Jerry Springer Show: Naraku
The standing audience of the Jerry Springer show is cheering and
applauding as the show begins. They chant Jerry's name repeatedly. However,
the host of the show is not in attendance. Everyone takes a seat.
From a large monitor on the back wall, Jerry's face appears. Due to all
of the mishaps he has been in, his head is all that remains of his body.
Jerry's head needs constant moisture, so it is submerged in an
aquarium. Yes, there are tropical fish swimming around with him in this
aquarium. He doesn't mind it too much. His head has special waterproof
wires attached to it. They lead to some machinery that keeps him
alive.
Jerry: Thank you, thank you. *blub blub* The topic of today's
show is �Rebellious Children�. Parents with out of control kids come
here to get some help. *blub blub* I'll see what I can do. Our first
guest has been here before. Please welcome Naraku.
Naraku struts onto the set. He looks around at the audience and sits
down in a chair. Naraku smiles when he sees Jerry in the fish tank.
Naraku: Springer...what the hell happened to you? And why
aren't you here live?
Jerry: Let's see...*blub blub* The first time you guys were
here, I was blasted into pieces by Inuyasha. The second time, I was
burned alive by Jaken. I'm not taking any chances, so I am live via
satellite from an undisclosed location. *blub blub*
Naraku: The screen says "Live from Las Vegas".
Jerry: *blub blub* But I'm in Cleveland...
Naraku: Idiot. The screen doesn't say anything. Thanks for
revealing your location to me.
Jerry: Damn it! *blub blub* Well, what brings you onto my show
today?
Naraku: My children are getting on my nerves. Well, my
firstborn, Kanna, is the only one that I can stand. She is loyal, obedient,
and the best of the group. The others...well...
Jerry: I see. Let's bring out your second daughter. *blub
blub* Ladies and gentlemen, here's Kagura!
Kagura walks from backstage. She waves her fan around and sits across
the stage from Naraku. Jerry smiles.
Jerry: The last time you were here, you were placed in a
relationship with that Sesshomaru guy. How's that working out for you? *blub
blub*
Kagura: It's...fine...
Jerry: It doesn't sound fine. What's wrong?
Kagura: He's great except for two things. One, he doesn't talk
much. Two, he is not very romantic.
Jerry: Then how is he great?
Kagura: Just
look at the man and you'll understand.
Kagura sighs and blushes. Naraku raises an eyebrow and yells at
Jerry.
Naraku: I don't care about her love life!
Jerry: Yeah, Sesshomaru's a jerk anyway. *blub blub* Let's get
to the real reason why Kagura's here.
Naraku: She's rebellious. Kagura NEVER listens to me! She's
always running away and trying to kill me and doing drugs...
Kagura: I don't do drugs!
Naraku: Wait...that's Hakudoshi. My apologies. But you are
still a rebel.
Kagura: What about you? You threaten my life every day!
Jerry: Really? *blub blub* How so?
Kagura: He has my heart, literally. And he'll crush it if
I--
Naraku: LIAR! She's lying!
Kagura: $%#@! I'm telling the truth! He's the worst father in
the world! You'd be a rebel too if this %^&*#$ was your father!
Jerry: Calm down. Now, Naraku...what about your other children?
*blub blub*
Naraku: Three of my sons are dead. Four if you count
Muso...which I don't.
A fish swims around and plays with Jerry's hair. It irritates the host
quite a bit.
Jerry: Would you quit it? *blub blub* I'm very sorry for your
losses, Naraku.
Naraku: I could care less about them.
Kagura: See what I mean? Would a good father say that?
Naraku: Silence! I have two more sons. One�s a baby. He's
with a sitter now. The other one is backstage...I hope he is, anyway.
Jerry: Ah, yes. Let's bring out Hakudoshi.
There is a long delay before Hakudoshi walks slowly onto the stage. He
is eating one of the free donuts from the green room. Hakudoshi sneers
and sits down in between Kagura and Naraku.
Hakudoshi: I don't do drugs, Dad! That's Kanna!
Naraku: No she doesn't! My Kanna would never do that!
Hakudoshi: Look at her! She acts like she's had her brain
removed, man! Those things messed her up bad!
Kagura: She must be on something if she loves a ^%@#$ like
you!
