Howard Stern Buzzin'

Mrs. Margaret Janison of Leveland Texas claims that a moldy piece of pizza she found while cleaning out her refrigerator has an image of radio personality Howard Stern's face. She also claims that she "hates the guy" and "never was a stinking fan" of the famous radio shock-jock. Analysis of the pizza chemistry by a local university revealed nothing unusual about the chemical makeup of the pizza. In fact one professor said that the pattern resembled the local dean more than Mr. Stern.

Mrs. Janison also claims that her shower drainage system repeats the chant, "ba-ba-boey ba-ba-boey," which is associated with the producer of Mr. Stern's radio show. University analysts say they could not re-create the sound during attempts to discover the nature of the sounds. Mrs. Janison's neighbor says the drain sound is actually closer to "blug-blug-bloogy," rather than "ba-ba-boey." Mrs. Janison believes that Stern show members have rigged her house with pranks because "Mr. Stern hates ugly house women. My sister is attractive and she never had Stern problems." The university experts believed that the resemblances to Stern paraphernalia was likely coincidental.

A representative of the Stern show was contacted regarding the pizza and drain claim. The response was that there was no formal plan to "prank up" non-fans or "ugly house women," however, the representative did not deny possible pranks by fans. He said that pranks were likely the cause and not coincidence. (J.I.H. News, A3-3901)

Click cow to hear the subtle clues
to the beginnings of Mad Cow disease.
(125k .WAV audio format)

The Best Lessons In Life I Learned From My Dog

• Perk your head up every few minutes to make yourself look useful
• Place your mess next to someone else's to hide or confuse the blame
• Acting tough is more useful than being tough
• It is acceptable to tear down fences when you are overly romantic
• Move around the room every few minutes to hide the source of your gas
• Groan with pleasure when you enjoy a good back scratching
• Sleep often when you are no longer a pup
• The sad, pitiful look works better on humans than showing teeth
• Chasing your tail distracts the children from your real plans
• Don't drag dead animals into the house when people are watching
• Give them the best darned greetings when they come home and they will think you care
• The back underside of the sofa is the best place to hide things
• Humans do not like it when you sniff their back underside
• If you squat too low, the mess sticks to you instead of the ground
• Act like the only thing you care about is food, and they will give you nifty treats
• When in doubt, sniff it!
• Avoid doctors; they remove things that never grow back

FCC: Subjective Silencing

Howard is again at risk of being fined by the Federal Communications Commission for alleged obscene speech. Contrary to common opinion, Howard's primary complaints against the FCC are related not so much to its role as a "cleansing tool," but against its methods and criteria. These can be summed up as follows:

1. The FCC has no clear-cut rules.

2. The FCC's methods of collecting and responding to complaints are not representive and open.

3. The arbitrary and closed methods of the FCC's targeting practices leaves far too much room for personal opinion and political motivations to be used by the FCC staff for subjective and capricious silencing.

What if Howard's views on abortion and drugs offends the head of the FCC? Under the current system, the head could listen exclusively to Howard, searching for offensive speech in order to build a case. On the other hand, another broadcaster with political views favorable to the FCC's head could be bypassed for monitoring no matter how offensive the speech. Thus, the FCC can use its power to CONTROL THE POLITICAL MAKEUP OF THE AIRWAYS. This is certainly un-American!

To clean up its act, the FCC should follow these rules before issuing fines:

1. Issue CLEAR guidelines on what is not acceptable speech.

2. Make sure the guidelines and monitoring are applied to ALL broadcasting personalities equally.

3. Document and catalog each and every complaint issued against a broadcaster, along with the reasons for investigating or ignoring complaints. These complaints and reasons should be made public within a reasonable amount of time.

Universal Lawyers

Huge Discovery Squashed by Legal Concerns

Last year's scientific discovery that there are probably no fundamental elementary particles resulted in the possible discovery of micro-universes. "The insides of some atoms may actually contain a universe or two, possibly with life forms," said Dr. Ansallo, former chief researcher at International Tygren Labs.

This discovery soon reached the Law department of a nearby university. "Regulating and protecting whole new worlds would be an attorney's dream," said one anonymous legal student. "If a person is wiping out billions of planets by lighting a candle, there must be great legal consequences!", the senior student went on to say.

When Dr. Ansallo and his team heard about the potential legal hassles, they immediate halted all research into micro-universes and attempted to destroy all documentation related to new discovery. "Let's stop this before the lawyers outlaw walking!", he shouted to team members. Although walking itself is not likely to harm micro-universes, one team member privately admitted that it could not be ruled out without more research.

This all started when research on subatomic particles hinted that there may be particles smaller than quarks. For a long time quarks were thought to be the smallest particle; but it turns out the harder researchers look, the smaller the particles they find. This caused experts to start speculating that there was no smallest particle. "If every 20 years we discover a new level of smallness, one begins to wonder if there is a limit," said Lisa Hammond, a writer for Science Now magazine.

