(Cut to late-night line-up setting. Interviewer and interviewee.)
Padget: Martin Curry, welcome. One of the big teeth... big
points that the American critics made about your latest film, 'The
Twelve Caesars', was that it was on so all-embracing a topic. What
made you undertake so enormous a tusk... task?
(We now see that his intewiewee has two enormous front teeth.)
Curry: Well I've always been interested in Imperial Rome from
Julius Caesar right through to Vethpathian.
Padget: Who?
Curry: Vethpathian.
Padget: Ah! Vespasian.
Curry: Yes.
Padget: When I saw your film it did seem to me that you had taken a
rather, urn, subiective approach to it.
Curry: I'm sorry?
Padget: Well, I mean all your main characters had these enormous ...
well not enormous, these very big ... well let's have a look at a
clip in which Julius Incisor .... Caesar talks to his generals during
the baffle against Caractacus.
Curry: I don't see that at all.
(Film: interior of a tent; generals around a table.)
Labienus: (with relatively enormous front teeth) Shall I order the
cavalry that they may hide themselves in the wood, O Caesar?
All: (with very large front teeth) Thus O Caesar.
Julius: (with amazingly large front teeth) Today is about to be a
triumph for our native country.
(Back to interview set.)
Padget: Martin Curry, why do all your characters have these very big er
... very big um ... teeth?
Curry: What do you mean?
Padget: Well, I mean, er... and even in your biblical epic, 'The Son of
Man', John the Baptist had the most enormous ... dental
appendages ... and of course ... himself had the most
monumental ivories.
Curry: No, I'm afraid I don't see that at all. (picks up glass of water but can't
get it to his mouth) Could I have a straw?
Padget: Oh, a straw, yes, yes. Well while we're doing that perhaps we
could take another look at an earlier film, 'Trafalgar'.
(Between decks. Nelson lying among others. They all have enormous teeth.)
Nelson: Cover my coat, Mr Bush, the men must not know of this
till victory is ours.
Toad: The surgeon's coming, sir.
Nelson: No, tell the surgeon to attend the men that can be saved. He can
do little for me, I fear.
Toad: Aye, aye, sir.
Nelson: Hardy! Hardy!
Hardy: Sir?
Nelson: Hardy...' kiss... er ... put your hand on my thigh.
(Back to interview set. Curry is sitting practically upside down, trying to
drink water with much dsfficulty)
Padget: Martin Curry, thank you. Well. We asked the first-night audience
what they thought of that film.
(Cut to vox pops.)
Series 2 Scripts