Been feeling kinda down these last few days. Sucks cause once im feeling down, i tend to go through this i dont give a fuck about anything stage. Like recently i've been eating horribly lately and havent spend much time at the gym like i use to. -=oT Which sucks because i know its bad and i still do it.. just dont seem to be in the mood to do anything. Ive been eatin very unhealthy too. Nuttin but junk food and shit. Oh BLAH! Not only that but the littlest things are like beginning to irritate me too. Wit all the lil things that are goin wrong, it tends to get to u a bit... i think lil by lil its beginning to get to me. Thinking about frens, family, love, finance, and of course my future. Maybe its about time i grow up n start thinking about my future? MAYBE! Sometimes in life u go and question everything u've done n wonder if theres anything else u can do? or should do? When i question myself, my answers are never regretful but more like...why havent i done it? Theres soo many things i want to do.... just seems to have a hard time gettin my foot through da door. But then again.. i think im too carefree sometimes that i dont try hard enuff. Then i have moments that it gets to me.. like rite now. Its hard when everything jes seems strange. I feel as tho i havent found my place wit myself. Not anymore. I use to feel at home and at ease wit my life, Everything was fine.. but now.. i feel a bit lost. Maybe that lil visit wit phuong n karen had a lil effect on me. Just seeing how they both has gotten their life together and i on the other hand have still hadnt done much. But then if i think it over.. ive alwaze been the wild one out of them.. the unpredicatable one. oh wells.... we'll see how far dis feeling will go.. if i dont snap out of it in a few days.. maybe i have to rethink how i am living my life.......
"Baby, what do you feel inside?
I try to find the answer when i look into your eyes.
These feelings are so hard to hide,
and everytime i look at you, I feel my heart cry.
Can't you see that all i want is for you to know,
How much i really need you, cause i love you so.
Rite now i can tell that in time you'll be near,
I have waited for the day that you will finally be here,
Tell me do we stand a chance at all?
or will you be a memory, living in my dreams, forever?!?
Do we stand a chance at all?
I know that love and destiny will bring the two of us together."
Its funny how it's only when u are going through some depress shit that everything u see or hear on TV or the radio, u can relate to. Don't u agree? I jes finish watching one of my favorite shows "Friends", and it jes hit me that... My relationship with Billy is soo much like Ross's and Rachels from the show. I know its crazy to even compare it to some sitcom on TV but its soo much like it. I can relate to soo much that everything those two on the show has been through. Times when I wanted to be wit Billy but couldnt find the heart to tell him .... or when he wanted to be wit me, but I'm already with someone else. And its a continuing thing that goes on between us that way. For the last three years at least. And now he's dating dis young girl, which ross from friends even did. Funny how it jes relates. Maybe its because im thinkin too much of it that im tryin to relate everything i see to my problems. Im sure it is! But hey, what can i say? Im a fool for love! No denying in that. And im a bigger fool for Billy. This on going miscommunication that we have going is beginning to drive me nuts. I think its time that he and I have a heart to heart conversation. The last time we did that, he couldnt say everything he wanted to because his new gf was holding him back. You honestly can't say too much if u already made da committment to dedicate urself to someone else. I can understand that because when i was with someone and we had a talk. I could never tell him how i really feel because i felt that i would be doing wrong to my man at the moment if i was to. You jes dont go tell someone else how u feel about them if ur with someone already. It jes sucks. Even tho ive never chated on Gary, in a sense i felt as tho i did. Because my heart was not wit him to begin with. Emotionally i cheated on him jes not phycially. One day, when Billy is free, and we get to sit down and have a lil heart to heart chat. Hopefully everything will be settled. And maybe... jes MAYBE, things will work itself out.
I wanna give my heart to you. Show me the way that you want me too.
I know for sure there's a place for us. I'm counting the days till I feel your touch.
You come to me when I dream at night. When I'm with you it will be so right.
If only you could see the love in my eyes. You would know that I'm on your side.