Combined with a computer concept known as fractals, researchers realized that all the familiar features of our universe may repeated at much smaller levels within parts of atoms. As an example, fractals show that the cragginess of a mountain face is often repeated in grains of sand. Thus, if a person were shrunk to the size of a germ, a grain of sand may resemble a mountain or a very large boulder.

What may be an electron or quark to us, may be a whole universe to life forms within that tiny universe. "It sounds like a Dr. Suess story," said one of the team members recalling one animation about a civilization living in on a dust particle and another about progressively tiny little cats with a smaller cat in each or their hats.

Dr. Ansallo successfully hid all research records of this fantastic subject until sponsors spotted a gap in research effort. When Dr. Ansallo could not produce documentation on how research moneys were spent during the missing months, the sponsors launched an investigation.

With some prodding by curious legal students in conjunction with the sponsor inquiry, particle research members began spilling the beans in exchange for legal immunity. Dr. Ansallo finally filled in the story when enough team members had talked.

Although Dr. Ansallo is currently unemployed because of the incident, he may have the last laugh. It seems that there is not a research institute on the face of the earth that wants to take up the research. Those who don't believe Dr. Ansallo do not want the ridicule that seems to be associated with the subject. Those who do believe him do not want to deal with the lawyers.

It appears that micro-universes are now lumped in with other hot potato topics such as UFO's and cold fusion. Dr. Ansallo says he has no guilt or regrets. He said, however, that one night he had a nightmare in which he switched on the light and killed trillions of intelligent life forms living in the light-bulb's atoms. "The terror ended when I gleefully realized that some of the victims were probably micro-lawyers." (Trans-Semi News, K-33504)

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Equal Opportunities

Conflict with the NAACP caused Pete Wilson, the governor of California, to call for setting up a special school to train white kids how to be gang members.

It all began when Orange County released statistics on gang members. The study showed that although the population of Orange County was 90 percent white, only ten percent of the gang members were white. The study indicated that a male person of color was 12 times more likely to join a gang than a white male.

These statistics outraged the NAACP. At first the NAACP accused Orange County of falsifying the statistics to paint a racist picture of crime. Orange County then invited five NAACP members to review the statistics. Although the review showed some discrepancies, they were not enough to account for the wide differences between white and black gang membership.

The NAACP then complained that such studies were unnecessary. They claimed that Orange County was "looking for wedges to drive us all apart." They requested the spending records in order to show the public how much tax money was used for the "wasteful" study.

Pete Wilson happened to be visiting Orange County during the controversy. After receiving several questions from the press, Governor Wilson decided to get involved. At a news conference the next day, the Governor responded to the NAACP:

"What do you want us do to about this? We can train more white kids to be gang members if you want. Is this what you want?"

The Governor was so angry that he formed the "Crime Diversity Center" with the stated goal of "promoting equal advancement opportunities in criminal careers for the State of California".

But Papa!

Mr. Stern claims that his father had nothing to do with his success. He often states that his father ridiculed his early talk radio attempts because they were "not serious and professional." He also implies that his father called him a looser and a nobody.

Some, however, believe that Stern owes his success to the inferiority complex given to him by his father. Stern claims in one of his books that he had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The primary symptom was being paranoid about not getting enough ratings early in his talk-show career. Stern formed several rituals including foot tapping after reports of ratings dips.

Many now believe that parental belittling is actually a good indicator of successful offspring. The touchy-feely parental style that started in the 1960's may be contributing to mediocre careers. This new style is characterized by lack of specific criticism and a "feel good for who you are" attitude. Jewish and Chinese parents are not known for passing out constant praise to their children, and yet these groups produce very successful children.

This does not necessarily mean the touchy-feely approach is "bad," but it may indicate a tradeoff. Perhaps being happy and plain is better than being a nervous CEO (or top radio jock). Then again, it is hard to measure happiness and deciding which parental approach is the better one is more of an art than a science. The bottom line is that Howard Stern would probably be a no-name if his father said, "Relax son, your career will take care of itself".

Promotional

I have what I believe to be a nifty credits trailer song for the up-coming Howard Stern movie. (Okay, so I'm a little late. Maybe he will make another.) The song is simply called "BaBaBuoy". I am including a WAV file section (recorded sound), a MIDI file (computer notes), and lyrics (text). Although it is not practical to put a whole recording on the web, there is enough information in these files to get a feel for the song. Enjoy!

• Click here to download MIDI file

• Click here to download WAV file portion (zipped)

• Click here to download lyrics

Background info on the MIDI file: As a compromise, the MIDI file was adjusted between a SoundBlaster 16 (PC), and a Korg 05r/w (roughly Roland GS compatible). The loudness of certain bass and tom-tom portions is the biggest difference between the two synthesizer types. If clicking on the line does not result in playing or downloading, then try the right mouse button. Some browsers offer a transfer option with the right button.

(All this material is copyrighted. You may use it for personal purposes only unless proper permission is obtained. Note that I am promoting the song, not necessarily my performance of it. I am a writer, not a performer.)

To contact the writer, request a demo tape, or complain about this page:

E-mail.

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