Hand, to defeat you! I am Leg-olas, the first battle droid made entirely from discarded pantyhose! Now let's fight!
Snape: Warlock Punch! (Lupin and Snape fight, for real, while Flitwick watches amusedly. The buzzer is hit many times before all are able to calm down and return to their seats.)
McG: It was worth it just to see them fight.
Dumbledore: Let's see...7200 points to Flitwick for making a convincing Pokemon.
Flitwick: I didn't think you noticed.
Dumbledore: 23,000 points to Lupin for the use of "Death Eaters" and "pantyhose" in all four scenes.
Lupin: It takes naught but a genius to pull that one off.
Snape: And where would that genius be?
Lupin: Why you little-
Dumbledore: And before you start again, 50,000 points to Snape for beating up Lupin.
Snape: Now THAT'S a worthy cause.
Lupin: Or is it? (Starts to pretend-choke Snape)
Dumbledore: Please, fight AFTER the show when we can start a pool.
Snape: Odds-to-favorite right here. (points to himself)
Lupin: I think you're a little off on your aim. (Readjusts Snape's finger to point to Lupin)
(Snape now begins a poking war with Lupin)
Dumbledore: While we're waiting for that one to calm down, let's move onto a game called Duet. This is for Flitwick and McGonagall, since Lupin and Snape are obviously busy. (Dumbledore stands and looks about in the audience.) Now we need a victim.
Lockhart: OOH! ME!
Dumbledore: It's a good thing that Snape isn't singing. All right, come on, Gilderoy.
(Gilderoy follows Dumbledore to the stage like a puppy, ending up sitting on the stool. Of course, McGonagall and Flitwick are not too happy about it.)
Dumbledore: Now McGonagall and Flitwick are going to sing a song about Lockhart's abysmal desire for glory and fame-
Lockhart: What?
Dumbledore: -and they're going to sing to him in the form of that great song from the Producers, Springtime for Hitler! Hit it!
(Music starts for Springtime for Hitler)
Flitwick: Mr. Lockhart was having trouble, what a sad, sad story
McG: Need something to steal to keep his imitation glory.
Flitwick: Where, oh, where was he? Where could his memory be?
McG: He looked around and then he found a spell from you and me...
Together: And now it's amnesia for Lockhart and fun for me, everyone is happy and gay!
Flitwick: He's thinking at a slower pace...
McG: Look out, here comes his ugly face!
Together: Amnesia for Lockhart and fun for me, he is out of our way once more!
Flitwick: Come on, teachers, do your dance!
(All four players get on stage and dance in a line, Lockhart on the end. Many buzzes are heard among the cheering of the crowd.)
Dumbledore: We'll be right back to find out who the winner is, so don't go away!
Ellyndia: I probably could have written a better Springtime for Hitler Duet...
The Helldragon: But you didn't. You got the first two games, I got the other three. Notice the subtle change in quality.
Ellyndia: Yeah, as you go on, they get crappier.
The Helldragon: Aren't you supposed to be plugging your stories by now?
Ellyndia: Oh yeah! I forgot!
The Helldragon: That was expected...
Ellyndia: Shut up. Anyway, if you're reading this installment of Whose House Is It Anyway, we have to assume that you like our stuff.
The Helldragon: And I assume that you would like our other stories. So, as a gift, feel free to complain about this fanfiction.
Ellyndia: As well as any of our other fanfictions.
The Helldragon: For, without your negative support, then there wouldn't be any American ideals!
Ellyndia: And we know you all have patriotic spirit!
The Helldragon: No matter what backwater country you're from!
(Crowds cheers, all is on stage save for Professor Snape, Flitwick in the middle and the others to the side)
Dumbledore: Welcome back to Whose House Is It Anyway! Tonight's winner, Professor Snape! (Gestures to Snape at his desk) That's right, he is the Chosen One.
Snape: Pttttthhhhh (Sticks tongue out at Lupin)
Dumbledore: And as the Chosen One, he can crash for now while the rest of us play a game called...Party Quirks!
Lupin: Quirky.
Dumbledore: Flitwick is going to be hosting a party, and each of his guests have been given a strange quirk or identity that Flitwick will have to guess in the end. Snape will ring us in one at a time. All right, begin.
Flitwick: (Talking on phone) Look, I'll give you the ten thousand bucks on Thursday. No, I can't tonight, I'm hosting a party. Don't be TOO surprised. Whatever. I'll call you back.
