Jack: (voice over) Good evening, I'm the announcer who's just been
given this job by the BBC and I'd just like to say how grateful I am
to the BBC for providing me with work, particularly at this time of
year, when things are a bit thin for us announcers ... um ... I
don't know whether I should tell you this, but, well, I have been
going through a rather tough time recently. Things have been
pretty awful at home. My wife, Josephine... 'Joe-jums' as I call
her ... who is also an announcer...
Joe-jums: Hello.
Jack: ... has not been able to announce since our youngest, Clifford, was
born, and, well, (tearfully) I've just got no confidence left ... I can't
get up in the morning... I feel. there's nothing worth living for...
(he starts to sob)
Dick: Hello, I'm another announcer, my name's Dick.
Joe-jums just rang me and said Jack was having a bad time with
this announcement, so I've just come to give him a hand. How is
he, Joe-jums?
Joe-jums: Pretty bad, Dick.
Dick: Jack ... it's Dick ... Do you want me to make the announcement?
Jack: No, no Dick. I must do it myself... (emotionally) it's my last chance
with the BBC, I can't throw it away... I've got to do it ... for
Joe-jums... for the kids... I've got to go through with it...
Dick: Good man. Now remember your announcer's training: deep
breaths, and try not to think about what you're saying...
Jack: Good evening. This (a trace of superhuman effort in his voice) is
BBC 1...
Joe-jums: Good luck, Jack.
Dick: Keep going, old boy.
Jack: It's ... nine o'clock ... and ... time ... for ... the News ... read
by ... Richard Baker...
(Cut to start of the 'Nine O'Clock News '.)
Joe-jums: You've done it.
Dick: Congratulations, old man!
(Richard Baker is sitting at a desk. As Richard Baker speaks we hear no
sounds apart from the sounds of celebration of the announcers -
champagne corks popping, etc. At the beginning of the news Baker uses
the gesture between sentences that we have seen
Mr. Orbiter use, plus
other gestures. Behind him on the screen a collage of photos appear one
after the offer: Richard Nixon, Tony Armstrong-Jones, the White Home,
Princess Margaret, parliament, naked breasts, a scrubbing brush, a man
with a stone through his head, Margaret Thatcher, a lavatory, a
Scotsman lying on his back with his knees drawn up, a corkscrew,
Edward Heath, a pair of false teeth in a glass. Whilst these have been
going on Baker has been making gestures starting with elbow-up gesture
and getting progressivdy more obscure and intriguing. We don't hear him
at all, we hear all the announcers having a party and congratulating Jack.)
Joe-jums: Fantastic darling, you were brilliant. No, no, it was the best you
ever did.
Jack: Thank God.
Joe-jums: It was absolutely super.
Dick: ... have a drink. For God's sake drink this...
Jack: Fantastic.
Dick: The least I could do - super - I must come over.
Jack: I can't tell you how much that means.
(Eventually the voices stop and four the first time we hear Richard Baker's voice.)
Baker: ... until the name Maudling is almost totally obscured. That is the
ned of the micro-not wens. And now it's time for the late night film.
Series 3 Scripts