Inuyasha vs. Japan

Part Two - Miroku, Attorney at Law
special thanks: lunarJ

Inuyasha literally has to close his gaping mouth when the monk known as Miroku is announced as his attorney. Inuyasha's fate depends upon the wit and intellect of a man who can't stop thinking about creating offspring with women for more than five seconds.

Inuyasha: You?

Officer #3: You? You're the guy that we kicked out of the booking office.

The officer shakes his head.

Officer #3: For the past 30 minutes, every time we brought in a pretty young female perp, this guy would always ask if he could frisk the suspect.

Miroku: I was merely offering to lend a hand.

Kagome: Yeah, lending a hand to grope some woman's butt.

Miroku: Let's put that behind us, shall we? The most important thing is securing the freedom of my client. Inuyasha, you will be arraigned before a grand jury tomorrow. I want you to plead "not guilty."

Inuyasha: Duh! Like I'd admit that I was guilty.

Miroku: The judge will decide if there is enough evidence to put you on trial. Since there is enough evidence, that�s a no-brainer.

Kagome: Then what?

Miroku: Then the jury will be selected. I have an idea to have that work in our favor. But I'll keep that to myself for the time being.

Inuyasha: Listen, Miroku. Please...you've got to get me out of here. I don't want to go to prison.

Officer #3: Look at that long silky hair...they�ll LOVE you in the big house, if you catch my drift.

Inuyasha: AHH! Miroku!

Miroku: Do not worry. You're my friend, Inuyasha. Your freedom is my #1 concern at the moment.

Just then, a pretty policewoman in a miniskirt walks past while carrying some papers. Miroku's eyes are drawn to her haunches like a moth to a candlelight.

Miroku: Whoa...

Inuyasha: I'm screwed.

The next morning, Inuyasha's arraignment goes as Miroku thought it would. Inuyasha spends the next two weeks in solitary confinement until the time for his trial. At the end of the two week period, preparations for the trial are made.

It is a bright and sunny day. Kagome is dressed in a nice formal black dress. Her mother is dressed in similar attire. Sota and Grandpa are sporting formal wear, including red and black neckties, respectively. The Higurashi family reach the courthouse, which is covered by reporters and journalists. One sticks a microphone in Kagome's face as she walks up the stairs.

Reporter: Rumor has it that you are the defendant's girlfriend. Is this true?

Kagome: Uh, no comment!

A long black limousine pulls up. Miroku exits from the back, dressed in a full Armani suit and wearing dark sunglasses. The media flocks to him.

Miroku: Please, please. There will be plenty of time for questions after today's proceedings.

He winks and points to a woman reporter.

Miroku: Call me later, babe.

Kagome lowers her head and enters the courthouse with her family. They take a seat behind where the defense would be positioned. Kagome looks over to the prosecution area and sees no one. Miroku enters and sits down at the defense table. Inuyasha is escorted inside by three officers. He is confined in a straight jacket. A thick brown muzzle covers his mouth. They sit him down next to Miroku. Kagome looks worried.

Kagome: Inuyasha? Are you all right?

Inuyasha: You always ask that question when you damn well know that I'm not all right!

Kagome: You're such a grump...hey! Who's the judge for this case? And the jury? And the prosecutor?

Miroku: I don't know anything about the judge. But the prosecutor is a man named Tokuyama. About the jury...Inuyasha is supposed to be tried before a jury of his peers. Since he isn't from this era, none of his peers are technically here.

Inuyasha: Yeah? And?

Miroku: I made a deal with the government. All 12 jurors must be from the feudal era. In exchange, we are not allowed to challenge the choices made.

Kagome: You're kidding?

Miroku: Nope...here they come.

The door to the jury deliberation room opens. The first juror is the female wolf demon Ayame.

Kagome: Ayame? She's very nice, so that's a good start.

The next two are Ginta and Hakkaku, Koga's two friends. Inuyasha's eyes widen.

Inuyasha: Three wolf demons? Please don't let the next one be Koga, please don't be Koga! Please, please, please!

Enter Koga.

Inuyasha: DAMN!

Koga: Hey there, mutt! What's with the cage over your mouth? Is it supposed to keep the bad breath from escaping?

Inuyasha stands up and Miroku drags him back to his seat.

Miroku (whispering): He's one of the people you're supposed to convince of your innocence. Pummeling him won't help you, will it?

Kagome (whispering): Besides, it's not easy to fight Koga while wearing a straight jacket.

Inuyasha: FEH!

Juror #5 is the kindhearted giant Jinenji. Following him is the drunk named Mushin. Next is Sakura, the man with a woman's name. #8 is Hachi, Miroku's raccoon dog pal. #9 is Hayakage the ninja salesman.

Inuyasha: WHAT?! He's a killer! Why don't they lock him up?

