(In long shot now. The Mayor, who is nine foot high, and dignitaries
approach a startled Praline. Organ music below a reverent voice over:)
Voice Over: And now, there is the Mayor. Surely the third tallest
mayor in Derby's history. And there are the Aldermen
magnificently resplendent in their Aldermanic hose and just look at
the power in those thighs. The New Zealanders are going to find it
pretty tough going in the set pieces in the second half... So
Dawn Palethorpe with one clear round on Sir Gerald... and now
the Mayor has reached the Great Customer Mr Eric Praline. (the
mayor takes a piece of Paper from the post office man) And now the
Mayoral human being takes the Mayoral Pen in the Mayoral hand
and watched by the Lady Mayotess, who of course scored that
magnificent try in the first half, signs the fishy exemption (the
mayor signs it and hands it to Praline) and the Great Customer, Mr
Eric Praline, who is understandably awed by the magnificence and
even the absurdity of this great occasion here at Cardiff Arms
Park, (Praline looks very confused) has finally gone spare and there is
the going sparal look on the front of his head. And now the
Aldermen are finishing their oranges and leaving the post office for
the start of the second half.
(They all exit out of door, eating oranges, and Praline looks after them.
Cut to a rugby fielet Crowd roaring as the aldermen, mayor, mayotess,
town clerk, Dawn Palethorpe (on a horse) and the borough surveyor run
onto the pitch and take up their positions.)
Commentator: And here come the Derby Council XV following
the All Blacks out on to the pitch. There, in the centre of the
picture you can see Dawn Palethorpe on Sir Gerald - one of the
fastest wingers we must have seen in England this season. On the
left hand side of the picture the Lord Mayor has been running
such wonderful possession for Derby Council in the lines out and
it's the All Blacks to kick off. Wilson to kick off. Oh, I can see
there the Chairman of the By-ways and Highways Committee
who's obviously recovered from that very nasty blow he got in that
loose ball in the first half. (opposite them the All Blacks kick off) And
Wilson kicks off and it's the Town Clerk's taken the ball
beautifully there, the All Blacks are up on it very fast and the
whistle has gone. I'm not quite sure what happened there, I
couldn't see, but there's a scrum~down. I think it's an All Blacks'
ball. 'They were upon them very fast. Obviously they're going to try
very hard in this half to wipe out this five-point deficit. Derby
Council eight points to three up and Derby Council have got the
ball against the head. There is the Borough Surveyor, the
scrum-haif is out of the ... er, the Chairman of the Highway and
By-way Committee who's kicked for touch. The line out - and it's
into the line out and the Mayor has got the ball again. To the
Borough Surveyor who's left out the Medical Officer of Health.
Straight along the line to the Lady Mayoress and the Lady
Mayoress has got to go through. Number two has missed her -
he's taken to the full back - only the full back to beat and she has
scored! The Lady Mayoress has scored, it's eleven points to three.
(Caption on screen: 'NEW ZEALAND 3 DERBY COUNCIL I I '
Cut to linkman and Cliff Morgan.)
Linkman: (MICHAEL) Cliff, this must have been a very disappointing
result for the All Blacks.
Cliff: (Welsh accent) Well, they've had very bad luck on the tour so
far. They missed four very easy kicks against the Exeter Amateur
Operatic Society, which must have cost them the match and then
of course there was that crippling defeat at the hands of the Derry
and Toms Soft Toy Department, so I don't think they can be
really fancying their chances against the London Pooves on
Saturday.
Linkman: And what about China?
Cliff: Well, whether Mao Tse Tung is alive or not, Lin Piao has a
stranglehold on central committee which Lin Shao Chi can't break,
so it remains to be seen whether Chou En Lai can really get his
finger out and get going in the second half.
Linkman: Well, thank you Cliff. Tonight's other outstanding match was
the semi-final between the Bournemouth Gynaecologists and the
Watford Long John Silver Impersonators. We bring you edited
highlights of the match.
(Rapid montage of goals scored by competent gynaecologists wearing
surgical gowns and caps, against totally incompetent and immobile LJSI
team who simply stand round going 'aaah! Jim lad' as the goals rain in.
The ball is tucked off-screen. Sudden cut to studio. A presenter is
standing in front of curtain; he catches the ball thrown from off. He
smiles.)
Presenter: Well, that's about it for tonight ladies and
gentlemen, but remember if you've enjoyed watching the show just
half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enioyed it twice
as much as you. Ha, ha, ha.
(The sixteen-ton weight falls on him. Cut to montage of scenes of
destruaion, buildings falling down, bombs etc. Roll credits over.)
Series 2 Scripts