(Mix through to a modern sitting room. Mrs Robinson is eating alone at the
table looking at the clock.)
Mr Robinson: Sorry about that, darling... (he sits)
(She serves him some vegetables. He unfolds his napkin.)
Mrs Robinson: Gravy?
Mr Robinson: Yes please, dear.
(They sit and eat in silence. Suddenly the doorbell rings.)
Mrs Robinson: Oh dear, that'll be the Cheap-Laughs from next door.
(Various different doorbell sounds and chimes. Mr Robinson goes to the
front door, and opens it. Standing outside are Mr and Mrs
Cheap-Laugh. He is wearing a big floppy comedian's suit and a big bow
tie and fright wig. She is a Mrs Equator sort of lady, with an enormous
hairstyle, and dressed in very bad taste.)
Mr Robinson: Come in.
Mr Cheap-Laugh: No! Just breathing heavily!
(He and his wife roar with laughter. As he comes in he slips and falls on
the mat. His wife puts a custard pie in his face. More roars of laughter.)
Mrs Cheap-Laugh: Oh we just dropped in.
Mr Robinson: Would you like to come through...
(We mix through to the exterior of a house at night. Shrieks of laughter,
crushes of crockery. The two men with the donkey run past in road, the
third man behind pointing to the sign.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ONE EVENING WITH THE CHEAP-LAUGHS LATER'
(The light comes on in hall. Cut to them in the hall at the front door.)
Mr Cheap-Laugh: Well goodnight and give us a kiss. (kisses Mrs
Robinson)
Mrs Cheap-Laugh: Oh thank you very much for a very nice evening.
Mr Cheap-Laugh: After you, dear.
(He trips her up and she falls out into the darkness. We hear her shriek
with laughter. Mr Cheap-Laugh drops his trousers, makes lavatory chain
pulling sign and noise and hurls himself out after wife and disappears
into the darkness. More laughter. The host shuts the door. They heave a
sigh of relief and go back into the sitting room. The crockery on the table
is all smashed in a heap on the floor with the table cloth. The standard
lamp is broken in half. There are large splodges of food and wine splashes
on the walls. Some glasses and a moustache are drawn on the Tretchikoff
picture of the Chinese girl. Mn Robinson flops down on the sofa. There is
a farting cushion. She removes it, irritated.)
Mrs Robinson: Oh honestly dear, why do we always have to buy
everything just because the Cheap-Laughs have one?
(He goes over to the wall cupboard for drinks. A bucket Of whitewash is
balanced on the half-open door. He opens the cupboard and the bucket of
whitewash Jails on him. Cut briefly to a Mr Badger.)
Badger: This is not an interruption at all.
(Cut back to Mr Robinson. He pours himself a drink, without reacting to the whitewash.)
Mr Robinson: It's just neighbourliness dear, that's all...
Mrs Robinson: I think we should try and lead our own lives from now on.
(She opens a sewing box and a boxing glove on a spring comes out and hits her on the chin.)
Mr Robinson: Can't you be serious for one moment?
(He sits on the pouffe. The sixteen-ton weight falls on him. Cut to the
exterior of the house. The lights go off downstairs and upstairs. The two
men run past carrying a pantomime goose.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'LATER THAT NIGHT'
(Cut to a darkened bedroom. Mr and Mrs Robinson are in a double bed, talking.)
Mr Robinson: I'm sorry I was cross earlier.
Mrs Robinson: Oh that's all right, dear. It's just that I. get so sick of
always having to be like the Cheap-Laughs.
Mr Robinson: Well yes, from now on we'll be like ourselves.
Mrs Robinson: Oh Roger...
Mr Robinson: Oh Beatrice.
(The bed springs up and folds into the back wall of the bedroom. On the
underneath of the bed is a presenter on a chair.)
Series 3 Scripts