I'll be yours, you'll be mine."
~*What will I do until the day u come back to me?!? What will I do??*~
I feel like such a fool!!! -=*( How can i be so selfish n think of only myself? All i've been worried about these last few weeks was myself. Worried bout how i felt and shit bout the one i love. Not even knowing that he is going through some hard shit too. And come to find out, He's hurting soo much rite now and i didnt even know. I had to find out the hard way and now that it's been brought to my attention. I'm more hurt then ever. To know that he's in so much pain like dat. To see him say the things he says. Even if its not towards me, i feel the pain. Because i have been there before... i know the feeling. I've experienced it with him!! But jes to see him in so much pain hurts me sooo much. It makes me cry. I feel so stupid. Like i should fuckin pay more attention to him emotionally, as a friend. I never knew! I thought things were perfect with him n his girl. And now i jes feel horrible about them being apart. Horrible because i see how much hes hurting. Just to see him hurt like dat makes me hurt for him. Sometimes when u love someone, it hurts u wen u see dem hurt. Your sad when u see them sad... and u cry when they cry. Drives me insane that i cant do anything to make it better for him. I know dis sounds stupid.. but i hope his girl would get back wit him so he wont be in so much pain. -=*( I know... it sucks soo much for me *SNIFF* But i dunno.. i jes feel like such a fool. Am i stupid for wanting dem to get back together? I feel as tho i am... but i think im more hurt now dat i see him like dis... den i was wen i jes wanted him and knowing that he was happy. I was so happy for him even tho i was like dying inside... now its like twice da pain....jes to know he's sad makes my sky's grey. Sometimes when u love someone enuff, all u really want is for their happiness. *SNIFF* All i want is for him to be happy even if its not wit me. -=*(
I can't wait to go back to NY. I''m trying to figure out if my work would give me a few days to take off. If possible, I would be on a flight back to NY in less den two weeks. There's soo many people i want to see, and need to see, before they go for good. Mainly Billy. I feel as tho there's so much we need to settle. But honestly that is not y i want to go... i honestly hope nottin happens.. I'm even afraid to think about wat if.... but my fren mike today kinda brought up da subject and now it got me thinking.... AHHHH i dont know what i would do if anything goes down. I doubt it will but u'll never know. Knowing me, i'd throw my life away for him. And if he asked me to stay... even tho i know it'll only be for three months.. i'd do it in a second... no regrets...it wouldnt be the first time i'd dropped my life and everything i had goin for him.. and i'd do it again!! But i shouldnt even think about things like dat. I'd be happy jes to see him. Jes to see all my frens. And that really is da reason y i am going... its been over a year since i last saw them... and im due for another trip. Can't stay away from ny too long... its bad for the heart!! LOLZ As of rite now, I should not think too far ahead. I still need to have da days off before i can even book a flight. So... lets all hope i get the days off....I know u guys here in kali, are probably praying against me, because if i leave... da chance's of me coming back mite be very slim... but trust me..... guys... i do love and appreciate everything u've done for me. And i know u all worry about if i'd be ok. I know this trip is gonna make me very sad in the end either way the outcome comes, but its a chance im willing to take. Heartbroken or not, I'm taking it. Like ive alwaze said about my theory in life... I'll alwaze go and do what i feel at the moment because i will never live a life thinkin wat if. Even if you know its bad for you, sometimes..all u can do is chase ur heart.