Hakudoshi and Kagura both laugh at their father. Naraku clenches his
fist.
Naraku: Just wait until we get home.
A man appears at Jerry's location. He sprinkles some food into the
tank to feed the tropical fish. Jerry is happy since the annoying fish
has decided to stop bothering him to eat.
Jerry: Yes... *blub blub* How is Hakudoshi a rebel?
Naraku: He says one thing to my face and then does another
behind my back. Example: he tells me that he will help me kill Inuyasha.
The next thing I know, he's plotting with that baby to kill me.
Jerry: The baby is bad too?
Naraku: Yes! All of them, except Kanna.
Kagura: ...who is on drugs...
Naraku: SHE'S NOT ON DRUGS, DAMN IT!
Jerry: We can test Kanna. Bring her out. Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Kanna.
Kanna creeps her way to the spotlight, clutching her mirror. She sits
next to her father. Naraku pets her on the head. White dust flies up
from her hair. Naraku can't believe it. Hakudoshi and Kagura snicker
with glee.
Kagura: HA HA HA! That's why she's so white! She's covered
in--
Naraku: NO! It can't be! Kanna! Say it isn't so!
Kanna has a dazed look on her face. Her head bobbles for a bit and she
tips forward. She now lays against the floor. Paramedics pick Kanna
up and take her back to the backstage area.
Hakudoshi: This is great...ha ha ha...you're really teaching us
a lesson, pop.
Naraku: You...uh...SHUT UP!
Jerry: *blub blub* I was wondering about something. You have
all of these children. *blub blub* Where is their mother?
Naraku: They have no mother. I gave birth to them all.
Everyone in the audience is stunned.
Jerry: Are you a hermaphrodite? Wow, we need to have you back
on here when we do our next show about that. Chances are, that'll be
tomorrow.
Naraku: I'm not a herma--hephro--heffa---whatever you said. I
created my children from a part of my body. They are my
incarnations.
A guard holds up a microphone for a man in the studio audience.
Man: If these kids had a mama, this wouldn�t be happening. I
bet their mama would whoop them too. That'd set them straight.
Hakudoshi: %$@# you, man! Come whoop me! Come whoop me,
man!
The man slips past the guard and makes it to the stage. He fights with
Hakudoshi. Several punches are thrown, but few hit their intended
targets. More guards storm the stage to separate the two of them. The
crowd chants "JERRY! JERRY!" at a fever pitch. The man is taken away and
Hakudoshi straightens his clothes and sits down.
Kagura: Ha ha! You got beat up!
Hakudoshi attacks her now. They exchange blows back and forth and
security once again has to separate Hakudoshi from a fight. The crowd
restarts the "JERRY! JERRY!" chant!
Jerry: They even fight each other! *blub blub* What a bizarre
family...
Naraku smiles and points at the monitor.
Naraku: Look behind you.
Jerry: Um...
Just then, Sesshomaru and Jaken appear behind Jerry. The host is
frightened beyond belief.
Jerry: SESSHOMARU?!
Sesshomaru: I thought I heard you call me a jerk a few minutes
ago.
Jerry: How did you find me?
Jaken: Lord Sesshomaru's sense of smell cannot be beaten! He
tracked your aroma here, human!
Jerry: Is it too late to apologize? *blub blub*
Sesshomaru: The concept of "mercy" is one that has escaped my
comprehension for years.
Jerry: *blub blub*
Sesshomaru grabs an electric lamp and drops it into the fish tank.
Waves of electric current fill the water and zap all of the contents
inside. The fish are fried and so is Jerry.
Hakudoshi: Whoa! Sweet!
Naraku: As much as I hate Sesshomaru, I must admit that is
amusing.
Kagura: That's one of the many reasons why he's great.
Sesshomaru stoically looks at her, nods, and leaves. Jaken grabs a
cooked fish and eats it as he follows Sesshomaru.
Jaken: M'lord! Can we stop for some tartar sauce?
In the studio, Naraku and his kids all laugh at Jerry's misfortune.
Naraku: You know, when we all take pleasue in someone else's
pain, we can actually get along like a real family.
Kagura: You're right...our problems are solved!
Hakudoshi: Thanks Jerry!
Jerry's charred head floats around in the boiling tank.
Jerry: ...uh...don't...don't mention......it...*blub blub*
THE END