Monty Python Scripts

CAPTION: Act Two - A Room in Polonius's House

Cut to Frank Bough type presenter. Behind him are sports pictures.

Presenter (Michael)

Hello, and welcome to `A Room in Polonius's House'. Well tonight is European Cup night. One result is already in from Munich. The European Cup, first round, second leg, Bayern M�nchen 4397, Wrexham 1. So Wrexham going through there on aggregate. Well, now it's time for racing, so let's go over to Epsom and Brian McNutty.

Cut to a dentist's surgery. A dentist is filling a patient. He talks to camera.

CAPTION: Live from Epsom

Dentist (Graham)

Well over here at Epsom, there are chances a-plenty for those who want to make a good start in ...

Patient (?)

Dentistry.

Dentist

Dentistry. It's a well-off suburb, so most people have their own teeth and surgeries are opening at a rate of four or five a week.

Cut to housewife in a back garden standing in front of a washing line with really nasty stained washing on it: some man's trousers with very nasty stain on crotch and running down the leg; a badly torn sheet with melted chocolate biscuit stuck on it; a huge bra, with cups eighteen inches across; two pieces of bacon and a fried egg pegged on the line; and more dirty washing.

CAPTION: Live from Epsom

Housewife (Graham)

Well, it's only forty-four minutes from the West End on the train and it's not too built up, so you can have a nice garden. And the people of Epsom are a very noce class of person.

Cut to a property developer ina main street.

CAPTION: Live from Epsom

Property Developer (Michael)

Well here in High Street Epsom, there are ample opportunities for all kinds of redevelopment. As you can see (he indicates old houses) behind me now there are a high level of low density consimer units, still not fully maximising site value. This could be radically improved by a carefully planned programme of demolition. And of course most of the occupants are ... er ... elderly folks, so they wouldn't put up much of a fight.

Continue on to the next sketch...