(On the underneath of the bed is a presenter on a chair. The underneath of the
bed also consists of aflat as for current affairs-type programme, with
'Probe' written above narrator.)
Presenter: Many people in this country are becoming increasingly
worried about bull-fighting. They say it's not only cruel, vicious
and immoral, but also blatantly unfair. The bull is heavy, violent,
abusive and aggressive with four legs and great sharp teeth,
whereas the bull-fighter is only a small, greasy Spaniard. Given
this basic inequality what can be done to make bull-fighting safer?
We asked Brigadier Arthur Farquar-Smith, Chairman of the
British Well-Basically Club.
(Cut to a brigadier.)
Brigadier: Well, basically it's quite apparent that these little dago
chappies have got it all wrong. They prance round the bull like a
lot of bally night club dancers looking like the Younger Generation
or a less smooth version of the Lionel Blair Troupe, (getting rather
camp) with much of the staccato rhythms of the Irving Davies
Dancers at the height of their success. In recent years Pan's People
have often recaptured a lyricism ... (a huge hammer strikes him on
the head; he becomes butch again) and what we must do now is to use
devices like radar to locate the bull and SAM missiles fired from
underground silos, to knock the bull over. Then I would send in
Scottish boys with air cover to provide a diversion for the bull,
whilst the navy came in round the back and finished him off. That
to me would be bull-fighting and not this pansy kind of lyrical,
(getting camp) evocative movement which George Balanchine and
Martha Graham in the States and our very own Sadler's Wells ...
(the hammer strikes him on the head again) Troops could also be used
in an auxiliary role in international chess, where... (the lights go
off) What? ... oh...
Badger: (voice over) I'll put the lights on again for a pound.
Series 3 Scripts