(Jolly showbiz music. A ftat goes up, revealing three actors in tHin-jeans
(which are heavily padded to make you sweat off weight) grouped tila
advert. They all have slight Australian accents.)
CAPTION: 'TRIM-JEANS THEATRE PRESENTS'
Gary: Good evening. This new series of 'Trim-Jeans
Theatre Presents' will enable you to enjoy the poetry of T. S. Eliot
whilst losing unsightly turnroy bulge. Jean.
CAPTION: 'THESE THREE PEOPLE ARE REDUCING THEIR WAIST,
THIGHS, HIPS AND ABDOMEN EVEN AS THEY RECOMMEND'
Jean: Wow, yes and the inches stay off. Mark.
Mark: Terrific! Thrill to Thomas a Becket's
Kierkegaardian moment of choice while making your physique
fighter, firmer, neater.
(Cut to a cathedral interior. There are three priests, four knights and two
women, all in trim-jeans. Thomas does not wear one.)
Priest: I am here. No traitor to the King.
First Knight: Absolve all those you have excommunicated.
Second Knight: Resign those powers you have arrogated.
Third Knight: Renew the obedience you have violated.
Fourth Knight: Lose inches off your hips, thighs, buttocks and abdomen.
(Cut back to Gary and the others.)
Gary: A terrific product.
All: Terrific.
Gary: And this comes complete with the most revolutionary guarantee in
slenderizing history!
(Cut to a man in trim-jeans under a sign saying 'Before'.)
Voice Over: This was Kevin Francis before last season's
'Trim-Jean Play of the Month' production of 'The Seagull' by
Anton Chekhov and the Sauna Belt Trim-Jean Company Limited.
See Kevin has slipped into his slenderizing garment and is inflating
it with the handy little pump provided. Three acts and a few
special torso exercises later, Kevin, as Trigorin, the failed writer of
sentimental romances, has lost over thirty-three inches. (same shot
but very skinny John Hughman has replaced Terry J) Wow. What a
difference. That Anton Chekhov can certainly write.
Gary: Terrific.
Mark: Terrific.
Gary: Yes, why not join us for a season of classic plays and rapid
slenderizing. Enjoy Sir John Gielgud and Sir Ralph Richardson
losing a total of fifteen inches in David Storey's 'Home'.
Mark: Enjoy the 'The Trim Gentlemen of Verona' and 'Long Day's
Journey into Night' while inches melt away.
Jean: Enjoy Glenda Jackson with a Constant Snug Fit and Solid Support
in all four areas.
Gary: Other productions will include... 'Treasure Island' ... (Long John
Silver in trim-jeans) 'Swan Lake' (cut to a photo of two ballet dancers
in a 'lift' position, both wean'ng tights and trim-jeans) 'The Life and
Loves of Toulouse Lautrec', (cut to a photo of Toulouse Lautrec, his
feet sticking out of the bottom of the trim-jeans) and the Trim-Jeans
version of 'The Great Escape', with a cast of thousands losing well
over fifteen hundred inches.
(Cut to scrubland, barbed wire a la prison camp in the background. After
a few seconds a head appears out of a hole in the ground. He looks
around then gets out. He is wearing trim-jeans. He looks back. Satisfied
he beckons. Others start appearing. Three German guards behind the
wire muttering.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'INCHES LOST SO FAR'
(A superimposed counter shows the numbers increasing.)
Guard: Achtungl Hait! Halt!
(A moment's panic. Shooting starts and a siren goes. Men pour out of hole
rapidly. Guards pursue them with tracker dogs in trim~jeans. The
counter goes berserk.)
Series 3 Scripts