My husband and I wanted
five kids. Everyone thinks we were crazy, and says that we will change
our minds, but we are adamant. Then about the time that I was starting
to think that I could be happy with just two - after all I had two healthy,
"normal" kids, one of each - my husband said that he would like to have one
more and he would be happy. Eventually I agreed to one more child,
when the time was right. If I had one more child I really wanted to
enjoy being pregnant and having a baby for the last time, so both our kids
would have to be in school and fairly independent. I wanted both of
them to realize what was happening, and to be able to understand and welcome
another baby.
Diary
When I found out I was pregnant
again at first I wasn't sure this was the right time, but I couldn't help
be a little excited. My husband greeted the news with apprehension and
concern. Would this one turn out all right or would we have to endure
yet another loss?
I started having pains at
7 wks in the area of my right ovary, I went to my GP. An ultrasound
showed the baby inside my uterus, with a steady heartbeat. There was
nothing wrong with the baby. At that moment I allowed myself to hope
a little. Even my OB was optimistic at this point. I didn't worry
when the pains subsided about a week later.
Looking back, it was also about then that my other pregnancy symptoms disappeared.
I'm not sure if I imagined the slight nausea I felt, and my breasts became
less tender, and I was less fatigued. My jeans were also becoming
looser again. By the time I noticed all these things I was about 10
wks. along, but since the perfect ultrasound three weeks earlier I wasn't
concerned. I just figured that after all I had endured, God had seen
fit to bless me with a perfect pregnancy.
Then one afternoon, I began
to feel a little crampy, so I sat down take a rest. The cramps didn't
stop. So I laid down on the couch and waited. Half an hour later
they had increased in intensity. I called my OB's office rushed over
right away.
The first thing the doctor
did was take my blood pressure. He said that my heart was racing, which
I hadn't realized, but it was. He tried unsuccessfully to find a heartbeat,
but that isn't unusual for me. When most women are pregnant their
uterus tilts forward. Mine tilts backward, which allows for the baby
to do a lot of growing before I show, and makes it difficult to find a heartbeat
before I am 15 wks. pregnant. An internal examination revealed that
my cervix was still elongated and closed, and my uterus felt the right size.
Still, he felt it necessary to send me for another ultrasound. I was
nervous and excited at the same time. That night the cramps continued
to get worse, but subsided after I went to bed early. I never saw a spot of
blood.
The next morning, I went
to the hospital in good spirits. I was pretty sure that I was just over-reacting,
and that the ultrasound would show that everything was all right. There
was a new Birthing Center opening at the hospital that day, and I kept thinking
that I would be giving birth in that new center in 7 months.
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Two minutes after the technician
placed the wand on my belly I knew something was wrong. She asked me
almost immediately if I had ever had a "transvaginal ultrasound" and if I
would mind having one today. I knew that even though she wasn't saying
it she couldn't find anything. I didn't have the heart or the courage
to ask, and the screen was turned away from me so I couldn't see anything.
When it was done, she told that I was to go home and my doctor would call
me that afternoon.
"I'm sorry to have to do
this over the phone, but there was no detectable heartbeat."
My heart jumped into my throat
and I was unable to react. I called my husband and could barely talk
to him through my tears and sobs, so he left work and came home right away.
When I asked him what I should do, he told me that it was my decision, but
his first concern was for my health. He didn't want me to end up hemorrhaging,
or in the hospital with an infection due to the dead tissue in my uterus,
(I still wasn't bleeding). I figured a D&C would speed up the
physical healing, and allow me to get on with the grieving. I decided
to have a D&C, and it was scheduled for the next afternoon.
It was strange that I never
saw a drop of blood until I got the hospital that afternoon. My OB spent
some time with us. He seemed to take the entire weight of my losses
on himself and kept saying he was sorry, and wishing he could figure out
why this kept happening to me. He was there and held my hand as everything
faded to black, and performed my surgery. I am truly blessed to have
such a wonderful doctor. Thank you Dr. Watt!
I have never been sure of
the sex of any of my lost babies, so I have guessed at each one. I felt
strongly that this last one was a girl and named her Sabrina Faith.
