(Cut to a similar landscape. Preparations for an expedition are underway.
equipnlent being piled into land-rovers etc. An interviewer walks into
shot.)
Interviewer: Hello. All the activity you can see in progress here is
part of the intricate... aah! (he steps into a man-trap, but continues
bravely) preparations for the British Naval Expedition to Lake
Pahoe. The leader of the expedition is Sir Jane Russell. (the
interviewer in slightly different spot with the admiral; we now see that
the interviewer has a wooden leg and a crutch)Sir Jane, what is the
purpose of your expedition?
Sir Jane: Well this is a completely uncharted lake with like
hitherto unclassified marine life man, so the whole scene's wide
open for a scientific exploration.
Interviewer: (now with a parrot on his shoulder) One can see the immense
amount of preparation involved. Have there been many difficulties
in setting up this venture?
Sir Jane: (with 'naval-lib' badge) Well the real hang-up was with the bread
man but when the top brass pigs came through we got it together
in a couple of moons. Commodore Betty Grable, who's a real
sub-aqua head, has got together diving wise and like the whole
gig's been a real gas man.
Interviewer: (now with Long John Silver hat) Thank you. (and eyepatch)
Lieutenant Commander Doeothy Lamour.
Parrot: Pieces of eight.
Interviewer: (now with Long John Silver jacket) Dorothy you're in charge of
security and liaison for this operation.
Dorothy Lamour: Right on. (he is smoking something and is really cool)
Interviewer: You've kept this all rather hush-hush so far shipmate.
Dorothy Lamour: Yeah, it's been really heavy man with all these freaks
from the fascist press trying to blow the whole scene.
Interviewer: (to camera) There's no doubt about it, this expedition does
have some rather unusual aspects, Jim lad. For a first, why does
the senior personnel all bear the names of Hollywood film stars of
the forties ... and female ones at that, shiver me timbers 'tis the
black spot, and secondly, I be not afraid of thee Blind Pew ... why
do they talk this rather strange stilted, underground jargon, belay
the mainbrace Squire Trelawney this be my ship now. (he is hit by
a dart) Argh! A tranquillizing dart fired by the cowardly BBC
health department dogs ... they've done filled me full of
chlorpromazine damn!
(He falls. A second interviewer coma into shot and catches the microphone.)
Second Interviewer: I'm sorry about my colleague's rather
unconventional behaviour.
Sir Jane: (running towards the camera) The navy's out of sight man come
together with the RN it's really something other than else.
(Animated psychedelic advert for the Royal Navy.)
Animated Voice: You dig it, man?
(Cut back to second interviewer.)
Second Interviewer: Hello. I'm sorry about my colleague's rather
unconventional behaviour just now, but things haven't been tog
easy for him recently, trouble at home, rather confidential so I
can't give you all the details... interesting though they are...
three bottles of rum with his weetabix, and so on, anyway...
apparently the girl wasn't even ... anyway the activity you see
behind me... it's the mother I feel sorry for. I'll start again. The
activity you see behind me is part of the preparations for the new
Naval Expedition to Lake Pahoe. The man in charge of this
expedition is Vice Admiral Sir John Cunningham. Sir John, hello
there.
Sir John: Ah, hello. Well first of all I'd like to apologize for the
behaviour of certain of my colleagues you may have seen earlier,
but they are from broken homes, circus families and so on and
they are in no way representative of the new modern improved
British Navy. They are a small vociferous minority; and may I take
this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the
British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there
is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all
new ratings are warned that if they wake up in the morning and
find toothmarks at all anywhere on their bodies, they're to tell me
immediately so that I can immediately take every measure to hush
the whole thing up. And, finally, necrophilia is right out. (the
interviewer keeps nodding but looks embarrassed) Now, this expedition
is primarily to investigate reports of cannibalism and necrophilia in
... this expedition is primarily to investigate reports of unusual
marine life in the as yet uncharted Lake Pahoe.
Interviewer: And where exactly is the lake?
