(An office. Boss is reading a book, 'Chinese for Business Men'. He tries
out a few Chinese words. There is a knock at the door.)
Boss: Come in. (Mr Frog comes in) Ah, Frog.
Frog: S. Frog, sir.
Boss: Shut up, I want to have a word with you, Frog.
Frog: S. Frog, sir.
Boss: Shut up. It's about your advertising campaign for Conquistador
Coffee. Now, I've had the managing director of Conquistador to
see me this morning and he's very unhappy with your campaign.
Very unhappy. In fact, he's shot himself.
Frog: Badly, sir?
Boss: No, extremely well. (lifts up a leg beloning to a body behind desk, and
holds up a card saying 'joke') Well, before he went he left a note with
the company secretary (opens a nearby door; a dead company secretary
falls out), the effect of which was how disappointed he was with
your work and, in particular, why you had changed the name from
Conquistador Instant Coffee to Conquistador Instant Leprosy.
Why, Frog?
Frog: S. Frog, sir.
Boss: Shut up. Why did you do it?
Frog: It was a joke.
Boss: A joke? (holds up card saying 'joke')
Frog: No, no not a joke, a sales campaign. (holds up a card saying 'No, a
Sales Campaign)
Boss: I see, Frog.
Frog: S. Frog, sir.
Boss: Shut up. Now, let's have a look at the sales chart. (indicates a
plummeting sales graph) When you took over this account, Frog,
Conquistador were a brand leader. Here you introduced your first
campaign, 'Conquistador coffee brings a new meaning to the word
vomit'. Here you made your special introductory offer of a free
dead dog with every jar, and this followed your second campaign
'the tingling fresh coffee which brings you exciting new cholera,
mange, dropsy, the clap, hard pad and athlete's head. From the
House of Conquistador'.
Frog: It was a soft-sell, sir
Boss: Why, Frog?
Frog: S. Frog, sir.
Boss: Shut up! Well?
Frog: Well, people know the name, sir.
Boss: They certainly do know the name - they burnt the factory down.
The owner is hiding in the bathroom (shot heard) - the owner was
hiding in my bathroom. (holds up 'joke' card again)
Frog: You're not going to fire me, sir?
Boss: Fire you? Three men dead, the factory burnt down, the account lost
and our firm completely bankrupt, what... what... what ... can
you possibly say? What excuse can you possibly make?
Frog: Sorry, father. (holds up the 'yoke' card)
Boss: Oh, yes. Oh, incidentally your film's won a prize.
(He opens a venetian blind on the window to reveal the film: a coastline.
Panning shot of hills rolling down into the sea, waves breaking on the
shore. Travelogue music (Malcolm Arnold type) over this. Suddenly the
music sticks, and keeps repeating one phrase.)
Series 2 Scripts