(Ding dong)
Flitwick: And here they come. (Opens the door) Hey there, Lupin!
Lupin: (EXTREME KLEPTOMANIAC) Hey, Flitwick. (Pops the door off the hinges and throws it into a pile.) Nice house. I'm going to have to redecorate it, of course.
Flitwick: All right-what are you doing with my door?
(Ding dong)
Flitwick: Wow, my door still rings in the absence of a door. (Just walks over to the doorway, passing Lupin taking paintings from the walls) Hi, McGonagall, and welcome!
McG: (PROFESSOR TREWALNEY) It is not so welcome, He Who Is So Tiny. The moons of Uranus obscure your past, creating false promises and expectations.
Flitwick: Yeah, but I think they make a lotion for that.
Lupin: Hey, where's your silverware?
Flitwick: Down the hall... (Lupin goes in that direction, taking more things)
(Ding dong)
McG: GASP! The sounds of the Big Dipper call to you, He Who Is So Tiny! They intervine with the light of Jupiter in the third quarter, causing chaos to whomever you meet if you give them a pet tortoise!
Flitwick: That's just the doorbell. (Walks over to the doorway) Hey, Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: (KENNY FROM SOUTH PARK) (In squeaky voice) Hey, Flitwick! AHH! (Gets stabbed by many knives)
Flitwick: That's gotta hurt.
Lupin: Ooh, I think this cabinet will look nice in the den...(starts pulling it toward his pile)
Flitwick: If you wanted to redecorate, why didn't you ask me?
Dumbledore: Where's the Cheesy Poofs? AHH! (Gets electrocuted)
McG: Ah, my old friend, the alignment of Mars and Venus spell grave things for you...
Lupin: And some china would be good... (Starts to throw it to his pile)
Flitwick: All right, Lupin, stop breaking my china, and stop stealing my stuff, you kleptomaniac!
(Buzz)
Snape: Correct.
Dumbledore: I have to go to the bathroom...AAH! (Blows up like stepping on a land mine)
McG: He Who Is So Tiny, the orbit of the Sun about Earth gives me major munchies. Where are the appetizers?
Flitwick: They're over there, but Professor Trewalney, if you're looking for Miss Cleo, she's next door.
(Buzz)
Snape: There you go.
Dumbledore: I brought a CD! AHH! (Is gored by a spear)
Flitwick: Stop dying, Suicide Man!
Snape: Nope.
Flitwick: Hmmm, my greatest challenge ever.
Dumbledore: Now, where's that CD player...AHH! (Falls off a cliff)
Flitwick: (Holds hands to head) Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Snape: Exactly!
(Buzz buzz buzz)
Dumbledore: That's it for Whose House Is It Anyway! Now we're going to end the show with Snape berating the credits like new recruits in the army! Good night everyone!
Snape: You fairy boys make me sick! Tuck in that shirt, Dan Patterson! Mark Leverson, you'd better swallow that gum, you cheap piece of crap! Did you say something, Tom Bark? I thought not. Bruce Gowers! Steven Blum! You two shut up right now! All right, drop and give me twenty!!
The Helldragon: (In heavenly voice) And so endeth the third episode of Whose House Is It Anyway. All present at the glorious scene raiseth their collective voices in joy, for the vile pantyhose had been defeated, and the Death Eaters, who had joineth with Team Rocket, who had joineth with the Rare Hunters, who had joineth with the Umbrella Corporation, who had joineth with Master Hand, who had joineth with the Nazis, who had joineth with the Communists, who had joineth with the Facist, who had joineth with the secret society of Wedgie Wreakers-
Ellyndia: If there's a point, get to it!
The Helldragon: (regular) Fine! Damn, some people just don't appreciate creativity. (heavenly voice) All of the evil groups earneth a one-way ticket to the bowels of Hell, or a Tupperware party, whichever is the worseth. And when the celebrations had finished, it was Ellyndia who persuadeth the janitor to cleaneth the messeth upeth. And The Helldragon recieveth much money and chicks and booze and-
Ellyndia: Shut thy mouth before thy ass is ruptured into a million fragments by my foot!
helldragon: (regular) And so the message is clear. Read our fics or I'll keep talking all gay and stuff. Adios.
Episode 1 * Episode 2 * Episode 3 * Episode
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