Sir John: Er 22A, Runcorn Avenue, I think. Yes, that's right, 22A.
Interviewer: Runcorn Avenue?
Sir John: Yes, it's just by Blenheim Crescent... do you know it?
Interviewer: You mean it's in an ordinary street?
Sir John: Of course it's not an ordinary street! It's got a lake in it!
Interviewer: Yes but I...
Sir John: Look, how many streets do you know that have got lakes in
them?
Interviewer: But you mean... is it very large?
Sir John: Of course it's not large, you couldn't get a large lake in Runcorn
Avenue! You'd have to knock down the tobacconist's! (looking off
camera) Jenkins ... no!
(We see a rather sheepish rating about to sink his teeth into a human leg.
Sir John puts his hand in front of the lens. Cut to Runcorn Avenue, an
ordinary street with houses now turned into flats. The land-rover arrives
with the equipment.)
Interviewer: I'm now standing in Runcorn Avenue. Sir John ... where
exactly is the lake?
Sir John: Er, well let's see, that's 18... that's 20 so this must be the one.
Interviewer: Er, excuse me...
Sir John: Yes, that's the one all right.
Interviewer: But it's an ordinary house.
Sir John: Look, I'm getting pretty irritated with this line of questioning.
Interviewer: But it doesn't even look like a lake...
Sir John: Look, your whole approach since this interview started has been
to mock the Navy. When I think that it was for the likes of you
that I had both my legs blown off...
Interviewer: (pointing at perfectly healthy legs) You haven't had both your
legs blown off!
Sir John: I was talking metaphorically you fool. Jenkins - put that down.
(Jenkins returns the leg to the land-rover) Right, is the equipment ready?
Rating: Diving equipment all ready man. (gives hippy salute)
Sir John: (warning finger) Right. Now quite simply the approach to Lake
Pahoe is up the steps, and then we come to the shores of the lake.
Now, I'm going to press the bell just to see if there's anyone in.
Man: (answering) Hello?
Sir John: Good morning - I'm looking for a Lake Pahoe.
Man: There's a Mr Padgett.
Sir John: No, no a lake.
Man: There's no lake here, mate. This is Runcorn Avenue. What's the
camera doing?
Woman: (coming out) Camera? What's he want? Oooh, are we on
the telly? (grins at the camera)
Man: He's looking for a lake.
Sir John: Lake Pahoe.
Woman: Oh, you want downstairs, 22A the basement.
Sir John: Ah! Thank you very much. Good morning. Come on men, downstairs.
(They walk down to the basement. The interviewer intercepts Sir John.)
Interviewer: Were you successful, Sir John?
Sir John: It's in the basement.
Interviewer: In the basement?
(He sees a parrot on his shoulder.)
Parrot: Pieces of eight.
Interviewer: Eugh! (he knocks it off)
(Sir John goes to the front door of 22a and rings. Then he looks into the
living room through the window. A middle-aged couple are sitting inside.
The room is full of water. The man reads the paper and the woman
knits, Both wear breathing apparatus. Sir John knocks on the window.
The woman looks up.)
Sir John: Hello.
Woman: Ooooh. I think' it's someone about the damp.
Sir John: Hello.
Man: Tell 'em about the bleeding rats, too.
Woman: I'll go (she swims to window and shouts out) Yes?
Sir John: Good morning, is this Lake Pahoe?
Woman: Well, I don't know about that, but it's bleeding damp. Are you
from the council?
Sir John: No. We are the official British Naval Expedition to this lake.
May we come in?
Woman: Hang on.
(She submerges and picks up a big sign showing it to the man. The sign
reads 'It's not the council, it's a British Naval Expedition to Lake Pahoe
or something and can they come in'. The man reads the card An
enormous shark looks over his shoulder appearing from a cupboard. The
man sees it and hits it with a newspaper.)
Man: Bloody sharks.
Woman: Get in.
(He holds up a sign reading 'Tell them to go away '. The woman swims to
the window and gives a V-sign to Sir John.)
Sir John: Well um... that would appear to be the end of the expedition.