Kagome: He didn't commit any crimes in this era, so I guess he's immune to our laws.

Juror #10 is Kagura, the wind sorceress.

Inuyasha: This is ridiculous! She's worse than the ninja!

Miroku: Be quiet.

No one can see juror #11 too well, but it is Myoga the flea. The final juror enters and she is Sango.

Kagome: It's Sango! This should be more fair than you thought, huh Inuyasha?

Inuyasha: Shut up.

Jaken enters from the opposite side of the court as the jurors get seated. Inuyasha's team starts to sweat nervously.

Jaken: Everyone please rise for the judge.

Miroku: Oh no...if Jaken is here...that means...

Kagome: No way, is Sesshomaru the judge?

Inuyasha: I want to go home!

Sesshomaru stands next to Kagome. He is a spectator and nothing more. Inuyasha and the others breathe a sigh of relief. Rin joins Sesshomaru with a coloring book clutched in her right hand.

Rin (singing): La-la-la, me and Lord Sesshomaru together forever, la-la-la...

Sesshomaru: ........

Jaken: Everyone rise for the judge, the honorable Judge Judith Sheindlin.

Everyone gasps in shock. Judge Judy enters and looks at the bug-eyed crowd.

Judy: What are you idiots gawking at? Sit down!

Everyone sits down.

Kagome (whispering): Judge Judy is a coldhearted judge from America. She is very hard to please. This will be tough, Miroku.

Inuyasha: But she's a woman. Miroku, don't be lecherous towards her. You got it?

Miroku looks long and hard at Judge Judy.

Miroku: Yuck...you don't have to worry about that.

Judy: You! The pretty boy next to the nutcase! Zip it!

Miroku gets quiet.

Jaken: Case #115, Inuyasha vs. the people of Japan...

Judy: Where the hell is the prosecution? The trial is getting ready to begin and there's no prosecutor.

Jaken: Well, M'Lady...

Judy: Cut that "M'Lady" business out right now. Is that OK, Yoda?

Jaken: My name is Jaken...

Judy: You're short and green like Yoda. Your name is Yoda.

Jaken: Sorry. Tokuyama-san, the prosecutor for this case, was found dead this morning.

Inuyasha: YES! That means I can leave, right?

Judy: You shut up! I don't know you, but already I don't like you. Talk without my permission again and I'll shove this gavel where the sun doesn't shine.

Jaken: We have a replacement prosecutor though.

The lights in the courtroom get dim. A cold chill runs down everyone's spine. Children start to cry, including Shippo (who is seated near the back with Kaede).

Miroku: I don't like the feeling that I'm getting.

Kagome: Scared?

Miroku: No, the breakfast burrito I ate isn't agreeing with me...

Kagome sighs. The main doors of the courtroom fly wide open. Kanna is standing at the doorway, holding her sol-stealing mirror. She steps aside and Naraku appears. Dressed in a sharp and very expensive suit, the villain smirks at Inuyasha. On his right side is Kohaku. He is formally dressed as well. Naraku sits down at the prosecution desk. Kohaku pours glass of lemonade and hands it to Naraku.

Kagome (whispering): Inuyasha, Naraku sent that Kasai woman to frame you...

Miroku (whispering): ...and then he killed the prosecutor so that he would be the one to put you behind bars for good.

Naraku: My apologies, Ms...Judy, isn't it? I would have been here sooner, but I always go for a dramatic entrance whenever I get the chance.

Judy: Whatever. Let's get this show on the road. Make your opening argument. NOW!

Naraku stands up and addresses the court.

Naraku: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, humans and demons, and people like Inuyasha...

Inuyasha growls.

Naraku: ...we are gathered here today to ensure that justice is served. This...thing...ended many lives with his premeditated and evil plot that he initiated weeks ago. Don't let his dopey appearance fool you. Underneath that silver hair is the mind of a cunning assassin...

Sesshomaru: Ha ha ha..."cunning assassin"...

Judy: Hey! You with the dead fluffy animal on your shoulder! Be quiet or I'll throw you out of here!

Sesshomaru grabs Tokijin, but Rin stops him from attacking.

Rin: Please don't, Lord Sesshomaru. She's just a mean old lady who has no friends or loved ones so she hides her sadness by putting up a hard shell of aggression.

Judy: ......

Sesshomaru nods. Miroku stands up and is ready to deliver his opening statement.

Miroku: Inuyasha didn't do it.

Miroku sits back down. Inuyasha and Kagome stare at him in disbelief.

Inuyasha: Yep...I'm screwed.

TO BE CONTINUED

With Inuyasha's freedom on the line, Miroku will have to outwit the clever Naraku as the witnesses take the stand. Can Miroku clear Inuyasha of all the charges? And what happens when the real bomber, Kasai, makes her appearance in the courtroom? Next time on INUYASHA VS. JAPAN..."The Red Menace!"