"Have you ever had to question your own sanity? and to find out that you are as sane as the next? Only you wish you "WERE" insane. That way, it'll be the answers to all your questions."
Thu T.
SUBJECT: LOVE
"What is love?" That's the question everyone seems to want to know. But if they find the answer. Does it neccesarily mean they will find it? Love is some complicated shiet. You'll never know when it'll hit, and when it does, trust me, it'll hit u Hard. People say, in a lifetime.... you will fall in love at least 3 times. To me, that's 3 times too much pain. If love is so great why do so much pain comes along with it? And if so, why do people still spend their entire life looking for it? These are the questions i need to ask myself. After all the times i've been hurt, something inside of me don't seem to want to stop the search. Maybe it's my sense of lonliness. Maybe i jes long to have that special someone be here for me the way i am toward them. But what are my chance's of finding that special someone?!? Everyone i seem to be even nearly interested in, comes to find out something wrong with them. Maybe i'm just picky. But then again, y not? Why waste my time with someone who's wrong? I'm not out to change a person to who i want them to be. I want to love that person for who he is. In a sense, I'm happy alone,. This has been the longest time i've ever been single witout even dating one guy. Funny thing is... i had chance's to go date. But i chose not to. I don't think i should be looking. If love comes it comes. If not then its good to be alone and handle what i need to take care of within my life right? Love...........is it out there?
SUBJECT: Septemper 11, 2001 Journal Entry
A Year ago today, I wrote........
9-12-01 1:30 AM
A Tragic day going down in history!!! This morning (Well, yesterday now, since it's past midnnight) terrorist atacked the world trade center in NY. Both buildings were hit by planes that were hi-jacked. It only took 45min - 1 hr before both building callapse. It makes me sad to see such thing, such hatred!!! I mean espcially to innocent people who didn't do shit. I woke up to a phone call from Van this morning at 9, telling me to call the boys and make sure they're ok. Because the world trade center got bombed. Of course after I hung up the phone with her i checked the news on my cell. That's when I heard about the two planes. It was so depressing watching the whole thing caught on tape. Seeing people jump out of windows trying to escape fires. I'm worried about Norman. Norman is this guy Van dated for a bit while in NY. He worked on the 47th floor in one of the buildings. Me and Van lost contact with him so long ago. We don't know how else to try to contact him and see if he made it out safe, if he's ok. Van say's she got a gut feeling that he didn't make it. But me, I guess you can say i think more positive. I heard on the news that a lot of people did make it out. They had almost an hour to evacuate. So i think he made it, or at least i pray he did. I wouldn't want his daughter Tiffany to be left witout a father. Her mother is already out of the picture and tiffany was such a sweetheart. I hate a lot of kids, mainly other peoples kids. But Tiff was the first kid i liked. She was smart and mad kute. Norman was mad kewl too. I didn't like what Van did to him but that's her life. I can't force her to stick with him if she didn't want to. I dunno. I just hope eveyrhting is kewl. To think.... just a few months ago me, mikey, harley and phuong was all up in the world trade taking pictures and all., and now the building doesn't exist anymore. It's such a shame. It kinda hits me hard. I mean thats a part of NY, without it.. it just dont seem right . It's not NYC without the twin towers. The tallest buildings in the city. Everyone keep telling me how lucky i am that i just came back just in time. Phillip was sweet and called me to check up and see if i was ok. Not knowing that I jes got back to kali a week ago. Everyone is right.. I am lucky!! I came back to kali just in time.
