My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Hosea 4:6

Manny and I went out to my car. As soon as we got in we both started talking. "I know he was there. I don't have proof that he was there, but I know he was." Manny asked over me "What kind of cigarettes does Steven smoke?" It took me a second to figure out what he had said, but when I answered him, and he tossed an empty pack of Steve's cigarettes at me. He said that every time he excused himself from the room, claiming it was too smoky, he looked around, and even went through her garbage. That was where he found all kinds of smoked cigarette butts of my husbands. He also saw that the shower had recently been used, but Jen had not taken a shower. I guess it was a good thing that I took Manny with me. Now I had all the proof I needed, not just my gut, but tangible proof in my eyes. And worse then that... in my heart.

We drove home talking. I tried to convince myself that I was better off without him. That my son was better off without him. Manny tried to console me with telling me what a great person I am, and how he cant understand what Steve sees in Jen. I knew he was saying what he thought he should to make this easier for me, but still, I clung to that. That became my basis for being better off without him. Because, well, obviously, he's an idiot. Here I am, a devoted wife, who packed up and left everything she ever knew to follow him in the Navy. I kept his home together by myself all those years he was out to sea. And he wants this little bimbo that's been married twice? OH! AND SHE SMOKES POT!!!! Yes! While we were there, and her and Kerry were talking, she pulled out a bong. Now, for those of you that may not know what a bong is... it's a glass pipe used to smoke marijuana. She also regaled us with a very amusing story of how she had been drugged one night while in a bar with her friends.

This is not sitting well with me. Steven is as straight and narrow as they come. At least the Steven I know. Here's an example of how straight. Remember I told you that my father is a unique person, of a unique generation? Well, my dad used to use heavy drugs. And Steven knew this. As a matter of fact, the first time Steven met my dad was when he was in jail. (Don't get the wrong idea about my dad... he's my daddy, and I love him dearly... he's just made a lot of mistakes.) Anyway, Steven took a very long time before he could trust my father enough to allow him in our home. He was always concerned that he would have some kind of drugs on him, and he wanted none of that in his home. This was way before he joined the Navy too. As for drinking, Steven and I have had the same old stale bottle of Malibu Rum for over 5 years. We don't drink. If we go out for a special occasion we might have A drink, but we never ever just go out to drink. So, this is who he wants, huh?

Again, I digress. Manny and I arrived back in Massachusetts at about 5:30 am. I dropped Manny off at his house, and told him that it was really irking me that they were sitting there feeling like they had fooled me. So I picked up my cell phone and called Jen's house again. I got the answering machine. I spoke in my sweetest tone of voice. "Jen, this is Toi. I just wanted to let you know, in case you were concerned, that we made it back to Mass okay. And also, regardless of what you and Steven think... I am NOT an idiot. I know Steven was there, and I know you lied to my face numerous times. He wants a divorce, he can have a divorce, but let me tell you this... it aint going to be pretty. I withdrew all of our money out of the bank yesterday. (I did because he had taken money out and I didn't have any other money for bills.) So, I am going to file bankruptcy today. So any plans he had for buying a house have just gone out the window. Bye bye, you have a nice life."

I said the thing about the house because when I had mentioned filing bankruptcy at Jens house, she said, "Oh, no, you shouldn't do that. That will ruin Steven's credit. That will ruin your credit. Neither one of you will be able to buy a house." I replied with "I'm not buying a house alone. I am perfectly content in my apartment." But that comment from her got me thinking.

So, I get home, and my father is up waiting for me. I rant and rave and *itch and moan. I'm going to rake Steven over the coals. He wants to walk out on me for another woman; he'll see what I can do! I was livid and there was no hiding it. My son woke up for school, and I got him ready. When he asked me where Daddy was I just told him that Daddy had duty. Jacob was used to that with Steven being in the Navy.

I called what family members that I could think of to let them know that Steven was in the very least, alive. I then went over to Steve's cousins house. We talked about there, and then her mom showed up, who is Steven's Godmother. We talked some more. Everyone was very supportive. They did not take sides, and I did not ask them to. They made sure that I knew that I would still be a part of the family, with or without Steven. That made me feel good.

Now, somehow, or another, I called Steven. I PROMISE you, this was not on purpose. I was using my cell phone to check my messages, and his cell phone number is only 2 digits off from mine. I must have been so used to trying his cell phone the day before that I just sub-consciously dialed his number. Imagine my surprise when he answered what I thought was my cell phone. I honestly could not comprehend why he was on the other line. "Steve?" "Yeah?" I stumbled over my tongue trying to explain how I didn't mean to call him. He was more civil than the last time we spoke, so I asked him if we could get together and talk. He said yes, but it had to be on neutral territory. He also said if he has even an inkling that there is anyone else around, he will leave... LOL... I think he was really paranoid about my fathers past.

We went to Applebee's, and neither of us ate. He talked, but honestly, I really didn't hear much. I was too stunned that I was sitting across from him and could not reach out and touch his hand, or rub his leg. He did say at one point that he didn't mean to say that he 'never loved' me. What he meant was that he never loved me the way that he should. And when he met Jen, he knew what 'true love' was. Can you see my tears falling? They are. Retelling this is killing me. He said she was his soul mate. He said he would be my friend, but that was it. He would always be there for Jacob, but not as my husband. My heart, which was already in a million pieces, broke into a million more. I believed him. Dang it, I believed him!

We left the restaurant and went to 'my house' to tell Jacob. We brought Jacob into daddy's game room and explained it to him the best we could. "You know how Ashley has her mommy in one house, and her daddy in another? Well, we are going to try this. He looked at us and said very matter of factly "Can we not mention this?" I told him that we had tried to live together, but it wasn't working (I felt like I was lying to him... I had never 'tried' to live with Steven, and this was a farce.) So daddy was going to go stay at Pepe's (pepay) house. I also told him that it would just be kind of like when daddy has duty. He would still be his daddy, he would be able to call him whenever he wanted, and daddy would come see him and take him out. That seemed to satisfy him, because his next remark was "Can I go to Toy's R Us now?" He wanted to go spend his birthday money. Steven said he would take him.

As soon as they walked out of the door I started crying. This was how my life was going to be. Standing at the second floor window, watching the man I love walk away with my son, with no thoughts of me. How many times can a broken heart break?

Many, many times, I'm afraid.

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