Voice Over: That was an excerpt from the latest West End hit 'It
all happened on the 11.20 from Hainault to Redhill via Horsham
and Reigate, calling at Carshalton Beeches, Malmesbury, Tooting
Bec, and Croydon West'. The author is Mr Neville Shunt.
(Shunt sitting among mass of railway junk, at typewriter, typing away madly.)
Shunt: (typing) Chuff, chuff, chuffwoooooch, woooooch!
Sssssssss, sssssssss! Diddledum, diddledum, diddlealum. Toot, toot.
The train now standing at platform eight, tch, tch, tch, diddledum,
diddledum. Chuffff chuffffiTff eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa
Vooooommmmm.
(Cut to an critic. Superimposed caption: 'GAVIN MILLARRRRRRRRRR')
Art Critic: Some people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt's
work as a load of rubbish about railway timetables, but clever
people like me, who talk loudly in restaurants, see this as a
deliberate ambiguity, a plea for understanding in a mechanized
world. The points are frozen, the beast is dead. What is the
difference? What indeed is the point? The point is frozen, the
beast is late out of Paddington. The point is taken. If La
Fontaine's elk would spurn Tom Jones the engine must be our
head, the dining car our oesophagus, the guard's van our left lung,
the cattle truck our shins, the first-class compartment the piece of
skin at the nape of the neck and the level crossing an electric elk
called Simon. The clarity is devastating. But where is the
ambiguity? It's over there in a box. Shunt is saying the 8.15 from
Gillingham when in reality he means the 8.13 from Gillingham.
The train is the same only the time is altered. Ecce homo, ergo
elk. La Fontaine knew his sister and knew her bloody well. The
point is taken, the beast is moulting, the fluff gets up your nose.
The illusion is complete; it is reality, the reality is illusion and the
ambiguity is the only truth. But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes,
in the box? No there isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight.
The point is taken, the elk is dead, the beast stops at Swindon,
Chabrol stops at nothing, I'm having treatment and La Fontaine
can get knotted.
( Cut to man at desk.)
Man: Gavin Millar...
(Cut to another man.)
Another Man: ... rrrrrrr...
(Cut to first man.)
Man: ... was not talking to Neville Shunt. From the world of the theatre
we turn to the world of dental hygiene. No, no, no, no. From the
world of the theatre we mru to the silver screen. We honour one of
the silver screen's outstanding writer-dentists... writer-directors,
Martin Curry who is visiting London to have a tooth out, for the
pre-molar, er... premiere of his filling, film next Toothday...
Tuesday, at the Dental Theatre... Film Theatre. Martin Curry
talking to Matthew Palate... Padget.
Series 2 Scripts