CAPTION: 'THE STORY OF HOLLAND'S MOST FAMOUS APERITIF'
(Mr Orbiter-5 is sitting in a swivel chair facing camera in a TV
presentation set. Behind him is a set with enormous lettering which says
'Is the Queen sane?' Zoom in on Mr Orbleer-5. He starts talking
immediately)
Mr Orbiter: Good evening. Well tonight, we are going to talk
about... well that is... I am going to talk about... well actually
I am talking about it now... well I'm not talking about it now, but
I am talking... I know I'm pausing occasionally, and not talking
during the pauses, but the pauses are pan of the whole process of
talking... when one talks one has to pause... er ... like then! I
paused ... but I was still talking ... and again there! No the real
point of what I'm saying is that when I appear not to be talking
don't go nipping out to the kitchen, putting the kettle on ...
buttering scones... or getting crumbs and bits of food out of
those round brown straw mats that the teapot goes on... because
in all probability I'm still talking and what you heard was a pause
... er ... like there again. Look! To make it absolutely easier, so
there's no problem at all, what I'll do, I'll give you some kind of
sign, like this (makes a gesture) while I'm still talking, and only
pausing in between words... and when I've finished altogether I'll
do this. (he sits upright and filch his arms) All right?
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE END'
Mr Orbiter: No, no! No sorry - just demonstrating... haven't finished.
Haven't started yet. (the caption is removed; he sits and tries to gather
his thoughts then suddenly, remembers) Oh dear. (does the gesture
hastily) Nearly forgot the gesture. Hope none of you are nipping
out into the kitchen, getting bits of food out of those round brown
mats which the teapot... Good evening (gesture) Tonight I want to
talk about...
(Cut to the BBC world symbol.)
Adrian: (voice over) We interrupt this programme to annoy you and
make things generally irritating for you.
(Cut back to Mr Orbiter-5.)
Mr Orbiter: ... with a large piece of wet paper. (gesture) Turn the paper
over - turn the paper over keeping your eye on the camel, and
paste down the edge of the sailor's uniform, until the word
'Maudling' is almost totally obscured. (gesture) Well, that's one way
of doing it. (gesture)
(Cut to the BBC world symbol again and hold throughout the following dialogue.)
Adrian: (voice over) Good evening, we interrupt this programme again, a,
to irritate you and, b, to provide work for one of our announcers.
Series 3 Scripts