STATUTORY RAPE!! Some see it as rape, some see's nothing wrong wit it. In my eyes, I think anyone who's anyone would be smart enuff to realize being with a under age minor is a wrongful thing. Weither or not they have the minors consent. To be the older adult in this situation, you should realize that the child is still only... A CHILD. To take advantage of a childs innocence and ignorance is sick to the brain to me. To think you can go around and date someone so young. You being the adult should understand and know what its like for a child growing up at that age. Confused, lookin for attention n love. Yet they are still young and naive. they have so much more to learn, so much more time to change, and realize what life is all about. If that child say dey love u and u honestly believe it. It makes you the fool. Ur insecurity has taken its final toll. For u have let it taken over any sense of intelligence in u. U know that child will do as u say, love u the way u want them to, and give u the attention u want, only because that kid does not know any better. You tell me what does a child know about love for another? They are confusing love with infatuation. I once was a child who thought she was in love. But after i've grew up n realize what true love was. I look back n realize it was all infatuation. But not once have i or will i ever date or even think of dating someone so much younger then me. Why is there so many people in this world who lack morals? What is wrong wit this planet if a full grown adult can try to sleep wit a 15 year old child and think there is nottin wrong wit it? Its not a age gap that i have a problem wit. I can understand if its a 21 year old is dating a 27 year old. Both are full grown adults. But for example a child of 15 with a 21 year old is a big difference. The kid is not mature enuff to know any better. Plus what a 15 year old should be focus on is school, not screwing an older man. Dont get me wrong... if anyone disagree's wit my opinion.. please do. I do not expect everyone to see things my way. That is why i say "MY OPINION". IF that one person who i am referring to do end up reading this (and u know who u r)... i would like to say i appologize if u get offended on my beliefs. But it is how i feel and i am not gonna back down from wat i believe is right. I know there is nottin i can do about it and i am not tryin to change anything. I feel as though ur an adult, even u make mistakes.... and u need to realize it for urself one day that it is not rite to rob a child from their childhood. I am sorry if u are gonna hate me after u read this but i only ask of one thing..... u ask people to respect u and let u live ur life, let u learn on ur own, and let u think the way u want even if they disagree wit ur lifestyle, jes stick by u as a fren. I only ask of the very same. That u respect my opinion and not take it againts me. For i am not takin it against u even tho i disagree wit ur actions to the fullest extent!. I still would love ur frenship and hope that dis will not change anything.
Dam i'm so fucking bored!!!! It's a sunday and for once i dont have work, but shit, i have nottin to do. I was thinking of goin to the beach but im sure its over crowded as hell over there rite now, and i cant stand over crowded place's. oh wells, maybe its a good idea to sit at home for once. It's been awhile since i've had extra time to jes sit at home n relax. Being that i work 6 days a week majority of the time and the only day off i get, i usually had arrons to run or someshit like that. OH wells. Lets change the subject. What to say wat to say..... hmmmmmmm.. oh blah.. for once i aint got shit to say... lolz.
How do u know if ur still in love wit someone from ur past? Try n try as u mite, but in the end. the only person u tend to think of is that very same person. Only he, pops in ur head wen u think of someone special. How do u learn to move on when ur heart dont want to? How do u continue ur love life when all u do is live it in the past? And the most important question of them all...... how do u confess ur love to someone who have already moved on? Or so he say he has. What is a girl to do? In life everyone makes mistakes. N i've made my share, trust me on that. Even tho things are not the way i want them to be, i can honestly say i dont regret anything i have done. Ive learned from every lil mistke ive made and that is the most important part. But have i learned to love and express my feelings sooner maybe i would not be in dis situation. Now its a lil too late.. only thing i can do is wait for the future. In hopes that things will get better. Have u ever felt that u are destin to be wit someone? I have.... with that one person, for some reason.. with all the things that has gone wrong between us, i still have this gut feeling he is the one... the one i will end up wit in the future. and everyone else who has come after him had never measured up to that. As much as i try to move on, it never worked.... in the end.. he is the only person who comes to mind. He is the only person i would change my whole life around for, and yes he is the only one i've really truly loved. Y didn't i confess to him sooner i dunno. I finally got tired of waiting, tired of hoping he would open up his eyes and realize. Hoping he would see everything ive done for him. But sometimes... guys jes need to be told... they are blind as a bat!! YES! I confessed to him my love yesterday and i question myself if its the right thing to do? Such bad timing. But at the time i figure.. either now or never. -=oT All i hope for is that while he is gone, he will think things over and maybe soon. understand wea i am coming from. In the end... i know we will be back together.