(Film of a boxer (Ken Clean-Air-Systems) in training, running along a country road. All
this is shot in 'Man Alive' style: plenty of hand-held documentary work.
Sound of boxer's feet on the leaves and heavy breathing.)
Voice Over: (MICHAEL) This is Ken Clean-air Systems, the great white
hope of the British boxing world. After three fights - and only two
convictions - his manager believes that Ken is ready to face the
giant American, Satellite Five.
(Cut to manager being driven in Rolls. Superimposed caption on screen: 'MR ENGLEBERT HUMPERDINCK -
MANAGER')
Manager: The great thing about Ken is that he's almost totally stupid.
(Cut back to Ken jogging, the early morning sun filtering through the trees.)
Voice Over: Every morning, he jogs the forty-seven miles from his
two-bedroomed, eight-bathroom, six-up-two-down,
three-to-go-house in Reigate, to the Government's Pesticide
Research Centre at Shoreham. Nobody knows why.
(Cut to Ken's wife, a young married with her head in a scarf and curlers, hanging out the washing in a
council estate. Caption appears on screen: 'MRS CLEAN-AIR SYSTEMS')
Mrs CAS: Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I
remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He
stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head
on the table.
(Cut to Ken's mother - an old lady in a wheelchair. Hand-held big
close-up against the slty. Caption on screen: 'MRS NELLIE AIR-VENT, MOTHER')
Mother: Oh he was such a pretty baby, always so kind and
gentle. He was really considerate to his mother, and not at all the
kind of person you'd expect to pulverize their opponent into a
bloody mass of flesh and raw bone, spitting teeth and fragments of
gum into a ring which had become one man's hell and Ken's glory.
(The wheelchair moves away and we see that it is on top of a car.
Cut to extenior of a semi-detached house. Night.)
Voice Over: Every morning at his little three-room semi near Reading
Ken gets up at three o'dock (light goes on) and goes back to bed
again because it's far too early.
(Light goes out. Close-up alarm clock at 7.05. General shot of room, Ken
coming out of bathroom pulling his track-suit on.)
Voice Over: At seven o'clock Ken gets up, he has a quick shower, a
rub-down, gets into his track-suit, and goes back to bed again.
(shot of trainer running) At 7.50 every morning Ken's trainer runs
the 13,000 miles from his two-room lean-to in Bangkok and gets
him up.
(General shot of room to show his trainer standing over the sleeping Ken.
He holds a large mallet and a steel peg.)
Trainer: I used to wake Ken up with a crowbar on the back of
the head. But I recently found that this was too far from his brain
and I wasn't getling through to him anymore. So I now wake him
up with a steel peg driven into his skull with a mallet.
(Cut to the empty kitchen, shot from ground level. The camera pans across
to show plate of food under an upright chair, and then pans across the
room to the kitchen cupboard; Mrs Clean-Air Systems at the sink.)
Voice Over: For breakfast every day, Ken places a plate of liver and
bacon under his chair, and locks himself in the cupboard.
(Cut to gym. Manager standing beside ropes of the ring. Again a
hand-held 'Man Alive' type interview, with camera noise and all.)
Manager: Well, he's having a lot of mental difficulties with his breakfasts,
but this is temperament, caused by a small particle of brain in his
skull, and once we've removed that he'll be perfectly all right.
(Close-up alarm clock. Hands at 8.30)
Voice Over: At 8.30 the real training begins. (General shot of room. Ken
asleep in bed) Ken goes back to bed and his trainer gets him up.
(The door bursts open but we don't stay to see what happens. We cut
immediately to outside of the house. His trainer pushes Ken out. Trainer
goes back into the house (obviously to Ken's wife). Cut to Ken jogging
through town. Hand held Ken finds his way blocked by a parked car. He
stops and looks very puzzled, thenn instead of going round it turns and
runs back the way he has come.) At 10.30 every morning Ken arrives
at what he thinks is the gym. Sometimes it's a sweetshop,
sometimes it's a private house. Today its a hospital.
(Ken turns into the gates or doors of a hospital. There is a slight pause,
and a white-coated doctor arrives at the door and points right up the street.)
Doctor: Urn, straight down there. Straight down there.
(Ken follows his finger and looks very hard in that direction. When he is
satisfied that Ken has understood where he is pointing, the doctor retires
back inside. Ken turns and watches him as he does this, then turns and
sets off in the opposite direction. Cut to a shot of a roadside diner.)
Voice Over: For lunch Ken crouches down in the road and rubs gravel
into his hair. (Pan down to roadside to reveal Ken just finishing rubbing
gravel into his hair; he stands up and hops over a railing to a riverside
where a bed stands) But lunch doesn't take long. Ken's soon up on
his feet and back to bed. (Ken hops into the bed) And his trainer has
to run the 49,000 miles from his two-bedroom, six-living-room
tree-house in Kyoto to wake him up. (Trainer runs into shot, pauses
by bedside and turns to camera. He has large plumber's bag.)
Trainer: Hello. When Ken is in a really deep sleep like this one, the only
way to wake him up is to saw his head off.
(Cut to stock close-up of punchbag and glove smashing into it. Continual
hitting and impact-bang-bang-bang-bang throughout.)
Voice Over: What is he like in the ring, this human dynamo, this
eighteen-stone bantam weight battering-ram? We asked his sparring
partner and one-time childhood sweetheart, Maureen Spencer.
(Cut to medium close-ip of Maureen, very busty in boxing gear and
sparring helmet.)
Maureen: Well, I think that if Ken keeps his right up, gets in
with the left jab and takes the fight to his man - well, he should go
for a cut eye in the third and put Wilcox on the canvas by six.
(She goes back to sparring and we see it is she who is hitting the
punchbag. Remaining on her we hear the voice Over.)
Voice Over: Ken's opponent in Tuesday's fight is Petula Wilcox, the
Birmingham girl who was a shorthand typist before turning pro in
1968. (Cut to typical teenage girl's bedsit. Pin-ups of popstars on the
walls. Teddy bears on the bed and gonks. Petula Wilcox is siuing up on .
the bed knitting.) She's keen on knitting and likes Cliff Richard
records. How does she rate her chances against Ken?
Petula: Well, I'm a southpaw and I think this will confuse him,
particularly with his brain problem.
(Cut to the ring. Floodlight. The night of the big fight. Murmur of a huge
crowd. Excitement, cigar smoke rising in front of the camera. Bustle of
activity all rouns In medium close-up the master of ceremonies walks out
into the middle of the ring, and takes the microphone.)
Master of Ceremonies: My lords, ladies and gedderbong... On my
right, from the town of Reigate in the county of Kent, the
heavyweight... (unintelligible) Mr Ken Clean-Air Systems!...
(applause, cut to Ken's comer; Ken raises his arms above his head) and
on my left! Miss Petula Wilcox.
(Superimposed caption appears on the screen: ROUND 1 For the first time we see Petula dance out into the
middle of the ring, frail and lovely in a white muslin dress, with a bow in her hair
and boxing gloves. The referee bring them together, cautions them and
then they separate. The bell goes. As speeded-up as we can manage and
with the same stupendous sound effects as for all-in cricket, Ken belts the
hell out of Petula. While this goes on, we hear a few voice overs.)
Colonel Type: I think boxin's a splendid sport - teaches you self-defence.
Critic: Obviously boxing must have its limits, but providing
they're both perfectly fit I can see nothing wrong with one healthy
man heating the bring daylights out of a little schoolgirl.
Voice: It's quick and it's fun.
(Boxing match is still in full swing as we cut away to the Grillomatic
snack bar. )
Series 2 Scripts