Just got back from NY about an hour an half ago. Plane landed around one and arron came n got me. These last three/four days has been very exhausting. I know what most of u are thinking... that i said i was goin to new york in two weeks. Yeah, but u know me, i'm so unpredictable!! I felt as tho i had to go soon, so i booked a last min flight out the night before i went. Follow your heart and do as it's told. It's the only way to live a fullfilling life. Thats what i think. Even tho the trip was great. I am very sad to have left. But this was expected. Neitherless Im still happy that i got the chance to go. It was wonderfull seing my frens again. I came once again on Elaine's birthday. Two years ago, i did the exact same thing on the exact same date. Landed a surprise visit on elaine's birthday. It was good to see all my friends come out just for me. Even billy came out, which was suprisingly good. I figured he'd be out wit his chick or something. But good to see him try to take his time out to chill with me even tho he has such a busy schedule. I never got to the point wea i even spoke to him about my feelings. In a sense, i felt that was the right thing to do. As of right now, he only need a friend, with his dad jes being diagnos for cancer earlier today. I wouldnt want to put anymore stress on him. I see him stress pretty bad when i was there. I figure it was best to keep my mouth shut. In the end.. i think i did the right thing. In time i will have my chance. But for now, I am more then happy to be his friend. But back to the trip. It was sad to let them all go. Let the city go. But i did wat i must do. As hard as it was for me, Ive been fighting myself to come back home since the minute i landed. It was something i had to do. Billy drove me to the airport, which i thought was very sweet of him even tho he had other things to do. I was devastated that i had to leave. Gave him a last hug and a kiss on the cheek. What more can i do? I had to make is simple n short. Before i got water eyed and start sayin things i shouldnt. Before i even got on the plane i already missed everyone. By the time i got on the plane..... that very same feeling i had wen i left ny the very first time, when i left billy behind, came rushing back into me. I was sad to the point wea i teared. I felt hurt.. like i was leaving my heart here and jes forceing my body to be on this plane. Deep down inside, i knew i did the right thing and that is wat is keepin me going right now. I miss Everyone so much already. Especially you know who. But to my knowledge, i dont think he feels the same. I know his love is for another right now. which tears me up so much. Life has it weird ways of workin things out. All i can do is wait for it to work its magic with this............
I'm beginning to think i'm a fool for holding on to something I have no chance with. I'm beginning to get really tired of feeling this way, tired of wondering, and stressing off someone who will never ever be mine again. Why am i holding on to something that has already letting go of me? Is it truly because I'm still in love with him or is it because I'm just holding on to my past? Whatever the reasons may be, it's stressing me out like a BITCH!!. ARGGG!!! I can't take it anymore. I feel as tho im driving myself insane with all this nonsense. One day I'm filled with hope, and the next day, i'm down and seem to cant stop the tears from falling, weither im driving, or at work, or any time of day.. I'm just tired of feeling this way. Everyone now a days is stress over something, that i do know. And yes, my problems are lil or maybe even nothing compare to others. But i cant help wat eats me up inside. In life people will alwaze stress. I have my moments in life wea i live a stress free life. Yet i think that time has past. I've fallen back on to another downfall in life. I wish i could snap out of this. And im sure i will in the long run, but how much longer will i put myself through dis? Its like i know i can snap out of it if i wanted to. But da question here really is.... do i? Do i really want to snap out of it? Yeah i dont want to feel this way anymore, feeling hurt, and pittying myself. But at the same time, its like i refuse to give up hope, and in that sense... i cant do anything other then to hold on n take the pain. I guess das what happens when ur jes too stubborn. Which i defeinely am. *Sigh* I guess das what happens wen ur still "IN LOVE". Will he ever come back to me? Will i ever fill up this emptiness i feel inside? Will I ever get the chance to feel what love is once again? I'm just a simple girl who wants the same thing every girl wants. To have that very special someone be there for them, to hold, to comfort, and love. To have them appreciate me for who i am and to have someone love me as much as i love them. Just for once, have that little tinkly feeling inside fill up my body once again. Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is, maybe its not I think im a fairly decent person. I dont ask for too much. Just the simple things in life. Is that so bad? Do i not deserve to be loved? I've never been the type who wanted much. All i ask is for that one person to maybe open up his heart and let me back into his life.
I NEED TO FUCKIN STOP!!! I hate myself for pullin myself into a deeper hole then i'm already in! ARGGGGH!! Y do i keep reading and asking if all i do is get hurt at everything i see or hear. Im so fuckin STUPID!!!