When I suspected I was pregnant
in Feb. 97, I didn't know how to feel. Our daughter was only a year
old; we lived in a two bedroom apartment in my in-law's basement, where the
two kids already shared a bedroom; I was not ready to deal with another
baby. And what if I lose this one too??? I didn't think I would
live through it.
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It tooks us a few days, but
we began to warm up to the idea, and by the time I went for my first ultrasound
at 6 weeks Mats was excited. Then the ultrasound revealed twins.
My heart sank, but Mats and his mother
were tickled pink (he is a twin). It was hard to even prepare for
one baby to, so how I was supposed to handle two?! At the same time?!
I just wasn't ready for this. The ultrasound also showed some problems...
5 days after the ultrasound
I started to bleed, so we went immediately to the hospital, where they said
that I should just stay off my feet. But by that time I knew that I
was losing this pregnancy too. I wanted to be optimistic, but I had
already learned this lesson the hard way. When the cramps started my
OB confirmed it. I opted for an immediat
e D&C. I knew there was no way to save my babies. I had
been through this too many times to be in denial. As soon as the bleeding
starts, it's all over for me; and the cramping is too much for me to handle
because I am not used to it. My own OB performed the surgery this
time, which was much more comfortable than the last time. He held my
hand until I was "asleep" and was there when I woke up. He talked to
my husband about what to expect, and offered his help in any way he could.
Mats was devastated. I knew he was hurting, but I couldn't bring myself
to grieve.
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It took several months, but
when the guilt hit me, it hit REALLY hard! I felt I had killed my babies,
by not wanting them. I wondered if one of them would have survived
if I hadn't had the D&C. I then realized that I did love them so
much that it scared me. I wanted more than anything for them to live.
I wanted another chance to prove I loved them. And then the grieving
began. It was difficult to grieve because everyone thought I had already
grieved and that I had handled it "really well". No one knew that I
had only just begun, and without their support the healing took longer than
usual.
You may think I am a terrible
person and that I deserved to lose my babies. You are right about one
thing - I was horrible for not enjoying them while they were with me.
For that I can't forgive myself, but no mother deserves to suffer through
losing a pregnancy. Unless you have been there, you just don't know
how devastating it is. I have learned and have 
come to accept that they didn't die because I didn't love them. I
hear stories about mother's putting their babies into duffle bags and throwing
them into dumpsters, or leaving them in the toilet of a public washroom
- that is the only way a mother's lack of love can kill a child. I
know that by the time they were born I would have been prepared and loved
them as much as I love my other babies, in heaven and on earth.
